(no subject)

[pacificpikachu]

Basically, I want to drop Chemistry. Again. I really, really do. I just...can't do this. Not now. It's not the material, really, it's the fact that I absolutely cannot seem to muster the energy to put work into it. Again I wonder if I'm depressed, but I can't seem to decide if I am because it seems to be rather selective. It mostly just crops up if I'm getting too much or too little sleep, or if I'm stressed over Chemistry. If I'm just hanging around doing nothing? Things are pretty okay. Sure, I don't have much energy, but I've never had that much energy. And I think the lack of energy is more due to my screwed up sleeping habits than anything else.

I'm four labs behind and I'm not sure what to do on any of them. When I try to figure out what I'm supposed to do, it's like I get overwhelmed by trying to organize and understand what I'm calculating and why, and it doesn't help that the labs aren't exactly clear in what they're trying to convey. There's another test coming up next Wednesday, so that means I have to get at least ten or twelve hours worth of homework done over the weekend, not including labs. I teeter between feeling like I can just stick it out and things will somehow be okay, and realizing the reality that the class is half over and I'm failing it, and yet I STILL can't manage to work. I'm mostly okay with the lecture material (until there's a test on it, hahaha), but then I lag in the labs.

I feel like, what I really, really need to do is just take a break from school for a semester or two for my mental health, and just take some time off to get my life together. The problem is our insurance. My parents can't afford $400 a month to pay for my health insurance (which I need, because I do have medical problems) if I'm not in school, and so they insist if I'm taking a break from school I have to get a full time job and pay the $400 a month for my insurance. Not to sound childish, but I've never had a real job at all--I don't think I'd be able to handle a full-time job at this point in my life either, and especially not if the money from working would just go toward insurance.

Every time I even bring up dropping Chemistry, my parents FREAK OUT and yell at me and make me feel even worse about the whole thing, but I just...can't handle it right now. My mom keeps saying she doesn't think I'm cut out to be a vet because I've had to drop Chemistry so many times now (never mind that the other two times I had AWFUL teachers and severe medical problems), which I don't think is true at all--I think I just need a break to get my focus and energy back because I'm burnt out. Deal with my depression if that is the root of the problem. I feel like I still want to and perhaps even need to be a vet, but I just need to take a breather to get myself back in the right mindset and get any mitigating factors out of my life so I can really just focus on academic goals.

I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated, and I can't make up my mind on anything. Every time I try to work on Chemistry I either goof off until it's really late at night, I get distracted a few minutes into it, or I fall asleep. I've always been an A student, and that just makes everything even worse because everyone expects me to have a great work ethic like I've always had.

Maybe I am just depressed. But all I feel like is I just need a break, and I don't know if there's any way that can happen. ;;

Thank you so much to everyone who has offered encouragement or perspective in the past--I really appreciate it more than I can say. ♥

I wish I could just watch anime and work on cosplay and take Pokémon collection pictures and get adequate amounts of sleep every night and draw and write and sculpt and post about fun/interesting things and SPEND TIME WITH REAL PEOPLE and play with my pets and go out for walks in pretty places and go birdwatching, but I feel guilty doing all of the above because I should be doing Chemistry at pretty much all times. So then I just sit around on my computer procrastinating and doing nothing in particular and accomplishing nothing.

For the record, I am not normally this much of an angstbucket at all. :( Sorry everyone!

Comments

[wao.livejournal.com]

I think everyone has burnouts at some point in their life... I've experienced exactly what you've described there except it happened to everything. I can understand how frustrating it would be having done well up till a particular point after which it just doesn't come any more. I'd always gotten by on my natural love for learning but when that sort of didn't come back... After a very long time I'm starting to look at it as one of life's lessons that I wasn't listening to and am trying to take myself less seriously.

Isn't it possible to take a loan for the insurance or something? I seriously think a break would be very, very helpful. Sometimes of course the problem is a short break can turn into a very long one (...heh ._.) and things could just get worse. But that's no excuse to say you shouldn't have one at all - at some point it'll have to be dealt with, and there could be far worse situations for things to just break. Like just before your finals.
I can't say I know your situation all that well but regardless of what others say sometimes "just sucking it up" is not the solution. If people tell you you're "too weak-willed" and "can't cut it" - don't listen. That's just a self-perpetuating thing. I've fallen into that trap enough myself. What's the point of just fixing up the symptoms every time?

