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pacificpikachuI have so many things to write about tonight... Bulleted!
* NaNoWriMo is over! Yes, I did win, so yay! I feel bad, though, because my feelings on my novel are rather neutral and I am somewhat sick of working on it. I'll probably read it over in a week or so to see if it's even worth continuing, but at the moment... I just never got as engaged in it as I was hoping to. I must admit I'm a little happy NaNo is over this year... I have so much going on and so little motivation that it'll be nice to have that extra time. As well as the fact that I can now concentrate on writing whatever else I feel like writing. I wish I had been more enthusiastic about NaNo this year, but...oh well, at least I did it. I certainly don't regret doing it; I just regret that I was less enthusiastic this year about the experience in general.
* I've been rewatching Mysterious Ways. I seriously forgot how much I love this series. ;___; ♥ THE CHARACTERS. I LOVE THEM.Totally still have a crush on Declan, L-LOL. I just finished The Ties That Bind, which is the eighth episode (out of forty-four) and...gah, I love that episode. Amazing. For those who don't know, which is most of you, that episode of Mysterious Ways is where I got my 528 obsession! Yep, where it all began and the 528 thing is still continuing eight years later (having been spread to nearly every one of my RL friends).
I do recommend it to anyone who's up for checking it out. It's about a goofy, enthusiastic Anthropology professor named Declan Dunn who investigates so-called miraculous phenomena with the help of Peggy, a skeptical psychiatrist, and Miranda, a quirky, brilliant Physicist. The characters are all kinds of lovable and the series is moving and very well-written. Some episodes are better than others and the series occasionally gets a bit too sentimental, but almost all of the episodes are amazing and there are always great twists at the end of each episode. ♥ Several of the episodes in particular are downright incredible or heartwrenching or just plain uplifting. If you think you might like it, finding torrents is now not too difficult (YESSSS! Only took six years) and I would love to have other people to fangirl it with. Here's the wiki in case you want to read more about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mysterious_Ways_(TV_series)
* Other than the glee of Mysterious Ways, I've been feeling kind of...discontent lately. Not a lot, but enough that I think it's time for a nice, long deconstruction of feelings! (That's what LiveJournal is for, right?) I don't know what it is, but I still feel really...stuck in a rut, for lack of a better way to put it. I'm almost starting to wonder if I really am depressed or something, because I feel like with a few exceptions like being fangirlish about things, I just can't seem to keep up a whole lot of motivation or even enthusiasm. I can only seem to sleep between 3 AM and 1 PM, and if I try to get less sleep than that or try to move to a different schedule I fail and feel exhausted all day. Even when I do get enough sleep, I just feel kind of...blah the vast majority of the time. I just sit on the computer and refresh pages and read entries that I sometimes can't even find the energy to comment on.
I think it doesn't help that I feel like I keep getting minorly disappointed by things, and then I start feeling a bit isolated and unappreciated as a result. Several of my close RL friends who I used to spend a lot of time with moved down to San Francisco months ago and I think I miss them more than I realize. Everyone who is here is busy or I just never initiate contact for reasons unknown to even myself. I'm looking forward to having classes with KK next semester because I think that'll help the loneliness, and I'll have more time to hang out with people over break, but for now it seems like I'm alone more than I like to be. Which is saying a lot, because I'm an introvert and I can go quite a bit without people and still be perfectly content.
I've made plans with people (friends, other NaNo writers, and so on) a bunch of times only to have the plans canceled most of the time, and even my parents keep telling me we'll go places or do things and then backing out of them. I don't want to sound like an attention whore because I don't think I ammost of the time, but even online I feel like I make an effort to talk to people and be a good friend and in a lot of cases I just get ignored in return. This is NOT true in all cases by any means--many of you comment a lot, we have great exchanges, and I feel like we have a great mutual friendship, and I hope you realize that means a lot to me--but I still feel like, in my life, I often put out more effort than other people and receive less back than they do.
Not just in friendships, but in other things, too. For a silly, insignificant example (and I do realize how petty this is, yes), on Deviantart I have not even 2000 pageviews. I do not mean this in an egotistical way because I'm actually pretty insecure about my art and often feel frustrated by my artistic shortcomings, but I do believe I am better than a lot of the artists there. And yet, consistently, I see people who are pretty unskilled, sometimes downright awful, with 20,000 page views, or 40,000, or 150,000... And I don't get it. I'll see crummy half-assed drawings of Umbreon with 500-1000 favorites, and I'll spend hours drawing what I'm pretty sure is a great Umbreon drawing and get, oh, 6-7 favorites perhaps.
It seems to be like that in a lot of areas of my life, I think. Not all of them, certainly, and overall I am content with and thankful for what I have, but it's still hard when I feel like I put so much time and effort into things and get little to no feedback or attention, when other people put way less effort or time into the same things and get spades of attention. I don't get it. I just want to be acknowledged, too.
I don't even know what to do. I want my energy back. I want to spend time with real people on at least a somewhat more regular basis. I want to be reminded, without having to ask for it or prompting it, that people care about me and that I am good at things I do. I know people do care about me--lots of people--but I can't help but feel isolated anyway. I want to go out and accomplish things and get my license (I'm getting quite good at driving now) and get a job, but my motivation to do so is rather short-lived if it comes up at all. I want to go to classes and do my homework without feeling like it's torture because I'd rather be sleeping or doing nothing at all on the computer for hours and hours.
Anyway, I don't know what's up. Might rant more in the next few days, we'll see. Also feeling rather discontent about humanity in general after seeing another fur farm video that will haunt me forever.
