This has been the *WORST* day...

And here, it started off okay, too. ;_; The end of it just majorly sucked, though.

I stayed up late the night before working on my English final, because I suddenly lost faith in it and have been feeling kind of like it's just a mess, though it's done.

I was dreaming...something about Sasuke that I can't remember. I woke up a little earlier than usual, and was very awake and perky for some reason. I listened to music in the car, plut Claus out in the coop, etc., and listened to fun, bouncy music in the car.

I had forgotten it, but the whole of concert choir was leaving today on a trip (until Wednesday) when I got there. The middle room was scattered with sleeping bags and such. So, I said bye to Cody and KK and Selah and such (they left after the beginning of first period) and went off to first period. I don't really remember what happened first period. It doesn't matter anyway. -_-

In second period, we finished Schindler's List. The ending was really good and uplifting and wonderful, but I felt kind of bad because I had completely forgotten about the assignment over the weekend. Then Mr. Ostrom was saying this big ol' worksheet on Schindler's List was due tomorrow, and that's when the stress started building up, because that made two big assignments due tomorrow. Meanwhile, I was working on trying to make my English final more presentable feverishly.

During Anatomy, we were in S206 because someone was borrowing the Science Lecture Hall for testing or something. This is when I started feeling depressed. I was looking at one of Erin's worksheets, and I copied down maybe two or three answers, but for the most part we were just comparing whether or not we had the same worksheets. Mr. Larsen happened to walk up while I was writing one of the answers down and was interrogating me in front of the whole class about it. ;_; He said he was giving me a zero on all the worksheets... I know this sounds trivial, but it really got me depressed, and I felt humiliated about it.

During my TA period, I was pretty listless, as a result. I did some of my homework and therefore felt a little better, even though I was still angsting over what happened in Anatomy.

Trig was actually pretty fun, because we went to the computer lab and were doing things on that. I teamed up with Trevor and he's brilliant, so we were finished really quickly and he got the high score on the game Green Globs in the computer (he named himself Yaoi Boy (Trevor the Sexy God) in the high scores ^^;;).

In English, I continued working on my English final, but I didn't quite finish it, so I decided to take it home again for the night.

Mom picked me up late as usual, we did errands of some nature I can't remember, and I kept reminding myself I had a lot of homework to do.

When I got home, I made fun of a random Christian pamphlet I found in our house warning about the dangers of watching non-Christian movies and sat around for a while until I realized that I didn't have my Anatomy book and therefore could not study for the test. >< *Grumble* So I called Dad and he had to drive it all the way to Mom's just so I could study for the stupid test.

At this point, Mom started yelling at Ryan and I about not doing enough chores and not being responsible and this-and-that and "Why did you forget your Anatomy book" and all that. This totally stressed me out (and I already was stressed out), so I argued with her for a while and generally was very frustrated. I felt kind of like curling up in a ball and crying because she can be so frustrating to deal with sometimes. ><

While waiting for Dad to drop my book off, I started writing this story for Creative Writing called The Irony of the Black Fox, and that made me feel slightly better, as writing often does (which is what it is doing now). I wrote about three pages single-spaced in 10 font, which is a good amount for me, actually.

Dad finally dropped my Anatomy book by so I could study, and at this point I realized that my English final, which I've been working on for a long time now, is missing completely. >< I'm pretty sure I left it in the middle room, but if not then I'm seriously screwed. It'd better be there tomorrow or I might just die of sorrow.

I spent about an hour studying for Anatomy. It's honestly not that bad, and I think I've kind of got it down... sort of... I started feeling considerably better. And by the time I was almost finishing studying, it was pretty much time for bed. So, I decided to write a little LiveJournal entry before I went to bed, but just as I was about to do that, I remembered that Claus was still down in the chicken coop and I needed to bring him in for the night.

So, I go down to the chicken coop, thinking it's all better, and guess what?

Yep, I go down there, and not only is he missing from his perch, he's lying on the ground underneath the laying boxes, barely recognizable because he's torn completely open, blood everywhere. It was dark and even with my lantern, it looked like just some white and red fluff at first, but after examining it a number of times I could tell what it was.

And that's when I broke down and started crying. I had bonded with him, and he had always been my favorite... And at least with the other ones, their bodies weren't lying there in the open for me to see. I know things supposedly happen for a reason, and whatever was meant to happen will happen and all that, but I just feel so much like I let those poor, sweet, beautiful birds down... I wish I had never gotten them in the first place. They didn't deserve to die like they did... Like I said, I guess there's some reason that this had to happen, and I guess it would've happened no matter what, but I have serious regrets because if I hadn't been for that damn thing with Anatomy and me stressing over that, Claus would probably still be alive. I just feel so terrible, you have no idea... I'm still crying pretty hard, and it's been more than a half hour since I found him.

