(no subject)

[pacificpikachu]

I am so in denial about Tia today. I...just can't even comprehend it at all at the moment. :( That's the first stage of grief anyway, though, so I suppose it's all right... I'll face the reality of it soon enough. I'm still going to make a post on her sometime soon, but I'd rather do it when I have time and I'm ready to face it a bit more. It's kind of strange, because I feel like I should be extremely distraught but I haven't been since last night because I can't even understand it right now... It's probably partly because I'm at dad's right now and there's nothing to trigger memories of her here. When I do understand inklings of it, it's so hard, though... It's going to be really, really tough on me when I do finally comprehend it. I loved that dog so much.

Today was a better day, even though I had to go to Chemistry. I got home and had two packages to open--one was from junoluver, and one MASSIVE SMJ box.

junoluver, Haraken is SO PERFECT AND ADORABLE IN REAL LIFE, OMG. ♥ AHHH AND I SQUEALED FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES WHEN I SAW MIDGET! He's my other favorite digital pet besides Densuke, and he's a similar type of fabric as the official Densuke plush, and he even seems to be to around the right scale compared to Densuke! *A* I LOVE BOTH OF THEM SO, SO, SO INCREDIBLY MUCH! They're currently sitting on Densuke, and they're just...so perfect. And the Haraken drawing and card, awww! I loved everything so much--I can't thank you enough! I'll take pictures of them to share with the f-list when I'm taking my sales post pictures tonight or tomorrow. This made me so happy, I can't even tell you. ♥

SMJ box was...epic. Epic massive package of doom. It took me a full three hours or something to go through and sort everything, and it's amazing how much stuff there was in that box! :O Need to do a major, huge sales post tonight or tomorrow, and work on packaging and collection rearranging. CRAZY AMOUNTS OF STUFF.

Other than that...just a bit under the weather. I can feel the sadness sort of underneath things, even when I'm distracted.

Comments

[astralvulpes.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about Tia.

I know that nothing I can say can really lessen any pain, but I just wanted to say that you were in my thoughts.

With my oldest cat that I put to rest a few months ago, I spent much of my time being in denial about it. I remembered looking for her one morning and king of being like, 'Oh,' when I realized she wasn't there anymore.

I'm not sure if I ever fully accepted her death - I suppose I have since I can grasp that she's not around anymore.

Nonetheless, time tends to help things along, and I know you know that.

If you ever feel like you need to talk, never hesitate to send me a PM or even IM me if I'm on. <3

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your understanding, Dani. I know I can always count on you to understand. ♥

Yes--I am really, really in denial right now. I try to think about the fact that she is truly and honesty gone and dead, and it's just beyond my understanding. It's like there's this part of my brain saying that there's something sad going on about Tia, but other than that, and other than occasional moments where suddenly some small aspect about it hits me, I just can't conceptualize it right now. It will probably be more "real", so to speak, when I go back to my mom's for a few days and realize that she's not there.

Yeah, I'm sure I'll go through the grieving process at whatever pace I'm supposed to, and there will be times it'll wear on me a lot, but I'll pull through. It's just extremely disconcerting at the moment is all, because I'm going about things as normal with this sense of something being wrong, but when I try to remind myself what it is it's just not clicking. I wish it was more real because then I could grieve and work myself through it a little bit at a time, but...that'll happen with time.

Thank you so much for the offer--I will definitely contact you if I need anyone to talk to. ♥ I know you've been through it, and you get what it's like. I hope you don't mind my rambling, because I know it's a bit repetitive--I just feel lost and almost guilty that I'm not upset because I'm so far in denial at the moment. :(

[astralvulpes.livejournal.com]

You're very, very welcome. <3 *gives you the biggest hug EVER*

Feel free to ramble, repeat yourself, just say whatever you're thinking about it - I found that that was one of my only ways of dealing with a pet loss, even if I was just talking myself in circles.

I felt that way about my cat, too. I was upset when I saw the inject her, and she looked at me with the most loving and peaceful gaze - she purred then, for the first time in a few weeks, and then she was gone.