Happier entry coming soon! I have some most excellent purikura pictures to share. XD
In the meantime, I think I will ponder what my shipping preferences are in Mysterious Ways. Hmmmm.
I need to get back on watching the Fall anime as well! There is so, so, so much I need to see and I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be confusing trying to juggle downloading and watching all of it!
* NaNoWriMo is over! Yes, I did win, so yay! I feel bad, though, because my feelings on my novel are rather neutral and I am somewhat sick of working on it. I'll probably read it over in a week or so to see if it's even worth continuing, but at the moment... I just never got as engaged in it as I was hoping to. I must admit I'm a little happy NaNo is over this year... I have so much going on and so little motivation that it'll be nice to have that extra time. As well as the fact that I can now concentrate on writing whatever else I feel like writing. I wish I had been more enthusiastic about NaNo this year, but...oh well, at least I did it. I certainly don't regret doing it; I just regret that I was less enthusiastic this year about the experience in general.
* I've been rewatching Mysterious Ways. I seriously forgot how much I love this series. ;___; ♥ THE CHARACTERS. I LOVE THEM.
I do recommend it to anyone who's up for checking it out. It's about a goofy, enthusiastic Anthropology professor named Declan Dunn who investigates so-called miraculous phenomena with the help of Peggy, a skeptical psychiatrist, and Miranda, a quirky, brilliant Physicist. The characters are all kinds of lovable and the series is moving and very well-written. Some episodes are better than others and the series occasionally gets a bit too sentimental, but almost all of the episodes are amazing and there are always great twists at the end of each episode. ♥ Several of the episodes in particular are downright incredible or heartwrenching or just plain uplifting. If you think you might like it, finding torrents is now not too difficult (YESSSS! Only took six years) and I would love to have other people to fangirl it with. Here's the wiki in case you want to read more about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mysterious_Ways_(TV_series)
* Other than the glee of Mysterious Ways, I've been feeling kind of...discontent lately. Not a lot, but enough that I think it's time for a nice, long deconstruction of feelings! (That's what LiveJournal is for, right?) I don't know what it is, but I still feel really...stuck in a rut, for lack of a better way to put it. I'm almost starting to wonder if I really am depressed or something, because I feel like with a few exceptions like being fangirlish about things, I just can't seem to keep up a whole lot of motivation or even enthusiasm. I can only seem to sleep between 3 AM and 1 PM, and if I try to get less sleep than that or try to move to a different schedule I fail and feel exhausted all day. Even when I do get enough sleep, I just feel kind of...blah the vast majority of the time. I just sit on the computer and refresh pages and read entries that I sometimes can't even find the energy to comment on.
I think it doesn't help that I feel like I keep getting minorly disappointed by things, and then I start feeling a bit isolated and unappreciated as a result. Several of my close RL friends who I used to spend a lot of time with moved down to San Francisco months ago and I think I miss them more than I realize. Everyone who is here is busy or I just never initiate contact for reasons unknown to even myself. I'm looking forward to having classes with KK next semester because I think that'll help the loneliness, and I'll have more time to hang out with people over break, but for now it seems like I'm alone more than I like to be. Which is saying a lot, because I'm an introvert and I can go quite a bit without people and still be perfectly content.
I've made plans with people (friends, other NaNo writers, and so on) a bunch of times only to have the plans canceled most of the time, and even my parents keep telling me we'll go places or do things and then backing out of them. I don't want to sound like an attention whore because I don't think I am
Not just in friendships, but in other things, too. For a silly, insignificant example (and I do realize how petty this is, yes), on Deviantart I have not even 2000 pageviews. I do not mean this in an egotistical way because I'm actually pretty insecure about my art and often feel frustrated by my artistic shortcomings, but I do believe I am better than a lot of the artists there. And yet, consistently, I see people who are pretty unskilled, sometimes downright awful, with 20,000 page views, or 40,000, or 150,000... And I don't get it. I'll see crummy half-assed drawings of Umbreon with 500-1000 favorites, and I'll spend hours drawing what I'm pretty sure is a great Umbreon drawing and get, oh, 6-7 favorites perhaps.
It seems to be like that in a lot of areas of my life, I think. Not all of them, certainly, and overall I am content with and thankful for what I have, but it's still hard when I feel like I put so much time and effort into things and get little to no feedback or attention, when other people put way less effort or time into the same things and get spades of attention. I don't get it. I just want to be acknowledged, too.
I don't even know what to do. I want my energy back. I want to spend time with real people on at least a somewhat more regular basis. I want to be reminded, without having to ask for it or prompting it, that people care about me and that I am good at things I do. I know people do care about me--lots of people--but I can't help but feel isolated anyway. I want to go out and accomplish things and get my license (I'm getting quite good at driving now) and get a job, but my motivation to do so is rather short-lived if it comes up at all. I want to go to classes and do my homework without feeling like it's torture because I'd rather be sleeping or doing nothing at all on the computer for hours and hours.
Anyway, I don't know what's up. Might rant more in the next few days, we'll see. Also feeling rather discontent about humanity in general after seeing another fur farm video that will haunt me forever.
Happier entry coming soon! I have some most excellent purikura pictures to share. XD
In the meantime, I think I will ponder what my shipping preferences are in Mysterious Ways. Hmmmm.
I need to get back on watching the Fall anime as well! There is so, so, so much I need to see and I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be confusing trying to juggle downloading and watching all of it!
