(no subject)

I just found my rouen drake, Albert, dead... He was out free-ranging and I didn't shut them in, and it seems a predator must have gotten him. As far as I can tell, there were no signs of a struggle so I don't know what happened, but I feel bad. I could have shut him in earlier and maybe prevented this. I'm really going to miss him. I'd had him for almost five years and raised him and Eugenie from two-day-old ducklings, so it will be strange without him. He was such a beautiful boy, and funny, too. It will be so weird without him...

Poultry deaths and I have a weird relationship because they're so frequent. Of course, having dozens of birds like I do, deaths just happen no matter how hard I try to prevent them, maybe a few a month. Sometimes more than that when I have chicks simply because they're so fragile that some mortality is almost guaranteed. I feel sad when deaths occur and miss the individual who has passed away, but I refuse to let it ruin my happiness much or mourn for long, because they are so frequent. Then I feel guilty that I don't mourn for longer, as though it means I didn't care about the one who passed away (when that is not true at all). Ultimately, though, mourning is not for the individual who passed away, it's for the individual who is left. And spending my time and energy mourning every time does nothing for the one who passed, and it expends my energy on negative things. I feel like I'm always mourning just a little, even if it's not for animals I've known, but for those in factory farms and dying, unseen, otherwise. There is so much sadness and injustice in the world, perhaps mourning for my poultry friends, who live great and beautiful lives for the most part, should be brief and quiet.

I feel like brief and quiet is the most appropriate way to deal with most of these deaths, for my own sake and sanity. I think of them fondly, though, and never forget them, and do my best to give the remaining animals the best life possible.

The guilt of the fact that these deaths are often caused by my seemingly minor oversights or dumb situations adds another layer of complexity, though. I can deal with the deaths but when they're my fault, that makes it hard on me. Even knowing that I work hard to try and give all of these birds the best lives I can, I just hate that feeling of guilt and "If only..." and feeling like I caused their deaths.

Regardless of the conflicted feelings that come with deaths for me, I know Albert had a wonderful life. From his first days I gave him care and love. Today, and often recently, he got to go out and free-range on the property with his friends. I just saw him this afternoon in the sun walking with Tux and Eugenie and having a grand time. I hope whatever killed him did it quickly. It must have, with no feathers around.

Rest in peace, Albert. You were loved and will never be forgotten. The yard won't look the same without you waddling around in it.

I also think the chukar might be gone for good. I'll miss him a lot, too. I really got attached to that little guy.

Sometimes keeping as many birds as I do can be hard on the heart. I really do love them all. Ultimately, though...it's worth it. Even when it's heartbreaking, it's worth it.

(no subject)

I just found my rouen drake, Albert, dead... He was out free-ranging and I didn't shut them in, and it seems a predator must have gotten him. As far as I can tell, there were no signs of a struggle so I don't know what happened, but I feel bad. I could have shut him in earlier and maybe prevented this. I'm really going to miss him. I'd had him for almost five years and raised him and Eugenie from two-day-old ducklings, so it will be strange without him. He was such a beautiful boy, and funny, too. It will be so weird without him...

Poultry deaths and I have a weird relationship because they're so frequent. Of course, having dozens of birds like I do, deaths just happen no matter how hard I try to prevent them, maybe a few a month. Sometimes more than that when I have chicks simply because they're so fragile that some mortality is almost guaranteed. I feel sad when deaths occur and miss the individual who has passed away, but I refuse to let it ruin my happiness much or mourn for long, because they are so frequent. Then I feel guilty that I don't mourn for longer, as though it means I didn't care about the one who passed away (when that is not true at all). Ultimately, though, mourning is not for the individual who passed away, it's for the individual who is left. And spending my time and energy mourning every time does nothing for the one who passed, and it expends my energy on negative things. I feel like I'm always mourning just a little, even if it's not for animals I've known, but for those in factory farms and dying, unseen, otherwise. There is so much sadness and injustice in the world, perhaps mourning for my poultry friends, who live great and beautiful lives for the most part, should be brief and quiet.

I feel like brief and quiet is the most appropriate way to deal with most of these deaths, for my own sake and sanity. I think of them fondly, though, and never forget them, and do my best to give the remaining animals the best life possible.

The guilt of the fact that these deaths are often caused by my seemingly minor oversights or dumb situations adds another layer of complexity, though. I can deal with the deaths but when they're my fault, that makes it hard on me. Even knowing that I work hard to try and give all of these birds the best lives I can, I just hate that feeling of guilt and "If only..." and feeling like I caused their deaths.

Regardless of the conflicted feelings that come with deaths for me, I know Albert had a wonderful life. From his first days I gave him care and love. Today, and often recently, he got to go out and free-range on the property with his friends. I just saw him this afternoon in the sun walking with Tux and Eugenie and having a grand time. I hope whatever killed him did it quickly. It must have, with no feathers around.

Rest in peace, Albert. You were loved and will never be forgotten. The yard won't look the same without you waddling around in it.

