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Feb. 18th, 2012 02:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pacificpikachuJust a bunch of rambling ahead, so if you don't read it, don't feel bad! I suppose I'm just in a rambling mood. Like always, haha.
I've been staying busy! I'm still petsitting, but that ends tomorrow night. I also worked nine hours straight on Tuesday! (I'm supposed to take a lunch but I was too absorbed in what I was doing, shhhh, and I did a little snacking while working.) It was hard work but I think I helped prove myself at least slightly again, as I saved my boss a lot of work by figuring out how to do various things that she used to do herself.
Of course, now that I'm petsitting, I appreciate my own homes better, hahaha. Where I'm staying is so peaceful and lovely and beautiful (hot tub bathtub? Yes please! Waterbed is really nice, too), but of course there are many perks to being at home. Spending more time with my own animals, working on more projects, not so much driving, and so on. I've been staying late at mom's house lately and then going back to where I'm petsitting after midnight.
I've been doing tons of modifications to my room at mom's, and the house in general as well. I just put in a large bookshelf in my room, so now I'm moving my manga and anime artbooks over from dad's house (so there's more room for my collection, hahaha, and also so I have the books where I can actually read/look at/appreciate them more often), I extensively cleaned my mattress off to put the new sheets and blanket on it, and I'm putting up art all around the house. It's kind of crazy how much I've been doing since the beginning of the year. All of my cosplay has been moved into the closet of the bird room, as all those mascot costumes take up a lot of room and they were not very safe from possible damages there. I fixed the carpet cleaner and I've been working on cleaning up the carpets again, and I'm regularly using our wonderful new vacuum as well. I got all the flashlights working and took all of the batteries out of the drawers (next step? Organize those kitchen drawers!), got all the animal grooming supplies together and excess animal collars for foster animals or if our animals' collars get broken, so they're both easy to find when I use them, and have been working on going through my old CD-Rs and DVD-Rs to take off the data I still want. Trying to get mom to buy a new computer, even she complains about her current one but she's making buying a new one more complicated than it needs to be.
I've enjoyed setting up different "forts" for Tosca, because she's a goofball and loves going in different places. I set up under my desk, one of the shelves on my older bookshelf, she has a crinkly tunnel in my room that she loves, and she has huge boxes to go in placed all around the house. I have a My Little Pony tent that I got a while ago on sale, so I'm going to set that up for her, too.
I have some nice printer paper and a bunch of (cheap) frames to use, so I'm going through my thousands and thousands of pictures on my computer and picking out the best of the best to print out and put everywhere. I also have customizable magnet sheets, coasters, and photo paper with adhesive on the back, as well as regular photo paper, so I'm set. Just a matter of narrowing it down to what I want to print!I've organized all of my craft related things, and once I have some more time I'm going to send lots more cards.
Basically, CLEAN (and organize) ALL THE THINGS! Really. And it doesn't seem to end, but that's not bad? I guess I AM related to my dad after all, hahaha.
The toilet overflowed the other day, and then I spent like five hours cleaning the entire bathroom top-to-bottom. I enjoyed it once the toilet water was gone, that part was awful`and possibly even traumatic (even though I've dealt with far worse, somehow human excretions gross me out way more than animal ones), but once that was over the rest of it went smoothly. The toilet overflowing was practically a crisis, haha, I definitely had no idea what to do and figuring out how to a) get rid of the water, and b) mop was a trial. I'm derp when it comes to figuring out how to perform basic tasks. It's the complex ones I do well with.
I think I'm probably getting a bit carried away, to be honest, but I think it's good. Mom's house desperately needs organization and cleaning, and I thrive when I have projects to work on. At this point I have so many projects that I can hardly keep track, but many of them are small. I'm just doing all of these crazy things when I can, and of course I still relax quite a bit and go on the computer and watch TV. I haven't really been keeping up with the internet as well as I should, though--working on too many projects. That's going to have to be a project, hahaha.
Financially, things are no good again, but I'm going to get paid for petsitting soon so that will hopefully tide me over on gas money and animal food until my (small) paycheck comes. Right now I'm in the negatives because the bank put a check through that I thought they had already put through, sigh. Definitely my fault this time. I do need to post things on Ebay, but I haven't had time lately! Ugh. Need to work on that this week. Going to see if Mom will pay me at all if I do a good job cleaning up the house, as she's been talking about hiring a housecleaner, but she's distrustful of people and I don't think most housekeepers are used to dealing with as much chaos as we have at our house. I have the energy now, just have to find the time! Once petsitting is over perhaps. Going to see if there's any little jobs I could take on otherwise as well, or something.
