Competence.
Dec. 23rd, 2009 11:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pacificpikachuANGST POST. Feel free to skip.
There's this constant theme in my life, it seems, of me not being 'competent' in normal, simple, everyday activities. When I'm passionate about something, I'm generally very knowledgeable about it and will dedicate plenty of time and energy into it to make sure I am well-versed in the topic. It's very easy for me to focus on something and study all about it, practice it, figure it out, and so on, both in a scientific sense and an artistic sense. But the problem is, for some reason this is often to the neglect of my physical reality.
I have a hard time remembering to do even simple tasks, I can never find anything, it can be hard for me to muster the energy to do something that takes five minutes if I don't feel like doing it. I simply cannot seem to keep things together that most people have no trouble with. My parents are constantly, constantly harping on me for the fact that I basically have no practical sense whatsoever and my head is always in the clouds, that I don't have a job, that I'm on the computer all the time, that I didn't do this-or-that chore. Little things become big ordeals for me if I'm not interested in them, and essentially if I'm not spending time with friends or caring for pets I'm usually on the computer. Not because I'm obsessed with the computer itself, but with the fact that I can read about or watch about just about any topic I want and do many of the things I want to do.
I guess the problem is that my mind is constantly a mess of abstracts and knowledge and storytelling and analyzing big picture things and so on, but when it comes to simple functioning I just...don't know what to do. It's even easy for me to forget to eat for a day or more because I'm too wrapped up in something else. My mind is constantly going from obsession to obsession about something or another, and I honestly LOVE this because I thrive on being obsessed with things, but the people around me have trouble appreciating this.
I guess I just get frustrated, because I know who I am and I am mostly very happy with that person. I have a lot of developed skills that most people don't have, I put a lot of thought into...well, just about everything, and I know a lot about a wide variety of subjects. But ultimately, what my parents want and what I need in order to function in the world, is a sense of practicality. Of which I have very little. I just can't keep things together. I lose things, I forget what I'm doing or supposed to be doing, I have trouble doing very simple things like laundry or remembering to call to have my medications refilled. If something doesn't relate very directly to an interest of mine, I generally want nothing to do with it or simply forget about it altogether. Not on purpose, and I try very hard to keep everything organized, but my mind simply doesn't seem to work that way.
It's really hard for me to put in words what my exact frustration is. I guess just that I don't have any practicality, and it honestly takes a huge effort for me to remember to do things I'm supposed to do. I'm not very in touch with society, in some ways.
Ugh. I wish I could describe it better. But regardless, it stresses me out because I feel like I'm always making mistakes and failing at everyday life. It's almost impossible for my self-esteem to not suffer as a result. It's irritating when I'm proud of myself for completing some task well, and then either my mom or dad comes home and gets mad because I forgot to do some other things I was supposed to do (but I have no memory of) or because I didn't do it to their standards. I wish I could be more appreciated for who I am and what I am great at instead of what I lack and what I'm terrible at.
My life is mostly awesome, this year has been primarily amazing, and I'm not saying I'm utterly miserable or anything like that, but...the little things do gradually add up. And there definitely are little things.
There's this constant theme in my life, it seems, of me not being 'competent' in normal, simple, everyday activities. When I'm passionate about something, I'm generally very knowledgeable about it and will dedicate plenty of time and energy into it to make sure I am well-versed in the topic. It's very easy for me to focus on something and study all about it, practice it, figure it out, and so on, both in a scientific sense and an artistic sense. But the problem is, for some reason this is often to the neglect of my physical reality.
I have a hard time remembering to do even simple tasks, I can never find anything, it can be hard for me to muster the energy to do something that takes five minutes if I don't feel like doing it. I simply cannot seem to keep things together that most people have no trouble with. My parents are constantly, constantly harping on me for the fact that I basically have no practical sense whatsoever and my head is always in the clouds, that I don't have a job, that I'm on the computer all the time, that I didn't do this-or-that chore. Little things become big ordeals for me if I'm not interested in them, and essentially if I'm not spending time with friends or caring for pets I'm usually on the computer. Not because I'm obsessed with the computer itself, but with the fact that I can read about or watch about just about any topic I want and do many of the things I want to do.
I guess the problem is that my mind is constantly a mess of abstracts and knowledge and storytelling and analyzing big picture things and so on, but when it comes to simple functioning I just...don't know what to do. It's even easy for me to forget to eat for a day or more because I'm too wrapped up in something else. My mind is constantly going from obsession to obsession about something or another, and I honestly LOVE this because I thrive on being obsessed with things, but the people around me have trouble appreciating this.
I guess I just get frustrated, because I know who I am and I am mostly very happy with that person. I have a lot of developed skills that most people don't have, I put a lot of thought into...well, just about everything, and I know a lot about a wide variety of subjects. But ultimately, what my parents want and what I need in order to function in the world, is a sense of practicality. Of which I have very little. I just can't keep things together. I lose things, I forget what I'm doing or supposed to be doing, I have trouble doing very simple things like laundry or remembering to call to have my medications refilled. If something doesn't relate very directly to an interest of mine, I generally want nothing to do with it or simply forget about it altogether. Not on purpose, and I try very hard to keep everything organized, but my mind simply doesn't seem to work that way.
It's really hard for me to put in words what my exact frustration is. I guess just that I don't have any practicality, and it honestly takes a huge effort for me to remember to do things I'm supposed to do. I'm not very in touch with society, in some ways.
Ugh. I wish I could describe it better. But regardless, it stresses me out because I feel like I'm always making mistakes and failing at everyday life. It's almost impossible for my self-esteem to not suffer as a result. It's irritating when I'm proud of myself for completing some task well, and then either my mom or dad comes home and gets mad because I forgot to do some other things I was supposed to do (but I have no memory of) or because I didn't do it to their standards. I wish I could be more appreciated for who I am and what I am great at instead of what I lack and what I'm terrible at.
My life is mostly awesome, this year has been primarily amazing, and I'm not saying I'm utterly miserable or anything like that, but...the little things do gradually add up. And there definitely are little things.
