April showers...bring May flowers?
Apr. 4th, 2006 09:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pacificpikachuAugh...today was a messed-up jumble of a day. It had its...mostly low points...and a few high points, and because I'm not ending the day on the greatest note, I guess overall I'm seeing it in the negative.
Woke up. Found a note I wrote myself that reminded me to Google some Akamaru and Kiba pictures for cosplay reference, so I did so. Went to school, listened to Chamber Choir for a little while, and ventured into the rain for first period.
First period, I started my project and began sketching Darcia and the mask and a little of the background. getting the symmetry of a wolf's face right when it's wearing half a mask intended for a human is surprisingly difficult. Listened reluctantly to Jessie babbling about exactly what degree of graphic Sukisho is in her attempts to persuade me to watch it. Um...I'd have to get some second opinions on that first before I even touch it, methinks. ^^; I have some vague worries that it would be sugary and plotless and not worth my time, but whatever. I'm not really basing this off of anything. :p
Second period, we watched a video on propaganda in the news regarding the Iraq war. The class discussions lead me to believe perhaps there is hope for my generation after all--as they made some rather astute observations and seemed focused on the exact problems with our government and media that need to be addressed. That was slightly uplifting, even though I was on the verge of falling asleep all period.
We ran at least sixteen laps in PE, in addition to basketball. Not...fun... Mentally prepared my costume in my head again. Was bored.
During Lunch...um...Zoe and I talked to that random, nice guy from Anime Club again and just...I don't remember what we talked about.
I worked all period on my project during fifth period, became rather engaged in said project, and as a result didn't want to leave the art room for sixth period. I want to say something funny happened, but if it did, I can't remember what it might have been. Tony and Makayla were both absent, which was too bad because I wanted to give Makayla the Kiba pictures I printed. Oh well. Hopefully she'll be present tomorrow.
Sixth period was pretty much a mess, and (depending on how you look at the situation) was either amusing or depressing. I suppose it was a little of both. We had a sub and worked on poetry analysis for most of the period, but everyone finished early, so one of the girls in the class randomly went up to the TV and VCR and pressed play. Unsurprisingly (because Mrs. Mclean loves it dearly), Princess Mononoke was in it. So, we watched the first twenty or so minutes of Princess Mononoke.
Might I recommend not trying to watch Princess Mononoke with your English 4AP class? There were a few other people in the class who were with me on the whole "I've seen the movie and it rocks!" thing, but most of the class was just... O_o;
There was a discussion on whether or not Yakkul is a llama. There was a discussion regarding whether the demon boar was a "spagetti monster." The class virtually started shrieking when Ashitaka shot off that guy's arms. People wondered about Jigo's nose and mole. People wondered about why the wolves could talk. The demon curse was described as "squiggly stuff." It was a disaster. A somewhat amusing disaster, but a disaster nonetheless. ._.; Appreciation of other cultures and storytelling, where are you in the general populous?
Seventh period was, now as per usual, sort of where I started feeling ponderous and a little depressed. The class actually watched this really interesting movie on brain anatomy (see: the entry from last year about "the movie with the ghost-Kenshin" or however I referred to it), and I pretty much attempted to read Great Expectations while that was on, but my mind kept wandering on to a certain subject, and by the end of the period, I was back into somewhat-angsty mode. Kirstin was rather concerned because I was being so quiet after school.
After a wait (in which I watched Amy and Alisa leaping around in the deep puddles), Mom picked me up, and she basically spent the whole time in the car ranting about how Tia attacked Brutus today, and how upsetting that was, and she recalled the event multiple times. She even discussed it with the lady at the gas station when we stopped for snacks. @_@ Okay. One thing that's weird about Aries parents is that they love to talk and talk and talk and talk about nothing in particular, regardless of whether the person they're telling it to is interested or not. Mom was convinced Lily's paw was bleeding for some unknown reason, but it had apparently stopped by the time I got in the car.
We picked Ryan up, stopped at an art gallery randomly to look around, went by the seamstress' shop to ask if she'll do my costume (she will), and I went to Benjamin Franklin and messed around with pens while I waited for Pizza and Song to start.