Finally got a big cel binder for my oversized cels! I'm using the smaller cel binder for my Pokémon cels (aside from the one oversized one I have), and the bigger one for my non-Pokémon cels. The non-Pokémon cels I have are Millennium Actress (my favorite movie, and I have something like a dozen cels from it or so?), several from Escaflowne, a few Secret of NIMH drawings, one Cowboy Bebop, and one Perfect Blue. I love cel collecting, though it certainly is expensive. I've been holding off on buying cels for the most part lately--thankfully nothing has popped up that I really want, at least after that Ash/Pikachu cel I couldn't win. I'm just hoping nothing does show up until finances improve.
As I organize everything, I'm hoping this will help me to be less stressed and keep better track of things. This has been a big theme in my life the last few years, that I haven't been able to keep it together, and I feel like I'm finally beginning to get it together some. Well, definitely not all the way yet, but I'm making progress and trying hard to keep that process going.
I think the Adderall I'm on to help me with my energy does make me slightly manic at times, but it's seriously preferable to the alternative, which is sleeping all the time and never getting anything done nor being able to keep anything straight. I think the medication just brings out my normal self, who is constantly working on things and getting all excited. I get somewhat overly focused on things and I'm rather obsessive, but that's how I was before...whatever it was happened anyway, so I think most of it is simply me reacting to having energy and focus again. I still don't think my problem is depression, or that depression is not the main issue but could be a contributing factor, and I have some good reasons for that suspicion. I think it's a different issue, but I'm not sure what. I feel like maybe it is thyroid no matter what the labs have all said, simply because nearly every female on mom's side of the family has thyroid problems and most were misdiagnosed for years, but of course that's just a hunch. I don't have most of the common symptoms, but it just seems possible to me regardless. There's definitely something wrong with me, but I don't know what. I guess it's just a matter of continuing to search. In the meantime, this medication has helped me get back my zest for life and behaving like I prefer to, so I'm happy with that.
I'm a bit blue about being reprimanded still. I think about my job and work and feel disappointed in myself for letting my co-workers down. As a result of all the weird things that happened, I appear so much less reliable than I am, and that's what upsets me the most. This last issue was my fault, I take the blame for it, but the previous issues--while they were incredibly dumb on my part--are frustrating because they were just such weird occurrences. I just hate that I screwed up multiple times without meaning to at all, and I don't feel like it's the right reflection of me. Here are people I respect and want to impress, and yet of course
I think I'm starting to realize what how the pattern of me screwing up works, at least a little. I make a mistake, and it compounds because I guilt myself so much over it that I avoid it, and as a result it gets worse. I think I'm afraid of being punished because internally, I know what I've done wrong and already mentally guilt myself over those wrong things I do. (Sometimes I'll even guilt myself over something that happened a long time ago, or some negative feeling I had, as if it defines me or something.) It's like adding gas to a fire if someone gets mad at me about it. All that guilt rushes to the surface, and I become even more sensitive than usual because I'm already upset over what I did. I think over the past few years, repeated problems in different areas of my life have weakened my self-esteem, so I just can't handle being criticized because I'm trying to believe in myself, but between me and other people reminding me of my mistakes, I slip back into feeling like a loser or someone who can't stop making mistakes. Now I just wish I could convey that properly, especially to my parents. I love them but they can be so critical, and it's the last thing I need. I'm striving to be a better person, but there are some mistakes that I'm just in a pattern of making and I need to set things up for myself so I can't continue to make them.
Anyway, it's late and I need to go to bed. Work tomorrow! Well, maybe a few lists before bed... Haha.
I've been staying busy! I'm still petsitting, but that ends tomorrow night. I also worked nine hours straight on Tuesday! (I'm supposed to take a lunch but I was too absorbed in what I was doing, shhhh, and I did a little snacking while working.) It was hard work but I think I helped prove myself at least slightly again, as I saved my boss a lot of work by figuring out how to do various things that she used to do herself.
Of course, now that I'm petsitting, I appreciate my own homes better, hahaha. Where I'm staying is so peaceful and lovely and beautiful (hot tub bathtub? Yes please! Waterbed is really nice, too), but of course there are many perks to being at home. Spending more time with my own animals, working on more projects, not so much driving, and so on. I've been staying late at mom's house lately and then going back to where I'm petsitting after midnight.