I also think the chukar might be gone for good. I'll miss him a lot, too. I really got attached to that little guy.

Sometimes keeping as many birds as I do can be hard on the heart. I really do love them all. Ultimately, though...it's worth it. Even when it's heartbreaking, it's worth it.

(no subject)

And now I have a chick most likely dying in my hands. Not my fault, just a very weak chick who keeps somehow getting cold and wet despite all the other chicks being warm and dry, but still very upsetting. I guess there's a small chance he or she will pull through, but I doubt it.

I just found this article, too:

http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2011/05/09/sutter-county-animal-shelter-investigated-over-deaths/

That's the shelter that Tippy and Honey came out of. I can verify that it's an awful shelter. 1/3 of the dogs and 2/3 of the cats dying of illness, though? D: Man, that is awful.

Now I'm depressed. ;_____; Too many sad things going on at once in the last few hours.

Time to go to escapism (Pokémon is my sadness coping method), I guess, and go to bed shortly after that. Hopefully things will be better when I wake up.

(no subject)

And now I have a chick most likely dying in my hands. Not my fault, just a very weak chick who keeps somehow getting cold and wet despite all the other chicks being warm and dry, but still very upsetting. I guess there's a small chance he or she will pull through, but I doubt it.

I just found this article, too:

http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2011/05/09/sutter-county-animal-shelter-investigated-over-deaths/

That's the shelter that Tippy and Honey came out of. I can verify that it's an awful shelter. 1/3 of the dogs and 2/3 of the cats dying of illness, though? D: Man, that is awful.

Now I'm depressed. ;_____; Too many sad things going on at once in the last few hours.

Time to go to escapism (Pokémon is my sadness coping method), I guess, and go to bed shortly after that. Hopefully things will be better when I wake up.

(no subject)

The chick from last night actually miraculously made it. He or she has had a lot of close calls so it's surprising they're still with me, but of course I'll do my best to keep him or her going. Seriously, though, the chick was gasping and freezing cold and generally in a state extremely close to death, and I'm surprised it pulled through!

It's weird not having Albert around. It's kind of surreal that he's gone, to be honest. :( But I'm keeping it out of my mind most of the time. There's no reason to suffer over him when he is no longer suffering.

pdutogepi was talking about being an empath, and that got me reading and thinking. The description fits me almost perfectly. I'm not so bothered by most noises (certain ones set me off) or crowds generally, but everything else? Spot-on. And I think it explains a lot about me as well. I pick up on negativity extremely easily and seem to draw it into myself. When another creature is suffering, animal or human, emotionally I suffer along with them even when I don't realize it and when it accomplishes nothing. I can set my feelings aside sometimes when I need to, but in day-to-day life I seem to get waves of positivity and negativity based off of my surroundings and even what I'm thinking about. Even weird things, like ugly colors and ugly buildings and bad smells and certain sounds (cotton squeaking and chalk and babies crying) can set me into positive or negative modes and even affect my quality of life and thought processes. Can you believe my hands sweat and my stomach knots up when I even think about the above sounds?

Being involved in animal rights and having these empathetic traits can be a struggle at times. I would never leave animal rights alone because it's what I believe is right, but certainly I am deeply affected by knowing about the suffering that goes on. I've gotten to a point where I have accepted that I shouldn't watch real violence towards animals or humans (dead things don't bother me and neither does fictional violence generally, but real suffering does). Even if I try to be indifferent, it stays with me and causes me to suffer as well, and to feel guilty. I feel guilty that I eat dairy products (but I am not ready to stop yet...someday I will), I feel twinges of guilt when I see meat or leather or animal products around me, sometimes I feel guilty for even being human... It's no wonder sometimes I go into negativity spirals and feel overwhelmed. It's almost as though simply knowing about suffering leads me into being there, feeling what they're feeling on some level. I absorb feelings like a sponge.

And I am often distant from my body, hardly feel connected with it at all, and I certainly feel (almost want to say "know" because of the strength of this and also because of some of my personal beliefs) that I am "not from here." That this is "not my world."

So now I just need to work on trying to find balance and happiness. I sometimes do this quite well, and other times I just get overwhelmed by negativity and despair. Lately, aside from Albert dying, things have been pretty good, but sometimes I have rough patches, and sometimes I have rough patches for reasons I don't even understand.

It may sound odd, but Pokémon is seriously one of the things that massively help me to destress and feel good. I don't even have to play the games or watch the anime or anything or even look at fanart (though those help), even just thinking in-depth about it really relaxes me. There are lots of other things that relax me, too, of course, but it's an immense help to me.

Anyway, I should post my first 4koma scans pretty soon, I think. The last two 4koma books I looked at but haven't scanned at are so great I seriously want to scan almost every single page of them. :'D That might take a while, but I have bits and pieces (what I want to post) of three or four books done at least.