Pizza and Song was fun in its own way, and I'm sure it would have been much more enjoyable if I hadn't been in major angst mode the whole time. Everyone did a great job on their pieces, so that wasn't the issue at all. So, if you were in it, you did a wonderful job. ^_^ However, because I was really feeling awful about everything, I basically sat in the corner and worked on a drawing I started a week or so ago for the whole three and a half hours. I pretty much didn't move at all during that time period. I was...really seriously thrown into a pit of unhappiness again, as much as I was hoping I wouldn't get back into that.
I don't think anyone can accurately describe unrequited love if it's as strong as mine (even if they were to write endlessly, for all of their lives), but suffice to say...it's hell. I don't say that lightly. It truly, honestly hurts more than anything I can even imagine, and... I thought I was maybe starting to deal with it, but apparently, I haven't made much progress, and perhaps all I had been doing all along was distracting myself from the problem. When I'm not around them, I think I can sometimes convince myself I'm all right with it. At least to a point where I can handle the pain. But then...once I see him, I remember how desperately I love him, how much I just want to be everything to him, and it just comes back again like a tidal wave. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know what I can say to make them understand. I'm going to try to explain to them just how I feel, but I know no amount of words can express it. I just wish...I just wish it could all be so much more simple than this--but I suppose true love never is.
I know what my options are, but none of them are paths I'd like to take. There isn't really one that doesn't involve a lot of pain on someone's part, and the only thing that would "cure" the problem for good is so illogical it's not even funny. I'm still trying to just accept it and go from there, and hope things work out somehow in my favor, but...that just seems like it's not going to happen.
Why must I become so involved in everything I do, feel, and believe? Why can't I just be someone of moderation, so I can get over this and live my life in peace? But...I don't want to get over it, and I don't think I can even if I did. And perhaps that's a big part of the problem.
Well, I could angst endlessly for hours, but looking at the above post, I'm beginning to realize I'm not terribly eloquent or meaningful in my expressions of my feelings today. So, I'll just stop there and hope my brain doesn't explode or something from thinking it over. Good wishes to everyone--I hope there's no one else in this dilemma out there. (*Hugs![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kasumichan2003*)
Life can be so, so hard.
Woke up. Found a note I wrote myself that reminded me to Google some Akamaru and Kiba pictures for cosplay reference, so I did so. Went to school, listened to Chamber Choir for a little while, and ventured into the rain for first period.
First period, I started my project and began sketching Darcia and the mask and a little of the background. getting the symmetry of a wolf's face right when it's wearing half a mask intended for a human is surprisingly difficult. Listened reluctantly to Jessie babbling about exactly what degree of graphic Sukisho is in her attempts to persuade me to watch it. Um...I'd have to get some second opinions on that first before I even touch it, methinks. ^^; I have some vague worries that it would be sugary and plotless and not worth my time, but whatever. I'm not really basing this off of anything. :p
Second period, we watched a video on propaganda in the news regarding the Iraq war. The class discussions lead me to believe perhaps there is hope for my generation after all--as they made some rather astute observations and seemed focused on the exact problems with our government and media that need to be addressed. That was slightly uplifting, even though I was on the verge of falling asleep all period.
We ran at least sixteen laps in PE, in addition to basketball. Not...fun... Mentally prepared my costume in my head again. Was bored.
During Lunch...um...Zoe and I talked to that random, nice guy from Anime Club again and just...I don't remember what we talked about.
I worked all period on my project during fifth period, became rather engaged in said project, and as a result didn't want to leave the art room for sixth period. I want to say something funny happened, but if it did, I can't remember what it might have been. Tony and Makayla were both absent, which was too bad because I wanted to give Makayla the Kiba pictures I printed. Oh well. Hopefully she'll be present tomorrow.
Sixth period was pretty much a mess, and (depending on how you look at the situation) was either amusing or depressing. I suppose it was a little of both. We had a sub and worked on poetry analysis for most of the period, but everyone finished early, so one of the girls in the class randomly went up to the TV and VCR and pressed play. Unsurprisingly (because Mrs. Mclean loves it dearly), Princess Mononoke was in it. So, we watched the first twenty or so minutes of Princess Mononoke.
