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pacificpikachuDamn, I just typed out some extremely personal, hard-to-write stuff, and then it got erased, and for some reason LiveJournal only autosaved the first 's'. Anyway, I'll try to write it again, I suppose... It's important for me to write about, I think, simply for the sake of writing it.
I swear, every time I get upset, it snows. It's really weird.
I spent most of the day watching anime, as my physical symptoms of sickness apparently disappeared when I was better rested. I rewatched Gankutsuou episodes 6-8, just to make sure my memory wasn't faulty as to what happened in said episodes, and then crammed the last seven episodes of Saikano.
Saikano was really good--very painful, powerful, and wonderful series. Mostly because I could identify with the feelings of the characters, I found my eyes quite wet on at least eight occasions. This is not to say I actually cried--but I was definitely feeling for the characters, and because my own emotions have gone haywire on me again, I couldn't help but let the tears build up in my eyes. I definitely recommend it if you need a good cry.
Anyway, remember that weird optimism I had last night? Yeah, gone. I think what exactly is going on has been slowly registering in my brain since last night as I was trying my hardest to sleep. And...I don't know what to do.
On one hand, I want to sacrifice everything so he's happy. On the other hand, I can't survive without him. Like...it feels like this is slowly pushing the life out of me--literally. I keep getting sick because of it. I've had too many sleepless nights to count. I start shaking and I can't stop just thinking about it. I know how unhealthy it is, but I don't care. I know our relationship isn't going to change, but I don't know if I can handle what *is* going to change. I can't let go of him. This isn't to say just that I won't let go of him, but also that I simply cannot let go. Even if I could let go--if I knew I was capable of it--I don't think I could make the choice to do so. I know it's selfish, I know it's juvenile, but this is the first time I haven't been able to control what was going on inside of me, and I've created this...this non-reality, this absolute hell, and I've been living in it for the past two years. And the bars have gotten more and more plentiful, and thicker, and now it's hard to see even glimpses of the outside world.
But I don't want to go back to the real world. I don't want to ever, ever go back there if it means giving anything of him up in order to reach that. It's beyond words, how I've felt over this--it's beyond words, beyond comprehension, beyond physical existence, beyond self, beyond reality... I wish I was overdramatizing any of this, but if anything I'm making it sound like less than it is for the sake of not sounding utterly lost. I will never recover from this. Never, ever be the same person again, and I will never get over it. I know people say these things all the time--over the most trivial of things--but I mean it. There is only one cure, and right now there is an obstruction to that cure.
I've already given up almost everything. I've changed myself completely, I've forsaken the rules that used to make up my life and my personality, I've given up the stability of my happiness, potentially my future... I've been in love with him for longer than she's even known him. Why? Why do things like this happen? Why is it that the one and only thing I honestly want is just beyond my fingertips?
There's nothing I can do, so I will continue to be trapped. Only he has the key to my cage, put even if I was given my own key, I wouldn't want to use it. I know it's sadistic, and I know I'm screwing myself up. I don't care. I can't and won't give up.
God, I sound so emo...it's disgusting. I'm not making big deals out of nothing, though--this is a long-standing issue, and the only thing that can really, truly hurt me.
And the sad thing was, before this last twist happened, I was okay. I was healing--I was seeing the sun again. I was beginning to think there was some hope to getting the key, the cure, the one thing that could solve everything. I wondered to myself what the worst-case scenario would be. This was one of them. Perhaps I am overreacting to what happened on an external level, but I am not in the internal sense.
I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'll survive somehow, but it's going to hurt like hell. I can only hope this situation, too, passes with time, I suppose.
And so, I begin to wait, hope, and try not to be too hurt in the process. I'm doing this for his happiness. I just need to keep telling myself that. And if that's what the cause is, I suppose I can bear with it...at least, for now. The pain will be excruciating, though.
I swear, every time I get upset, it snows. It's really weird.
I spent most of the day watching anime, as my physical symptoms of sickness apparently disappeared when I was better rested. I rewatched Gankutsuou episodes 6-8, just to make sure my memory wasn't faulty as to what happened in said episodes, and then crammed the last seven episodes of Saikano.
Saikano was really good--very painful, powerful, and wonderful series. Mostly because I could identify with the feelings of the characters, I found my eyes quite wet on at least eight occasions. This is not to say I actually cried--but I was definitely feeling for the characters, and because my own emotions have gone haywire on me again, I couldn't help but let the tears build up in my eyes. I definitely recommend it if you need a good cry.
Anyway, remember that weird optimism I had last night? Yeah, gone. I think what exactly is going on has been slowly registering in my brain since last night as I was trying my hardest to sleep. And...I don't know what to do.
On one hand, I want to sacrifice everything so he's happy. On the other hand, I can't survive without him. Like...it feels like this is slowly pushing the life out of me--literally. I keep getting sick because of it. I've had too many sleepless nights to count. I start shaking and I can't stop just thinking about it. I know how unhealthy it is, but I don't care. I know our relationship isn't going to change, but I don't know if I can handle what *is* going to change. I can't let go of him. This isn't to say just that I won't let go of him, but also that I simply cannot let go. Even if I could let go--if I knew I was capable of it--I don't think I could make the choice to do so. I know it's selfish, I know it's juvenile, but this is the first time I haven't been able to control what was going on inside of me, and I've created this...this non-reality, this absolute hell, and I've been living in it for the past two years. And the bars have gotten more and more plentiful, and thicker, and now it's hard to see even glimpses of the outside world.
But I don't want to go back to the real world. I don't want to ever, ever go back there if it means giving anything of him up in order to reach that. It's beyond words, how I've felt over this--it's beyond words, beyond comprehension, beyond physical existence, beyond self, beyond reality... I wish I was overdramatizing any of this, but if anything I'm making it sound like less than it is for the sake of not sounding utterly lost. I will never recover from this. Never, ever be the same person again, and I will never get over it. I know people say these things all the time--over the most trivial of things--but I mean it. There is only one cure, and right now there is an obstruction to that cure.
I've already given up almost everything. I've changed myself completely, I've forsaken the rules that used to make up my life and my personality, I've given up the stability of my happiness, potentially my future... I've been in love with him for longer than she's even known him. Why? Why do things like this happen? Why is it that the one and only thing I honestly want is just beyond my fingertips?
There's nothing I can do, so I will continue to be trapped. Only he has the key to my cage, put even if I was given my own key, I wouldn't want to use it. I know it's sadistic, and I know I'm screwing myself up. I don't care. I can't and won't give up.
God, I sound so emo...it's disgusting. I'm not making big deals out of nothing, though--this is a long-standing issue, and the only thing that can really, truly hurt me.
And the sad thing was, before this last twist happened, I was okay. I was healing--I was seeing the sun again. I was beginning to think there was some hope to getting the key, the cure, the one thing that could solve everything. I wondered to myself what the worst-case scenario would be. This was one of them. Perhaps I am overreacting to what happened on an external level, but I am not in the internal sense.
I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'll survive somehow, but it's going to hurt like hell. I can only hope this situation, too, passes with time, I suppose.
And so, I begin to wait, hope, and try not to be too hurt in the process. I'm doing this for his happiness. I just need to keep telling myself that. And if that's what the cause is, I suppose I can bear with it...at least, for now. The pain will be excruciating, though.