More than anything, I hate the feeling of letting those that depend on me down. My sweet animals, who fully depend on me, in particular. I really didn't think the animal (whatever it is) would come out this early and get him... I just... I don't know. I feel so terrible about the whole thing. I wish things like this didn't have to happen. I miss Claus. I just wish I could go back and bring him in before the sun went down. I wish Lily had been out guarding the coop, or just something...anything...had happened so he didn't have to die. I'm going to really miss him, and the big gold cage on the deck looks really empty and is making me feel even worse.

It's going to be hard to face everyone tomorrow... It's not like I'm going to start crying in class or anything, but it's still hard to explain to people how much it hurts to lose a little bird. Animal deaths are always the hardest thing for me to face, over people deaths and everything else, especially if I see the body of the animal. If I don't see the body, I'm usually okay because it's not a definite sort of loss, but when I see the body, I'm always really devastated. This reminds me of when Mom put Inky out in the sun so she could run around in a bigger enclosure, and didn't check on her, and she died of heat exhaustion. Not my fault (it was clearly Mom's fault), but it was another stupid mistake of an animal death that I still regret to this day. I can still remember the glazed eyes and stiff body and the drool on her mouth and...oh, it was so terrible. You could just *see* that she died of the heat, and that she tried desperately to get out of it. Absolutely awful. ;_;

It was just the worst ending to a day that was already a big stress-out fest. Nothing seemed right at all, and this seemed like the worst thing to happen, and the most terrible timing possible.

Well, I'd better go. I'm trying to stop crying so I can go to sleep. It's one of those things I know will be okay hopefully in a few days (and hopefully shorter, in the more superficial sense), but I know the regret's never going to go away. I always try my hardest to protect those I love and do what is best for them (hence why sweet Claus wasn't sitting in his cage all the time, where he was safe but had no freedom), and it just really, really hurts when I do all I can and it's still not enough.

Oyasumi.

This has been the *WORST* day...

And here, it started off okay, too. ;_; The end of it just majorly sucked, though.

I stayed up late the night before working on my English final, because I suddenly lost faith in it and have been feeling kind of like it's just a mess, though it's done.

I was dreaming...something about Sasuke that I can't remember. I woke up a little earlier than usual, and was very awake and perky for some reason. I listened to music in the car, plut Claus out in the coop, etc., and listened to fun, bouncy music in the car.

I had forgotten it, but the whole of concert choir was leaving today on a trip (until Wednesday) when I got there. The middle room was scattered with sleeping bags and such. So, I said bye to Cody and KK and Selah and such (they left after the beginning of first period) and went off to first period. I don't really remember what happened first period. It doesn't matter anyway. -_-

In second period, we finished Schindler's List. The ending was really good and uplifting and wonderful, but I felt kind of bad because I had completely forgotten about the assignment over the weekend. Then Mr. Ostrom was saying this big ol' worksheet on Schindler's List was due tomorrow, and that's when the stress started building up, because that made two big assignments due tomorrow. Meanwhile, I was working on trying to make my English final more presentable feverishly.

During Anatomy, we were in S206 because someone was borrowing the Science Lecture Hall for testing or something. This is when I started feeling depressed. I was looking at one of Erin's worksheets, and I copied down maybe two or three answers, but for the most part we were just comparing whether or not we had the same worksheets. Mr. Larsen happened to walk up while I was writing one of the answers down and was interrogating me in front of the whole class about it. ;_; He said he was giving me a zero on all the worksheets... I know this sounds trivial, but it really got me depressed, and I felt humiliated about it.

During my TA period, I was pretty listless, as a result. I did some of my homework and therefore felt a little better, even though I was still angsting over what happened in Anatomy.

Trig was actually pretty fun, because we went to the computer lab and were doing things on that. I teamed up with Trevor and he's brilliant, so we were finished really quickly and he got the high score on the game Green Globs in the computer (he named himself Yaoi Boy (Trevor the Sexy God) in the high scores ^^;;).

In English, I continued working on my English final, but I didn't quite finish it, so I decided to take it home again for the night.

Mom picked me up late as usual, we did errands of some nature I can't remember, and I kept reminding myself I had a lot of homework to do.