Might I recommend not trying to watch Princess Mononoke with your English 4AP class? There were a few other people in the class who were with me on the whole "I've seen the movie and it rocks!" thing, but most of the class was just... O_o;
There was a discussion on whether or not Yakkul is a llama. There was a discussion regarding whether the demon boar was a "spagetti monster." The class virtually started shrieking when Ashitaka shot off that guy's arms. People wondered about Jigo's nose and mole. People wondered about why the wolves could talk. The demon curse was described as "squiggly stuff." It was a disaster. A somewhat amusing disaster, but a disaster nonetheless. ._.; Appreciation of other cultures and storytelling, where are you in the general populous?
Seventh period was, now as per usual, sort of where I started feeling ponderous and a little depressed. The class actually watched this really interesting movie on brain anatomy (see: the entry from last year about "the movie with the ghost-Kenshin" or however I referred to it), and I pretty much attempted to read Great Expectations while that was on, but my mind kept wandering on to a certain subject, and by the end of the period, I was back into somewhat-angsty mode. Kirstin was rather concerned because I was being so quiet after school.
After a wait (in which I watched Amy and Alisa leaping around in the deep puddles), Mom picked me up, and she basically spent the whole time in the car ranting about how Tia attacked Brutus today, and how upsetting that was, and she recalled the event multiple times. She even discussed it with the lady at the gas station when we stopped for snacks. @_@ Okay. One thing that's weird about Aries parents is that they love to talk and talk and talk and talk about nothing in particular, regardless of whether the person they're telling it to is interested or not. Mom was convinced Lily's paw was bleeding for some unknown reason, but it had apparently stopped by the time I got in the car.
We picked Ryan up, stopped at an art gallery randomly to look around, went by the seamstress' shop to ask if she'll do my costume (she will), and I went to Benjamin Franklin and messed around with pens while I waited for Pizza and Song to start.
Pizza and Song was fun in its own way, and I'm sure it would have been much more enjoyable if I hadn't been in major angst mode the whole time. Everyone did a great job on their pieces, so that wasn't the issue at all. So, if you were in it, you did a wonderful job. ^_^ However, because I was really feeling awful about everything, I basically sat in the corner and worked on a drawing I started a week or so ago for the whole three and a half hours. I pretty much didn't move at all during that time period. I was...really seriously thrown into a pit of unhappiness again, as much as I was hoping I wouldn't get back into that.
I don't think anyone can accurately describe unrequited love if it's as strong as mine (even if they were to write endlessly, for all of their lives), but suffice to say...it's hell. I don't say that lightly. It truly, honestly hurts more than anything I can even imagine, and... I thought I was maybe starting to deal with it, but apparently, I haven't made much progress, and perhaps all I had been doing all along was distracting myself from the problem. When I'm not around them, I think I can sometimes convince myself I'm all right with it. At least to a point where I can handle the pain. But then...once I see him, I remember how desperately I love him, how much I just want to be everything to him, and it just comes back again like a tidal wave. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know what I can say to make them understand. I'm going to try to explain to them just how I feel, but I know no amount of words can express it. I just wish...I just wish it could all be so much more simple than this--but I suppose true love never is.
I know what my options are, but none of them are paths I'd like to take. There isn't really one that doesn't involve a lot of pain on someone's part, and the only thing that would "cure" the problem for good is so illogical it's not even funny. I'm still trying to just accept it and go from there, and hope things work out somehow in my favor, but...that just seems like it's not going to happen.
Why must I become so involved in everything I do, feel, and believe? Why can't I just be someone of moderation, so I can get over this and live my life in peace? But...I don't want to get over it, and I don't think I can even if I did. And perhaps that's a big part of the problem.
Well, I could angst endlessly for hours, but looking at the above post, I'm beginning to realize I'm not terribly eloquent or meaningful in my expressions of my feelings today. So, I'll just stop there and hope my brain doesn't explode or something from thinking it over. Good wishes to everyone--I hope there's no one else in this dilemma out there. (*Hugs
kasumichan2003*)Life can be so, so hard.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-04-06 02:35 am (UTC)Hope your situation turns out better. *Hugs* Best wishes, and if you ever need to commiserate about unrequited love, I'd be more than happy to listen. (phoenixfreedom @ yahoo . com)
Out of curiosity, how big of an age gap? O_o;
no subject
Date: 2006-04-05 05:10 pm (UTC)That's definitely how I feel. *hugs back* I just hope someday we'll be over this.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-06 02:38 am (UTC)