Flatline

[pacificpikachu]

Well, my birthday's pretty much over, and I have no idea what to think of it. It didn't really feel like a birthday--it was just too...routine, in a sense, and like not much was actually going on. I was happy I got to spend some time with my friends, though, and...I don't know. I feel weird right now.

My emotions flared up yet again, so I've spent a lot of the day feeling like I'm in a suspended reality. I talked to a few of my friends about things, but I can't say I feel like I solved a lot. It might have, but I felt so bad asking them to do what I asked them to do, but...I couldn't bear it any more, holding it in.

I just...I disgust myself at how emotional I've become, and there are so many things that just don't seem to have a solution. It's lucky I'm so accustomed to being optimistic, because I do believe eventually everything will come full circle. It's just hard to wait for that day to come when you want so badly for everything to just be...without boundaries again, I guess. I used to have no inner conflicts, I used to be free, and now that I've allowed myself to become human, emotionally, I have to deal with the fact that I am flawed, I am relying on things other than myself to be happy, I am going to feel things that I cannot control.

This is not to say I've had a bad birthday or anything--it was fine, really, and if things continue the way they're going I'm going to be completely set for conventions money-wise. Almost everyone's getting me presents late, which I don't mind at all. ^^;

I'm going to go read more angsty SasuNaru fanfics, then go to bed. I'm tired. -_-;

Comments

[ex-lightwave665.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I definitely need to get there.

Despite I know exactly what you're feeling, and the feeling I've semi-condemned semi-frustratingly acccepted, having humanity is one of the best things you've ever had. The only problem is that I was kind of the opposite of you -- I was a natural born cynic and pessimestic; so when somethng happy came along I doubted it if not ignored it because I didn't trust it. But you know...

It's a gift to really feel the highs and lows of life, dear, even if the lows are kind of icky. There's something fascinating about humanity, as I'm sure you remember all of your animes repeating the same kind of message. It's something delicate and it's soemthing that makes us THINK, makes us FEEL, than going on with our little lives with nothing too drastic we would really be living.. but I will explain this all more in detail later, when I can get to you.

Cheer up Charlie Brown, I'll try to fix as much/clear up in your mind as much as I can when I get there. ♥

WHEN IT STOPS SNOWING.

[hitchi.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know the situation, but I think I understand at least part of what you're feeling...and feeling pathetic for feeling that way. Like, "It's not actually a big deal, but it makes me so sad inside."

...or, I'm way off. Either way, I hope everything rounds out soon, my dear.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Thanks Roya--it's nice knowing you can understand what I'm going through. We definitely need to have a nice big talk when you get up here. ^^

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's basically how I feel, in a way... It's just a kind of complicated situation, though it has its definite ups and downs. Thanks for the love. XD;

[dream--seeker.livejournal.com]

Don't you think you're being a bit stupid with this? You don't own him, Kristin.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

I know I don't. Nor do I intend to--it's just...rather complicated. *Sigh* If you're referring to what I said to KK, I was hurried when I talked to her and I really need to further clarify what I meant whenever she and I can talk. Please don't judge when you don't know the whole story, Nicole. I'm having enough trouble as it is... ;_;

[dream--seeker.livejournal.com]

I think I know the whole story pretty well. You see, I've been part of it for the past couple of years. I have to say I'm getting pretty sick of the whole thing. We can make big deals out of shit but basically, you come to a point where you just have to let go. Do, for once, what would be better for someone else, instead of yourself. Is there someone that you want to protect? Someone that you want to be happy, even if it means you being sad? If so, take that into consideration. And maybe it will hurt, but that's life. You'll realize that though it's a big deal now, you will come to terms with what has happened. And you can just pray that you do the right thing, so when you look back on this, you don't feel regret that you hurt someone, or that you took away someone's future for your own. You have to understand that no, everything isn't about you. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to make you see that you might be hurting other people more than you think.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Nicole, could you please refrain from discussing things like this over LiveJournal of all places?

I *do* want to do what's best--and yes, unfortunately, I am blinded somewhat by strong feelings--but if you could please come out and be a little more in-depth about the situation, maybe I could make some better decisions about it. I'm definitely not saying to do it over LiveJournal comments (you can e-mail me if you so wish, though).

I'm not being as selfish as I think you believe I am--have you considered, for instance, that maybe one of us doesn't know the whole story? I'm willing to wager I don't know about whatever it is you're hinting at, because I admit--I'm rather confused. Like I've said before, though--I do know some things I probably shouldn't know, and...

I don't even know what to say. I feel like I'm just trying to do what's right, but no matter where I go, every time I think I know the whole story...I don't, and I somehow end up hurting people without realizing it, and to be honest I'm having a hard time even knowing what's going on any more. I want honesty, but what you're saying and what other people involved are saying are totally different, and that's hard to deal with.