Even after I handed her body to the guy at the pet cemetery and received her ashes back a few days later, I felt guilty since I wasn't crying every day about her loss - I guess that was my way of dealing with it - denial. Even though I saw her go, it was really, really difficult for my mind to grasp that she was gone and not coming back, ultimately. =/

It's so hard to lose pets, and even worse to lose the ones we've had for so long. I just felt like Ling-Ling would always be there, somehow, since I'd had her almost as long as I could remember.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

*Hugs back*

Yes, that's what I think as well, and that's why I always encourage my friends who lose pets to talk about it. Ultimately talking about it, especially repeating yourself, is one of the few things that makes it more real with time, and allows you to deal with it. I've also found that people will give me the same advice I've given them in the past after I've lost a pet, but even though I knew that in my brain, having them say it means a lot more, if that makes sense.

I watched them inject on my dog Lily, and that's the only reason I didn't stay until the very, very end with Tia this time. There were a few things that stuck with me and haunted me about putting Lily down, and those were torture... I figured I didn't want to risk that again. It's hard enough losing a pet, and it's even harder when you have persistent mental images that are traumatic on top of that. I'm glad that this time my last image of Tia was very, very peaceful. I sat next to her and petted her for a long time and told her again and again that she was a good girl, and the vet gave her a sleeping medication and she fell asleep while my mom and I were petting her and telling her she was a good girl. I left once they came back with the final injection, so the last I saw of her she was peacefully sleeping--not at all distressed or in pain, and while I think it'll be a bit harder for me to accept her death because of the lack of seeing a body, I also feel more at peace this time.

With Lily I had told my mom we wouldn't put her down if she wagged her tail at us (there was a surgery option with her, but the probable outcomes weren't very good at all, she was in a lot of pain, the vets were on the side of euthanizing her, and it was extremely expensive), and at the very last minute as she was fading away she wagged her tail and touched my hand with her paw. I should have taken that as a sweet goodbye, but to me instead it seemed like a desperate "No, it's not my time," or a gesture of being uncomfortable (especially her paw reaching out toward me), even though I know that doesn't make sense. I wish they had put her into a full sleep before like they did with Tia... It really bothered me for the longest time, and it still does to be honest.

Yes, I think that's how I feel as well--I feel guilty that I haven't been crying (though I am a little now) and have been fairly happy today. I know it's just because of the denial and doesn't change my love and caring and grief over Tia, but it's still an uneasy, unpleasant feeling...

Yes, I imagine it must have been so hard with Ling-Ling. I dread the day when I lose my cat Princess, who I've had since I was six. Lily and I grew up together, too, though, so I know what that's like... It was like losing a sibling, really, more than a pet. Tia we only had for five and a half years because she was already five or five and a half when we rescued her, but she still meant so much and was such a constant presence to me. I think I took her for presence for granted a bit, because didn't think we would lose her so quickly... But she had a wonderful life, was very VERY loved an spoiled, and her death was peaceful, so I have no regrets in that regard at all.

I do feel awful that I didn't come over earlier the day before we put her down--my mom was at work and told me that Tia was limping and asked that I go over to check on her, but I was so stressed over studying for that Chem exam that I decided against it and let the petsitter come instead... I feel really, really regretful about that, especially because it means Tia, unable to walk, was home alone for a number of hours, and that I missed out on a lot of valuable time in her final twenty-four hours. But I need to just forgive myself for that. Really, I just need to let it go. I had no way of knowing how bad it was, and I thought it was the best decision at the time. It can't be changed now, and Tia spent her final ten or so hours constantly surrounded by us petting her, hugging her, talking to her, and making sure she was as comfortable as she could be, so it's all right. She was loved, and she knew it, and that's what matters.

[astralvulpes.livejournal.com]

I don't blame you at all for being upset by what happened with Lily.

There were a few rarer instances when I was working and we had a euthanasia come in and something wouldn't go quite right, but I know it must have been horribly upsetting to the owners - we did all we could to comfort them, but when their beloved cries out or doesn't react well, there's no way it can't be upsetting.