I reeeeally need to get going on sales stuff! I'm actually excited to post sales stuff because I've got some interesting items, I just need to get myself to sit down and sort and photograph and post (then get ready to package immediately so it doesn't get put off by being busy). I also have commissions to color. At least I have Thursday off! I think I'll make my goal to have my sales actively posted and going before the end of Thursday.

(no subject)

The chick from last night actually miraculously made it. He or she has had a lot of close calls so it's surprising they're still with me, but of course I'll do my best to keep him or her going. Seriously, though, the chick was gasping and freezing cold and generally in a state extremely close to death, and I'm surprised it pulled through!

It's weird not having Albert around. It's kind of surreal that he's gone, to be honest. :( But I'm keeping it out of my mind most of the time. There's no reason to suffer over him when he is no longer suffering.

pdutogepi was talking about being an empath, and that got me reading and thinking. The description fits me almost perfectly. I'm not so bothered by most noises (certain ones set me off) or crowds generally, but everything else? Spot-on. And I think it explains a lot about me as well. I pick up on negativity extremely easily and seem to draw it into myself. When another creature is suffering, animal or human, emotionally I suffer along with them even when I don't realize it and when it accomplishes nothing. I can set my feelings aside sometimes when I need to, but in day-to-day life I seem to get waves of positivity and negativity based off of my surroundings and even what I'm thinking about. Even weird things, like ugly colors and ugly buildings and bad smells and certain sounds (cotton squeaking and chalk and babies crying) can set me into positive or negative modes and even affect my quality of life and thought processes. Can you believe my hands sweat and my stomach knots up when I even think about the above sounds?

Being involved in animal rights and having these empathetic traits can be a struggle at times. I would never leave animal rights alone because it's what I believe is right, but certainly I am deeply affected by knowing about the suffering that goes on. I've gotten to a point where I have accepted that I shouldn't watch real violence towards animals or humans (dead things don't bother me and neither does fictional violence generally, but real suffering does). Even if I try to be indifferent, it stays with me and causes me to suffer as well, and to feel guilty. I feel guilty that I eat dairy products (but I am not ready to stop yet...someday I will), I feel twinges of guilt when I see meat or leather or animal products around me, sometimes I feel guilty for even being human... It's no wonder sometimes I go into negativity spirals and feel overwhelmed. It's almost as though simply knowing about suffering leads me into being there, feeling what they're feeling on some level. I absorb feelings like a sponge.

And I am often distant from my body, hardly feel connected with it at all, and I certainly feel (almost want to say "know" because of the strength of this and also because of some of my personal beliefs) that I am "not from here." That this is "not my world."

So now I just need to work on trying to find balance and happiness. I sometimes do this quite well, and other times I just get overwhelmed by negativity and despair. Lately, aside from Albert dying, things have been pretty good, but sometimes I have rough patches, and sometimes I have rough patches for reasons I don't even understand.

It may sound odd, but Pokémon is seriously one of the things that massively help me to destress and feel good. I don't even have to play the games or watch the anime or anything or even look at fanart (though those help), even just thinking in-depth about it really relaxes me. There are lots of other things that relax me, too, of course, but it's an immense help to me.

Anyway, I should post my first 4koma scans pretty soon, I think. The last two 4koma books I looked at but haven't scanned at are so great I seriously want to scan almost every single page of them. :'D That might take a while, but I have bits and pieces (what I want to post) of three or four books done at least.

I reeeeally need to get going on sales stuff! I'm actually excited to post sales stuff because I've got some interesting items, I just need to get myself to sit down and sort and photograph and post (then get ready to package immediately so it doesn't get put off by being busy). I also have commissions to color. At least I have Thursday off! I think I'll make my goal to have my sales actively posted and going before the end of Thursday.

(no subject)

Augh ran out of egg cartons again, with like 4-5+ dozen eggs that still need cartons! Not even including all the eggs in all the coops, which is probably another 3-4-5 dozen or something. =____= There are practically eggs coming out of my ears, they're everywhere! I wish you were all close enough to drop by and get some, haha. I think I'm going to put up a sign outside the house advertising free eggs in exchange for empty egg cartons (and feed donations if people are so inclined).

For everyone's information, my chickens and other fowl go through 100 lbs of feed per week. Sometimes less than a week. XD They get all of our kitchen scraps and any food that gets old as well and grass that I pick for them. Plus they get to free-range sometimes.

Spoiled rotten birds!

(no subject)

Augh ran out of egg cartons again, with like 4-5+ dozen eggs that still need cartons! Not even including all the eggs in all the coops, which is probably another 3-4-5 dozen or something. =____= There are practically eggs coming out of my ears, they're everywhere! I wish you were all close enough to drop by and get some, haha. I think I'm going to put up a sign outside the house advertising free eggs in exchange for empty egg cartons (and feed donations if people are so inclined).

For everyone's information, my chickens and other fowl go through 100 lbs of feed per week. Sometimes less than a week. XD They get all of our kitchen scraps and any food that gets old as well and grass that I pick for them. Plus they get to free-range sometimes.

Spoiled rotten birds!