I've been doing tons of modifications to my room at mom's, and the house in general as well. I just put in a large bookshelf in my room, so now I'm moving my manga and anime artbooks over from dad's house (so there's more room for my collection, hahaha, and also so I have the books where I can actually read/look at/appreciate them more often), I extensively cleaned my mattress off to put the new sheets and blanket on it, and I'm putting up art all around the house. It's kind of crazy how much I've been doing since the beginning of the year. All of my cosplay has been moved into the closet of the bird room, as all those mascot costumes take up a lot of room and they were not very safe from possible damages there. I fixed the carpet cleaner and I've been working on cleaning up the carpets again, and I'm regularly using our wonderful new vacuum as well. I got all the flashlights working and took all of the batteries out of the drawers (next step? Organize those kitchen drawers!), got all the animal grooming supplies together and excess animal collars for foster animals or if our animals' collars get broken, so they're both easy to find when I use them, and have been working on going through my old CD-Rs and DVD-Rs to take off the data I still want. Trying to get mom to buy a new computer, even she complains about her current one but she's making buying a new one more complicated than it needs to be.
I've enjoyed setting up different "forts" for Tosca, because she's a goofball and loves going in different places. I set up under my desk, one of the shelves on my older bookshelf, she has a crinkly tunnel in my room that she loves, and she has huge boxes to go in placed all around the house. I have a My Little Pony tent that I got a while ago on sale, so I'm going to set that up for her, too.
I have some nice printer paper and a bunch of (cheap) frames to use, so I'm going through my thousands and thousands of pictures on my computer and picking out the best of the best to print out and put everywhere. I also have customizable magnet sheets, coasters, and photo paper with adhesive on the back, as well as regular photo paper, so I'm set. Just a matter of narrowing it down to what I want to print!I've organized all of my craft related things, and once I have some more time I'm going to send lots more cards.
Basically, CLEAN (and organize) ALL THE THINGS! Really. And it doesn't seem to end, but that's not bad? I guess I AM related to my dad after all, hahaha.
The toilet overflowed the other day, and then I spent like five hours cleaning the entire bathroom top-to-bottom. I enjoyed it once the toilet water was gone, that part was awful`and possibly even traumatic (even though I've dealt with far worse, somehow human excretions gross me out way more than animal ones), but once that was over the rest of it went smoothly. The toilet overflowing was practically a crisis, haha, I definitely had no idea what to do and figuring out how to a) get rid of the water, and b) mop was a trial. I'm derp when it comes to figuring out how to perform basic tasks. It's the complex ones I do well with.
I think I'm probably getting a bit carried away, to be honest, but I think it's good. Mom's house desperately needs organization and cleaning, and I thrive when I have projects to work on. At this point I have so many projects that I can hardly keep track, but many of them are small. I'm just doing all of these crazy things when I can, and of course I still relax quite a bit and go on the computer and watch TV. I haven't really been keeping up with the internet as well as I should, though--working on too many projects. That's going to have to be a project, hahaha.
Financially, things are no good again, but I'm going to get paid for petsitting soon so that will hopefully tide me over on gas money and animal food until my (small) paycheck comes. Right now I'm in the negatives because the bank put a check through that I thought they had already put through, sigh. Definitely my fault this time. I do need to post things on Ebay, but I haven't had time lately! Ugh. Need to work on that this week. Going to see if Mom will pay me at all if I do a good job cleaning up the house, as she's been talking about hiring a housecleaner, but she's distrustful of people and I don't think most housekeepers are used to dealing with as much chaos as we have at our house. I have the energy now, just have to find the time! Once petsitting is over perhaps. Going to see if there's any little jobs I could take on otherwise as well, or something.
Finally got a big cel binder for my oversized cels! I'm using the smaller cel binder for my Pokémon cels (aside from the one oversized one I have), and the bigger one for my non-Pokémon cels. The non-Pokémon cels I have are Millennium Actress (my favorite movie, and I have something like a dozen cels from it or so?), several from Escaflowne, a few Secret of NIMH drawings, one Cowboy Bebop, and one Perfect Blue. I love cel collecting, though it certainly is expensive. I've been holding off on buying cels for the most part lately--thankfully nothing has popped up that I really want, at least after that Ash/Pikachu cel I couldn't win. I'm just hoping nothing does show up until finances improve.
