Hawkeye

[pacificpikachu]

When I gave Hawkeye her medication earlier and tried to get her to drink some water, she was making a strange sound. She still seemed alert, though, so I was hopeful.

Just now, I found her dead. I'm really upset and have been crying for about the last half-hour since I found her and just cradling her body in my arms. I feel like it's my fault. Like maybe if I had gotten her to a vet earlier she could have pulled through, like if I had sexed that male guinea pig before putting him in the cage maybe none of this would have happened. Honestly, though, I have no way of knowing unless I have a necropsy done, and we can't afford to do that. I'm not sure I want to know anyway. It's possible she had cancer, though, as opposed to an infection. Or maybe I really did just treat it too late...

Anyway, I really loved her, and I'm devastated to have lost her. She was the most beautiful guinea pig. Her fur was like it was made out of gold, the way it sparkled, and she was so incredibly soft. She was the sweetest little guinea pig you could ever hope for. Some of her fur stuck up funny on the top of her back like a little shark fin. I was hoping so hard that she was going to pull through.

With all the animals I have and have had in my life, along with rehabbing, I deal with death a lot. It seems either I simply accept it gracefully--if the animal dies quietly of old age, like I think Sheska just did when she passed away a few weeks ago--and sometimes, when the animal was young and I feel like they "weren't supposed to die," I feel like it breaks a little something inside of me that I can't ever get back. Hawkeye fits in there. My heart breaks just a little bit for her, and I think of the fact that I will never see her again and it just...hurts. A lot. I miss her already.

That is not to say I don't think I can handle becoming a vet--there is a difference between patients and family, and I can easily switch into a clinical mode where I can accept nearly all death gracefully, but it's just...one of those things about living with such an empathy for and bond with other species. My heart breaks just a little tiny bit for every tragedy I see, every animal loved and suddenly gone, every time I think of the cruelty and injustice towards other species. It pushes me forward, towards a better world for other species, and makes me want to try harder to prevent suffering, but it also makes things difficult and complex for me at times. Sometimes I feel so alone, even though I know I'm not, and sometimes I feel as though nothing I do can ever stop any of the suffering, even though I certainly know that's not true.

Rest in peace, Hawkeye. I won't ever forget you, and I will miss you. The thought of never seeing you again is so horrible to me. You were so sweet, so beautiful, and I still remember holding you the day you were born and being amazed at how you sparkled in the light already, even though you were so tiny. I am sorry I couldn't save you. I hope you know I tried, and that I loved you and hated to see you feeling so sick and tired.

I don't forget any of my pets, no matter how small, no matter how many hundreds I have, no matter how short a time they spend with me, because they are all my family.

Comments

[ibaly.livejournal.com]

:( ♥

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* ;;

[astralvulpes.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I'm not in a good mindset to say anything really comforting, but I'm so sorry about Hawkeye.

I don't think any of your feelings will prevent you from becoming a vet - it makes you more human, and more empathic, I'd think, so you can really help your clients and patients more.

*hugs you tight* <3 We only do the best that we can, and even though there are what-ifs abound, it's just something we'll never know. It's hard not to dwell on it, though. I've wondered the same about several of my pets.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

It's all right--what you said was just right. Thank you for the comforting words. ♥

[ionneos.livejournal.com]

I wanted to start crying myself reading through this entry...

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I know that Hawkeye knows what you did for her and how much you loved her, and I know that you know that, too. It'll be okay.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your sympathy. *Hugs* You're right, it'll be okay--it's just always hard losing my critters, especially like this.

[trf-chan.livejournal.com]

Oh my god...I am so sorry, Kristin. She sounds like she was a fantastic guinea pig, and I can tell from reading this that you really cared about her. :/ I know that there's not really anything in particular I can say to make it any easier, but know my thoughts are with you. ♥ *hugs*

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the sweet thoughts, Chelsea. ♥ It helps.

[kasaii.livejournal.com]

Aww honey, I'm really sorry for your loss. ;_; ♥

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *Hugs* ♥

[vitani]

I deal with death a lot. It seems either I simply accept it gracefully--if the animal dies quietly of old age, like I think Sheska just did when she passed away a few weeks ago--and sometimes, when the animal was young and I feel like they "weren't supposed to die," I feel like it breaks a little something inside of me that I can't ever get back.

I completely understand this. I was shocked when I was devastated by my hamster dying in January, because I'm used to animals dying! This doesn't normally affect me so much! And I realized it must have been because he was only seven months old, and had been so, so healthy, that in my mind he 'wasn't supposed to die'. And I had a really hard time dealing with that. It was the same with my horse.

I'm so sorry about your guinea pig.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you understand. I went through a similar thing earlier this summer with two of my young, healthy, gorgeous chickens dying from heat stroke, and it was (and still is) so painful to think of the fact that they are gone. Even now, when I go into the coop sometimes I look for them as if they will just be back pecking around like they used to. Losing young, healthy animals is the hardest because we aren't prepared for it, and it seems wrong for them to be gone so suddenly. I also think it leaves more room for regret, and what ifs, and other painful things like that.

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. It makes it a little easier to deal with, knowing other people have been through similar things and understand. ;; ♥

[ylmik-wisty.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for Hawkeye, and that you had to go through this pain. Reading this made me remember when one of my rabbits died three years ago. It was the first time I cried from finding a loved one dead. It's such a situation you don't want to happen again, so I'm sorry that it's struck your life. Dear Hawkeye, rest in peace.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your sympathy. ;; ♥

[digivolution.livejournal.com]

My condolences ;o; <3

[koyaaniisqatsi.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight* I'm sorry. ♥

[crimson-angel02.livejournal.com]

<3 I am so sorry *Hugs*

I got to say the fact that you cared and tired to get her help shows how much to care and love your animals no matter what size. I had a rat while in high school and my mom thought it was odd/waste of money that I was taking her on regular vet check ups since she wasn't a big animal like a dog or a cat. -_-;

[bjango.livejournal.com]

That's so terrible, I'm so sorry. RIP, Hawkeye.