How does one react to heartbreak?
Apr. 12th, 2006 07:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pacificpikachuDownloaded the Monster anime. I'm loving the three episodes I saw--it seems to be going exactly as the manga went, voice acting is good, animation is nice (and very Urasawa-esque, which is definitely good). I even got my brother into it! XD;; He likes it because it has doctors and mystery and guns. Hahaha.
Well...today KK and I finally had our big talk we've been needing to have, regarding exactly what's been going on over the past few months. We actually didn't think we'd have the time to talk about everything, but...well, we pretty much did. And...
I'm not sure how to feel.
I'm relieved that I know the whole story, and that...it can't get too much worse for me from here. At least...I don't think it can. I don't know--I suppose it could. Within reason, though, it probably won't.
I'm horrified that all my worst fears were confirmed. Just short of people dying or contracting fatal illnesses or whatever...the situation regarding this whole thing couldn't be too much worse than it is.
I'm not reeling as much as I could have, knowing what I know...but that's only because I prepared myself for the worst. I braced myself for the worst, but I was hoping for the best. But no--it was as bad as I as I was hoping it wouldn't be. ._.;
I'm completely heartbroken. Completely...lost, I guess you could say. I know that this will scar me for the rest of my life. I know that, despite that I may move on to a degree, some part of me will always, always love him, and never want to give up on him.
I...don't know what to say. As of right now, I'm not feeling depressed or anything--I'm simply resuming life as I've lived it for quite a while now, but... I know there's some part of me, somewhere, that's crying its eyes out and that wonders how this could have ever happened. I know there's some part of me that's wondering how in the hell I can be expected to cope with this. There's some part of me that wishes I could go back and change things--or that...god, I just wish none of this had happened. I wish I could have prevented it...somehow...or fixed it, or... I don't even know how to react.
Acceptance is going to be beyond hard. I know I'm going to have my days where I wish I was dead sooner than deal with everything, and I know I'm going to have my days where I distance myself from the whole thing. I know that I can't stop the pain--it's inevitable. I don't even want to be optimistic at the moment... I don't want to move on. I just want the whole situation to go away. I know it's not going to, though.
I...just don't know what I can say anymore. I'm not capable of expressing it in words. I...doubt anyone could. I wish I could cry, but I can't. I wish I could just be like any other person and just cry for a week or whatever and just get over it...but I can't. I...love him so much despite everything, and I can't see that changing any time soon. Or...even ever. Maybe someday I'll accept it to a point where it's an invisible wound, but it'll never go away.
...I wish I knew how to react. I... *Sigh* I don't even know what to do, or what to feel, or how to go about living again. Some part of me has died, in a sense. I wish this was easier...
Well...today KK and I finally had our big talk we've been needing to have, regarding exactly what's been going on over the past few months. We actually didn't think we'd have the time to talk about everything, but...well, we pretty much did. And...
I'm not sure how to feel.
I'm relieved that I know the whole story, and that...it can't get too much worse for me from here. At least...I don't think it can. I don't know--I suppose it could. Within reason, though, it probably won't.
I'm horrified that all my worst fears were confirmed. Just short of people dying or contracting fatal illnesses or whatever...the situation regarding this whole thing couldn't be too much worse than it is.
I'm not reeling as much as I could have, knowing what I know...but that's only because I prepared myself for the worst. I braced myself for the worst, but I was hoping for the best. But no--it was as bad as I as I was hoping it wouldn't be. ._.;
I'm completely heartbroken. Completely...lost, I guess you could say. I know that this will scar me for the rest of my life. I know that, despite that I may move on to a degree, some part of me will always, always love him, and never want to give up on him.
I...don't know what to say. As of right now, I'm not feeling depressed or anything--I'm simply resuming life as I've lived it for quite a while now, but... I know there's some part of me, somewhere, that's crying its eyes out and that wonders how this could have ever happened. I know there's some part of me that's wondering how in the hell I can be expected to cope with this. There's some part of me that wishes I could go back and change things--or that...god, I just wish none of this had happened. I wish I could have prevented it...somehow...or fixed it, or... I don't even know how to react.
Acceptance is going to be beyond hard. I know I'm going to have my days where I wish I was dead sooner than deal with everything, and I know I'm going to have my days where I distance myself from the whole thing. I know that I can't stop the pain--it's inevitable. I don't even want to be optimistic at the moment... I don't want to move on. I just want the whole situation to go away. I know it's not going to, though.
I...just don't know what I can say anymore. I'm not capable of expressing it in words. I...doubt anyone could. I wish I could cry, but I can't. I wish I could just be like any other person and just cry for a week or whatever and just get over it...but I can't. I...love him so much despite everything, and I can't see that changing any time soon. Or...even ever. Maybe someday I'll accept it to a point where it's an invisible wound, but it'll never go away.
...I wish I knew how to react. I... *Sigh* I don't even know what to do, or what to feel, or how to go about living again. Some part of me has died, in a sense. I wish this was easier...