When times are trying and we're upset, uncertain if our decisions for our loved ones are right or not, it's easy to feel tipped off or uncertain about what we've decided since it is so final. Emotions sometimes aren't logical, but it certainly doesn't make them wrong, or any less important - they're a good part of what makes us so different and so very human.

When I lost my first pet I was really close to (the cat in my icon), I felt the desire to see him again so badly - I wanted to believe in some kind of god, heaven or afterlife, which is very unlike myself at all - I just wanted to do anything to increase my chances of meeting him again when he wouldn't be feeling any pain.

I'm sure you've heard about Rainbow Bridge. It's funny, but I don't really so much believe in heaven for people, but I want so badly to believe in the Rainbow Bridge. It's a bit silly, since if I suppose if I don't believe in heaven, how can I possibly believe in the bridge, but I just do, or want to, somehow. ^_^; It's helped me cope with the loss, too, even if it doesn't really exist.

I think we're always more critical of ourselves, especially in retrospect. With my cat, I found myself wondering if I could have done more for her - if I'd waited to long on some things, if I should have had her radiographs done earlier, if I could have spent more time with her before letting her go - the list goes on, and now I'm to the point where I believe I did the best that I could, as her companion.

I still feel a bit strangely that I never broke down and cried my eyes out, though. I cried at times, but usually when I was alone, and dwelling on the thoughts. I'm not sure exactly how I can reason this, except that I had been preparing myself for such a time to come sooner or later - it was already a blessing to have had her for so long (she lived to the ripe old age of 19.)

I made her appointment about three days in advance so I'd have some time to spend with her. I took so many pictures of her, brushed her for hours, and even put her on a harness and let her outside to walk in the grass and feel the sun on her back.

I'm glad you were able to spend a lot of time with Tia in her last hours.

Ultimately, you did the most important thing of all - you made her feel loved until the very end. <3

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Yes, I don't think there was anything that really went wrong in the euthanasia of Lily, actually, but it was still hard that those two things happened at the end. Now I think it was more of a loving gesture, but when you're stuck in incredible grief and considering the circumstances, it's so hard not to get stuck on that. Considering euthanasia is something that's easy to get regretful over the begin with (even though this regret is generally not warranted, and the euthanasia was the right decision), it's easy find one small thing to cling to and guilt yourself over.

Actually, when we euthanized my first dog, Lea, she seized a bit during the euthanasia (she most likely had a stroke just as it was happening), and that was hard... But with Lea, it was definitely, definitely her time and that made it a little easier. She was sixteen, could not stand, was blind and deaf, and her organs were beginning to fail her.

Oh wow--I completely agree with you on the Rainbow Bridge, or a heaven for animals... I'm agnostic and very skeptical about claims of heaven and all that (if anything at all, I believe in reincarnation), but for my animals... It's like I can't accept the thought of animals not going somewhere wonderful after they die. I know it's kind of odd to believe that animals go somewhere beautiful and wonderful and people don't, but I suppose it's just something I have to cling to in order to cope with it, though I recognize it may not be the most valid or scientific belief to hold. I do admit to feeling that animals are, in a way, more "pure" and deserving of a happy afterlife than many people, though--I am rather biased on this, though I do love and care for a great many individual humans.

And yes, I think we have to try our hardest to reach a point where we don't go back and blame ourselves over every little thing. It ultimately accomplishes nothing and has no real meaning to do that, so I'm working on just accepting that things went how they did and knowing that Tia knew she was loved until the end and did not suffer for very long. I'm so thankful that she passed peacefully, and I really feel that euthanasia was the right decision in this case and don't regret that at all.

It may sound strange to say so, but I think with Ling-Ling it was a very beautiful ending to her life--she was able to live a long time, had a peaceful passing, and you spent several days beforehand making sure she felt loved and was able to experience things she enjoyed. That is so wonderful, even though goodbyes are always sad.