As I organize everything, I'm hoping this will help me to be less stressed and keep better track of things. This has been a big theme in my life the last few years, that I haven't been able to keep it together, and I feel like I'm finally beginning to get it together some. Well, definitely not all the way yet, but I'm making progress and trying hard to keep that process going.
I think the Adderall I'm on to help me with my energy does make me slightly manic at times, but it's seriously preferable to the alternative, which is sleeping all the time and never getting anything done nor being able to keep anything straight. I think the medication just brings out my normal self, who is constantly working on things and getting all excited. I get somewhat overly focused on things and I'm rather obsessive, but that's how I was before...whatever it was happened anyway, so I think most of it is simply me reacting to having energy and focus again. I still don't think my problem is depression, or that depression is not the main issue but could be a contributing factor, and I have some good reasons for that suspicion. I think it's a different issue, but I'm not sure what. I feel like maybe it is thyroid no matter what the labs have all said, simply because nearly every female on mom's side of the family has thyroid problems and most were misdiagnosed for years, but of course that's just a hunch. I don't have most of the common symptoms, but it just seems possible to me regardless. There's definitely something wrong with me, but I don't know what. I guess it's just a matter of continuing to search. In the meantime, this medication has helped me get back my zest for life and behaving like I prefer to, so I'm happy with that.
I'm a bit blue about being reprimanded still. I think about my job and work and feel disappointed in myself for letting my co-workers down. As a result of all the weird things that happened, I appear so much less reliable than I am, and that's what upsets me the most. This last issue was my fault, I take the blame for it, but the previous issues--while they were incredibly dumb on my part--are frustrating because they were just such weird occurrences. I just hate that I screwed up multiple times without meaning to at all, and I don't feel like it's the right reflection of me. Here are people I respect and want to impress, and yet of course
I think I'm starting to realize what how the pattern of me screwing up works, at least a little. I make a mistake, and it compounds because I guilt myself so much over it that I avoid it, and as a result it gets worse. I think I'm afraid of being punished because internally, I know what I've done wrong and already mentally guilt myself over those wrong things I do. (Sometimes I'll even guilt myself over something that happened a long time ago, or some negative feeling I had, as if it defines me or something.) It's like adding gas to a fire if someone gets mad at me about it. All that guilt rushes to the surface, and I become even more sensitive than usual because I'm already upset over what I did. I think over the past few years, repeated problems in different areas of my life have weakened my self-esteem, so I just can't handle being criticized because I'm trying to believe in myself, but between me and other people reminding me of my mistakes, I slip back into feeling like a loser or someone who can't stop making mistakes. Now I just wish I could convey that properly, especially to my parents. I love them but they can be so critical, and it's the last thing I need. I'm striving to be a better person, but there are some mistakes that I'm just in a pattern of making and I need to set things up for myself so I can't continue to make them.
Anyway, it's late and I need to go to bed. Work tomorrow! Well, maybe a few lists before bed... Haha.
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Date: 2012-02-19 08:20 am (UTC)As a psychology student, I am concerned about your taking of medication for an unidentified problem. You say that you have a family history of this, but do not meet most of the common symptoms; I suppose it is possible that this is a throwback flaring-up within your generation, but don't you want to get a second opinion, just in case? Don't get me wrong; it's good that the medication is helping you (or at least, appears to - how exciting it would be if it turns out you had it in you all along! The meds simply gave you the confidence).
I actually used to act like how you describe yourself in the last paragraph. That contributed to my lack of justice, I guess one can say, concerning a cheating girlfriend. I found a way that changed myself, but I found it turned me into a fundamentally different person. I started viewing my accomplishments involving aiding others (which you seem to possess a ton of as well!) and interpreted - in a strong show of arrogance - it as me being set apart from others.
Apart and above.
I am now fairly aggressive and make it a point to entrench myself in others in a way that poses them to give me more information, in a rather unequal manner, as if they are actually supporting me. My interest in others is genuine, though. It's just, I need to hold back now. Keep myself under close guard. I undergo lots of things, like rape crisis counselor training, so such a persona is actually quite frightening and detrimental to my work. But, at least I no longer let the opinions of the ants get to this spider.
If someone reprimands you or criticizes you, see if what they say has any merit. Identify points of concern and modify behaviors as appropriate while maintaining original persona. If others' concerns be not legitimate, have an involved talk with them asking why they feel the need to have talked to you about a perceived grievance.
I apologize for muddying-up your journal with this. Forgive me. I tend to talk in splurges.