When I got home, I made fun of a random Christian pamphlet I found in our house warning about the dangers of watching non-Christian movies and sat around for a while until I realized that I didn't have my Anatomy book and therefore could not study for the test. >< *Grumble* So I called Dad and he had to drive it all the way to Mom's just so I could study for the stupid test.

At this point, Mom started yelling at Ryan and I about not doing enough chores and not being responsible and this-and-that and "Why did you forget your Anatomy book" and all that. This totally stressed me out (and I already was stressed out), so I argued with her for a while and generally was very frustrated. I felt kind of like curling up in a ball and crying because she can be so frustrating to deal with sometimes. ><

While waiting for Dad to drop my book off, I started writing this story for Creative Writing called The Irony of the Black Fox, and that made me feel slightly better, as writing often does (which is what it is doing now). I wrote about three pages single-spaced in 10 font, which is a good amount for me, actually.

Dad finally dropped my Anatomy book by so I could study, and at this point I realized that my English final, which I've been working on for a long time now, is missing completely. >< I'm pretty sure I left it in the middle room, but if not then I'm seriously screwed. It'd better be there tomorrow or I might just die of sorrow.

I spent about an hour studying for Anatomy. It's honestly not that bad, and I think I've kind of got it down... sort of... I started feeling considerably better. And by the time I was almost finishing studying, it was pretty much time for bed. So, I decided to write a little LiveJournal entry before I went to bed, but just as I was about to do that, I remembered that Claus was still down in the chicken coop and I needed to bring him in for the night.

So, I go down to the chicken coop, thinking it's all better, and guess what?

Yep, I go down there, and not only is he missing from his perch, he's lying on the ground underneath the laying boxes, barely recognizable because he's torn completely open, blood everywhere. It was dark and even with my lantern, it looked like just some white and red fluff at first, but after examining it a number of times I could tell what it was.

And that's when I broke down and started crying. I had bonded with him, and he had always been my favorite... And at least with the other ones, their bodies weren't lying there in the open for me to see. I know things supposedly happen for a reason, and whatever was meant to happen will happen and all that, but I just feel so much like I let those poor, sweet, beautiful birds down... I wish I had never gotten them in the first place. They didn't deserve to die like they did... Like I said, I guess there's some reason that this had to happen, and I guess it would've happened no matter what, but I have serious regrets because if I hadn't been for that damn thing with Anatomy and me stressing over that, Claus would probably still be alive. I just feel so terrible, you have no idea... I'm still crying pretty hard, and it's been more than a half hour since I found him.

More than anything, I hate the feeling of letting those that depend on me down. My sweet animals, who fully depend on me, in particular. I really didn't think the animal (whatever it is) would come out this early and get him... I just... I don't know. I feel so terrible about the whole thing. I wish things like this didn't have to happen. I miss Claus. I just wish I could go back and bring him in before the sun went down. I wish Lily had been out guarding the coop, or just something...anything...had happened so he didn't have to die. I'm going to really miss him, and the big gold cage on the deck looks really empty and is making me feel even worse.

It's going to be hard to face everyone tomorrow... It's not like I'm going to start crying in class or anything, but it's still hard to explain to people how much it hurts to lose a little bird. Animal deaths are always the hardest thing for me to face, over people deaths and everything else, especially if I see the body of the animal. If I don't see the body, I'm usually okay because it's not a definite sort of loss, but when I see the body, I'm always really devastated. This reminds me of when Mom put Inky out in the sun so she could run around in a bigger enclosure, and didn't check on her, and she died of heat exhaustion. Not my fault (it was clearly Mom's fault), but it was another stupid mistake of an animal death that I still regret to this day. I can still remember the glazed eyes and stiff body and the drool on her mouth and...oh, it was so terrible. You could just *see* that she died of the heat, and that she tried desperately to get out of it. Absolutely awful. ;_;

It was just the worst ending to a day that was already a big stress-out fest. Nothing seemed right at all, and this seemed like the worst thing to happen, and the most terrible timing possible.

Well, I'd better go. I'm trying to stop crying so I can go to sleep. It's one of those things I know will be okay hopefully in a few days (and hopefully shorter, in the more superficial sense), but I know the regret's never going to go away. I always try my hardest to protect those I love and do what is best for them (hence why sweet Claus wasn't sitting in his cage all the time, where he was safe but had no freedom), and it just really, really hurts when I do all I can and it's still not enough.

Oyasumi.