Again, Dani, thank you so incredibly much for your support. ♥

[ylmik-wisty.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about Tia. It was too sudden. :( My sincere best wishes that you'll be okay.

.....Harakennnn ♥

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It really was... I think that's why I'm in so much denial right now. It's a big loss, and even when I lost Lily at least I had some concept that something was wrong (she starting having seizures, and went on medicine and improved for about a month, and then went severely downhill suddenly), and with Tia it's just... I can't believe it. From totally healthy to dead in forty-eight hours, and I only found out about it about ten or twelve hours before it happened. Thanks for your support. :(

Yesss! He is SO adorable--I can't believe it! ♥ You're going to love him. :D

[vehemence.livejournal.com]

my current cat is my first pet ever in my life, so I can't even begin to comprehend how it feels to lose an animal :/ I hope you can stay strong and positive ♥ Maybe you're not getting distraught as you've already experienced the loss of an animal that you loved, maybe that eases the shock somehow even if it doesn't ease the hurt.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Losing animals is really, really hard. I mean, I'm sure losing relatives and stuff is extremely hard, too (I can't remember losing my grandpas because it was when I was little, and none of my other relatives have died), but with animals it's like they're a constant part of your life who's always there embedded in your everyday life... So when they die, it's like there's this huge empty spot in your life that's really hard to understand or come to terms with. Give your kitty a big hug, take lots and lots and lots of pictures of them, and try to truly appreciate your time with them--you never know when they'll be gone.

And actually, the shock and pain never seem to lessen at all in my experience. It's just as hard, every time, and right now the only reason I'm not having an extremely hard time is that I really am stuck in the denial stage pretty badly at the moment. It'll pass, though, and be hard again once I start coming back to terms with reality. I'd prefer that right now, though, because it doesn't feel right just going about every day business and occasionally thinking "Tia is dead. She is really gone," and just...not getting it. It's hard to describe. :(

Thanks so much for your concern, Merry. ♥

[kirarakim.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I am really sorry about Tia. I know how much a pet is like part of the family. It sounds like from your last post that Tia had a really good home with a family that loved her.

You will have to share pictures of that Haraken.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

*Hugs back* Thank you so much, Kim. She did have a happy life, and peaceful passing, and that's really all anyone can ask for in the end, isn't it?

Oh, I will definitely be taking pictures soon! :D

[pdutogepi.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry about what happened to Tia, I know losing a pet is always a very hard thing to go through. I used to keep hamsters and it was never easy losing them. You just expect them to be there, even after they're gone.

I think the most important thing is that you gave her a really good and happy life.

*Hugs*

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's always very hard losing a pet... I used to have hamsters as well, and I think their short lifespans are partly why I don't keep them any more. They sure are cute, though. ;;

She did have a very happy life with us, though, and she went peacefully, so I think that's the important thing, though of course I miss her... Thank you for your support and understanding. ♥

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Yes, I was too. :( It was very sudden, but in some ways in was for the best. While it's always hard on the people left behind when it's sudden, at least it means her suffering wasn't all dragged out and long. Some people keep their animals alive far longer than they should, and I think that's far worse than making a decision to let them go when they can no longer live as their species was intended. A dog just isn't a dog when they can't walk or even raise their head, and they could never be happy like that... Thank you so much for your understanding and support, I really appreciate it. ♥

Yes, I love them! I have them near the HUGE PIKACHU in my room and I keep going to look at them and huge them over and over again! Midget was the perfect choice--I just ADORE him! He really is just about life-sized I think! And now that you mention it I think I will make some mojos of my own. :O BRILLIANT.

YOU ALREADY KNOW AND YOU'RE ALREADY GETTING SOME XD

[crimson-angel02.livejournal.com]

Many hugs to you through this difficult time <3 I know what it's like to lose a furry member of your family. We had to put down my childhood dog a week after Christmas because of lymphoma (Poor girl stopped eating because she was unable to go to the bathroom) As for not comprehending the reality of it, I hear you on that. It seem so unreal since you're so used to to her being there. <3 (Before we got our new dog last year I swear I could still hear the clicking of her nails on the wood floor at night and the jingle of her tags.)