There's intelligence, and then there's wisdom. I think you have a lot of both, and while it's tempting to glorify one over the other, in the long run seemingly "unintelligent" wisdom will prove to be the smartest way you've ever managed yourself.

...which I'm sure you've all figured out anyway, because your problem here appears to be that you need to be able to pay insurance. (Blah blah American health system blah...) Seriously is there no way to get a loan? Or some kind of full time, but peaceful job in a more remote place? Perhaps live in at a different place for a while or something... It helps a lot when you don't have your parents breathing down your neck. I think.
And I've never had a real job either, though I'm still looking for one, so you're not alone :0

[staraptor.livejournal.com]

Your parents are just like mine, they either don't know the pressure of failing an important class or they don't remember form their younger days. I know exactly how terrible it is, like a neverending circle with no way out. But still you should try passing, maybe you'll get lucky? (or cheat your way out of it if possible and if you don't have moral problems with that?) And if that fails take a semester off. I can only guess, but I think your parents will be even more irritated by seeing you doing "nothing" all those months if you don't get a job and they'll rub it in your face. Can't you take a part-time job instead of full time?

[astralvulpes.livejournal.com]

Burnouts are natural, especially when it comes to pushing yourself through continuous strenuous semesters in college. =/

I don't think taking a break is a bad idea at all, though hopefully you can get something worked out with your health insurance - (I know this problem well.)

I know you probably know this, but I feel I want to say it to you, too.

Just because you're having a problem with a core class does not mean you cannot be a vet or do not want to be one.

I had my own class (precalculus), that put be so behind because I just couldn't pass it. I dropped it three times, and on the fourth time, I finally passed, and then turned around to make an A in calculus I, to boot.

I think it's natural - we all have our strengths and weaknesses, not to mention distractions, bad professors and all around real life problems.

If you do drop it again, of course admissions will see it on your transcripts, but when you write your letter of intent or go for your interview, you will be able to justify these things, surely - especially if they see you made a good mark in the class, and went on to make other good marks in the following classes.

My parents gave me a hell of a time with precalculus, and my mother even questioned my intent, saying that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a vet if I couldn't pass the math class, so I understand those hurtful things that people that care about you say. ._. It's just so frustrating.

Either way, if you take a break or not, I know you won't give up - your heart is in the field too much. <3 Sometimes life just gives us setbacks though, or unfavourable cards to deal with. You're going through a rough time right now, what with Tia's passing and all, so I'd certainly say it's justified. Admissions will understand - life is life, and in that it is unpredictable.

It's hard, but try not to be so hard on yourself about things - (I should follow my own advice on this one.) I know it's easier said than done, but I'm trying to follow this, too.

[mei-san.livejournal.com]

>I wish I could just watch anime and work on cosplay and take Pokémon collection pictures and get adequate amounts of sleep every night and draw and write and sculpt and post about fun/interesting things and SPEND TIME WITH REAL PEOPLE....but I feel guilty doing all of the above

Don't we all, but then I can't get paid for that (I wish I could!). :( And feeling guilty is pretty much the reason I've stopped drawing all together or watching anime/manga on a minimal basis. Kinda sad, but work comes first.

I've experience almost exactly what you've experienced last semester. Always been a good student, until year 2007 and my grade started to drop drastically. I was simply not motivated enough to pursue my major anymore (after I decided that I no longer want to become a doctor, and my major is pretty much a pre-med major in my school), but by then it's too late to switch. I tried double majoring and explored other options, but then my grades got even worse because I simply cannot handle it all (and the alternative major I chose was way too hard, statistics >__> I thought I enjoyed math? Unfortunately I have forgotten most of what I learned in high school/first year of college...too late for me). Until last year I thought I really needed a break, told my parents about it, and they freaked out at first, A LOT. Insurance was one of my problem too. But my parents were nice enough to pay for it provided if I work (same reason as you). Then I got errr alcohol poisoning during the summer, and all the hospital bills would have to be paid. I figured it'd be easier for my parents if I just stayed in school and stick through it. I took a reduced course-load, but I still struggled in one of my classes. Mostly because of motivational problems and procrastination >_> I'm still working on getting my life back on track, as of now.