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the comfort. ♥ Losing a pet is always such a hard thing, but it's made a little less of a burden with perspective and time and good friends who understand what it's like.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog as well, even though it was a while ago--when they stop eating, that's oftentimes a good place to start considering their quality of life, and it sounds like you certainly made the right decision. It is so unreal after they're gone, because there's always that adjustment period of realizing every time you pass certain parts of the house, or do certain things, that they're not there any more...

Thanks again. ♥

[mei-san.livejournal.com]

I was...eight I think (?) when I lost my cat. She died because of an accident and was in pain when she died. I remembered I just kept crying the rest of the day. I'm sorry to hear what happened to Tia. It was quite sudden, but at least she went peacefully surrounded by people who love her.

I totally didn't know SMJ existed until you mentioned it. Will have to check out the goodies on there. Are they usually expensive? Since you claim you owe them an organ or two?

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Awww, that's so sad about your cat. Losing a pet is always hard, but especially so when they're in a lot of pain and it's before they're even old... One of my cats was hit by a car when she was only one year old, and that was incredibly hard. You're right that she went peacefully and with people she loved, though--that's one of the things that makes it a little easier to bear. :(

SMJ is...a money trap. XD LOL, no, it's a great thing but also adds up really quickly. Be careful when you're bidding on things that it's something you REALLY want, because in addition to the auction price you end up paying internal shipping (Japan --> Japan), fees, and shipping to you and it adds up really fast. It's generally 2-3 times the auction price, or much more if the auction is for something small/cheap. (Like if you win something for, say, 200 yen, it'll generally be about $15 if it's small.) x__x But if you ever see something you REALLY want, it's definitely worth it, and you can get a lot of items that you'd never be able to find anywhere else. :D Let me know if you ever want to bid and need help with it--I've bought about sixty auctions on there now so I know the drill pretty well now.

[kasaii.livejournal.com]

*really huge hugs* I'm so sorry about Tia.. sudden losses are especially difficult, but no loss is ever easy. Wish I had more than internet hugs to offer you. ; 3; ♥

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

*Accepts huge hugs* Thank you so much for your support. ♥ :(

Awww, is that Cody in your icon? It reminds me of my first dog, Lea, who was also a sheltie (and it looks like they had similar colors as well).

[ensuing.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I'm sorry about Tina. The loss of a pet is never easy. I wish I could say something to help, but I'm not really good with this sort of stuff. I'm sorry for your loss, if there is anything at all I can do, let me know. =(

[trf-chan.livejournal.com]

I know I said so on Facebook already, but I'm so sorry about Tia...♥ I know how hard this is.

[digivolution.livejournal.com]

This is incredibly late, but I have been reading your entries about Tia, and I just wanted to say how incredibly sorry I am for you. I had to put my own dog down, and I know how it feels to lose such an important part of your life.

I'm sure Tia's up in doggie heaven right now, though, and having a really great time, and now she doesn't have to suffer anymore. And I'm sure she's watching over you just like my own dog is damn now I'm tearing up ;; It's going to take a lot of time, and I'm not sure if there's ever going to be a point in time where you truly don't think about her (I still think about Roxy), but over time the grief always gets easier and easier to handle.

For me, I felt it was easy to concentrate on other things so it wouldn't hurt so much. And then later on, I could finally draw her again because I had gotten over the pain of letting her go. There's still times where I go "hey I really wish I had my dog to pet right now" but it doesn't really hurt anymore.

From what it sounds like, Tia had a wonderful life with you and your family, and she got lots of love, and it was better to put her down so she wouldn't be in anymore misery. It was a really tough decision for my family, but choosing between putting my dog down and letting her suffer some more until she just faded away....the answer was clear for us. There's moments where I kind of go back and say 'did we really do the right thing?' but overall, yes, we did, and I believe you did too.

Anyways, I'm sorry if this comment is run-on and going EVERYWHERE but I just want to let you know that you have my sympathies, and that Tia is definitely in a much better place right now <3