Yeah, long story. But for you, I think taking a break is a very good option right now. I hope it's still not too late to drop the course. You can always stick through it, but because you're unmotivated, you may not do as well as you otherwise would (this is just my guess of course, because that's what happened to me). I chose to stick through it but I did not do well in my classes and my gpa took the hit. I'm working on both getting my gpa up and getting my motivation up, which isn't easy when I do both at the same time but I'm trying very hard.

As for insurance....is there a way to get a less expensive insurance premium? Like more affordable ones? Not everyone has insurance in the US, and if it's only for a short time it's probably fine. But then again you probably need it. Also, if you work full time (which isn't that hard, even with the job market as it is now. I believe there are always some openings for "poor and desperate" students. Also, it'd be best if you work in a pet/animal related job, like shelters, and it'd be good for your vet school app), assuming you work 40 hours per week, and get paid minimum of $8/hr, you still get $320 for the whole week pre-tax/social security. That's like $300 for a week, comes out to about $1200 a month. Not bad. And you only paid $400 for insurance, so that's about one third of your month's paycheck. And I assume you live with your parents, so the living expenses are paid for (?). Also, what about money you get from selling pokemon collectibles??

Ok above are just suggestions. You're a intelligent and wise person and I believe you will eventually make the best choices for yourself, even if you may feel confused and unsure now. And if you choose to stick through with Chem at the end. Good luck! And if you're easily distracted, get tutored or join study groups. It's never too (?) late to work hard to pass (assuming the final weights the most).

[loika.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how it feels; I've been there and it's not nice. Experience tells me that the best thing you could probably do for yourself right now is to take that break and just spend some days doing what you enjoy and not worrying that you should be doing something else.

Everyone has said pretty much everything I have to say, so I won't throw another wall of text at you -- but you're one of the first people who come to mind when I think "vet" or "animals", and I don't think dropping Chemistry would/should change that.

Stay strong, you can make it through this!

[scaramantula.livejournal.com]

This is quite a difficult situation... Taking a break would be a good option if you were certain you could obtain a job to pay for the insurance-- and the economy being the way it is, that may not be a feasible option. Of course, a break is probably exactly what you need, which just makes this all the more frustrating.

Is is possible to get tutoring for the Chemistry classes? I know most schools will offer help in most departments, so hopefully yours will have some help with Chem. It seems like it's a subject that's going to be difficult for you no matter what, and having someone work with you on it will help keep you focused on the task, make more sense of it, and help you keep on top of the assignments.

[pdutogepi.livejournal.com]

I agree that somehow, you really do need to catch that break and be able to relax without the guilt of Chemistry hanging over your head, it's a shame there are other factors like the health insurance holding you back from doing so.
Is there anybody else you can talk to about this? Like your teacher, or a guidance counsellor or something along those lines?

I really wish there was more I could say, but I wish you luck in figuring this out. And I think no matter what road you take, you'll eventually reach your goal and become a vet, as you're very set on that and with that I know you'll reach it ^^

[ionneos.livejournal.com]

...I feel horrible again. ;-;

I have no idea what to do or say. It's true that you're in a bit of a sticky wicket, but as many others before me have noted, you're a very smart person. I don't need to know you for long to come to that conclusion. You'll do the right thing for yourself, even if you don't think so at the time.

As a great man (or wolf, if you'd like to get technical) once said, "Don't hesitate! When the time comes, just act!" I think...maybe you should do that. Don't hesitate. Do what feels right for you. Surely you must be leaning towards something...?

My personal stance on this is the same as the majority here. Times will be tough, but it sounds to me that you really need to get out of there for a little bit. What will graduation from college do you if you go mentally insane?

But...I should shut up. Sorry for not commenting on your last entry. You'll be fine. ^^

Tell me about it...

[zealadin.livejournal.com]

I have been having the same feelings about classes in general, but definitely chemistry. If you ever want someone to rant to, I will listen 100%.

[trf-chan.livejournal.com]

Gah, everyone posted such nice, thoughtful replies! I feel like there's nothing left for me to say.

I will say, though, that you're a very wise, intelligent person, and that I think you'll make the right decision when it comes down to it. ♥ If it makes your parents unhappy, well...sometimes we just have to do what we have to do for our own sake before we can worry about pleasing others.