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Aug. 14th, 2010 03:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pacificpikachuSome thoughts on various things, just kinda introspective at the moment. Rather long so I won't blame you if you skip this. The first part of the entry is more negative and then it gets positive, haha.
I've been pondering, and I think when it comes down to it, there are only two major issues going on right now in my life that are causing me stress.
1. Money -- This is a recurring issue in my life (and I think the lives of most people, but yeah). It seems like money issues are usually what cause the most stress in my life and also the underlying cause of my parents getting mad at me a lot of the time. Even if I just made a little money, $100 a week or something, that would be plenty for me to support my hobbies, save up a little for trips and fun and getting a frozen yogurt with friends every now and then, and help my parents with costs of things sometimes. I mean, of course more than that would be better, but really--any sort of stable income would improve my quality of life a lot I think. Hence why I'm job searching, but of course the whole problem is finding a job in this terrible job market. I have a lot of skills that can be used to make money (drawing, writing, internet skills, working with and caring for animals, and overall I think I would make a great employee), it's more a matter of finding opportunities... I'm still hoping on that vet assistant job, but I haven't heard anything back yet so I'm starting to lose hope.
I really hope that something comes up soon, I'm so sick of not having a job.
I received a large bill from Treasure-Japan today that was considerably bigger than I was expecting, which means time to sell as much as I can and hope I can scrape together the money for it in the next few days. It's stressing me out majorly because when I say this is a big bill I mean it, but I think ultimately it'll be all right somehow. I did some collection weeding and I just...things always work out, I'm sure this will, too. I just hope sales go well because otherwise things are going to be hard.
2. Energy/Depression -- My energy levels are low and have been for quite a while. I'm constantly struggling with finding the energy to do even small, mundane tasks around the house, and waking up has become a process that takes several hours and doesn't complete until midday even though I get enough sleep and sleep well. I ended up sleeping almost all of today even though I got enough sleep. It screws enough with my sleep process and daily life and all that, but worse it screws with my classes and ambitions.
I only have five or six classes left that I can take at Sierra College before I should be transferring to UC Davis. The problem is that those five or six classes are Chemistry, Organic Chemistry, Physics, and Calculus. Normal!Kristin can handle these classes even though I don't like them. I got an A in Chem 1A and have a GPA of 3.7-3.8 or something like that, what does that tell you? But because of these energy and focus issues, it makes it nearly impossible to take on these classes--particularly ones with labs. :( I would just take Calculus because I only have one semester of it to go and it's totally doable, but naturally that's the class Sierra College only offers at 7 AM down in Rocklin... Like hell I'm taking that at Sierra.
So basically I'm stuck, because I'm scared to take these difficult classes while I'm in the midst of this depression because I have a feeling I'll just get super frustrated and struggle and then end up dropping the class, but because of my parents' insurance, I have to stay a full-time student which leads me to taking a bunch of junk classes (which is a waste of time and energy more or less). I really think I should take a semester off to try and get my medications to where I feel better and am more normal, as well as try and get a job, but my parents can't afford the $200 or $300 or whatever a month to pay for my health insurance if I take time off school. I'm serious when I say I'm not up for the tough classes right now, though, I can hardly even handle being on summer break...
I guess there are two solutions to my two problems, and those are:
1. Get a job! Somehow, even though there are practically no jobs available!
2. Mess with medications (with a doctor, obviously, not just talking at random here) until I find a combination that works for me and brings me back up into the range of normal energy level.
The problem is figuring out what to do this semester, and also paying the big T-J bill I have. The first issue is obviously more confusing than the second (which is just a matter of money and should be resolved in a few days) because I just genuinely am not sure what to do. I'm so sick of taking junk classes, it's not doing anything for me and it's a waste of time and energy. I guess I should go talk to the college counselors again but I don't know what they're going to say...
I just wish I had the energy to be my normal self before my brain decided to fail me, and a job where I can work even just a few hours a week so I can support myself a little better. I'm trying my hardest to stay optimistic and look for solutions but that's easier said than done.
--
On the upside, I feel like I have the best hobbies in the world and I genuinely feel like they help keep me somewhat sane.
I love Pokémon so much, I never get tired of it at all and I feel like I love it more all the time. I'm not going to lie, to a certain extent it is escapism for me, but somehow more constructive than that? I guess it's what I go to when I'm feeling stressed-out and it gives me a feeling of happiness and peace. I love the fandom--it has little drama, a lot of very creative, fun, and friendly people, and I absolutely adore how you can pretty much always find what you want out of it. Whether it's amazing fanart that runs the full spectrum of art style and skill level, fanfiction of every kind, genre, and interpretation, collecting stuff, all kinds of different pairings, many levels of canon and fanon to choose from, all the different games, blah blah blah.
I'm not going to turn this into a Pokémon love post because I intend to make one of those at some point and go into more detail, but in short I am just so thankful for Pokémon. I feel like Pokémon and I are so intertwined at this point that it's a fairly significant part of who I am, but I don't mean that in a negative way at all. Instead of stunting any of my creativity or individuality it enhances both, and also provides an outlet for me and a springboard for my imagination. It is what has always kept me drawing and writing even when I get frustrated or feel like I have no inspiration. I've got an endless source of awesome critters to draw and appreciate and write about and collect, my adorable OTP, my OMG HAWT YAOI, deep/creepy/crazy/adorable fanfiction, music, anime, manga, games, a fun and awesome fandom...basically everything I could want within this one wonderful series.
My poultry hobby (as well as my pets in general, but I'm just talking about poultry for now for the sake of simplicity) is another thing that helps keep me sane. If I feel overwhelmed by the human world of money and selfishness and media and politics and so on, a simple walk out to the chicken coop does wonders. I have so many pretty, adorable, friendly, hilarious birds, and they'll greet me by pecking at the zippers on my shoes, flying up on my shoulders, looking for food, and putting on an entertaining show just by being themselves. They help keep me grounded. Er, well as grounded as I can be, anyway--I'm not very good at being grounded. They breed and have little chicks that are so fun to watch grow up, and occasionally they die and break my heart, and it's just a great reminder of the whole cycle of life and the fact that the simple things are what really matter. They take so much enjoyment out of dust baths, sunbathing, socializing, eating, and digging, it always makes me think there's no real reason for me to be unhappy. After all, I am a living thing with a finite time on this planet and there is always the sun and the wind and the trees and the sky, and that's just what a living thing needs.
Of course there are plenty of other things I'm incredibly passionate about that make my life worthwhile and wonderful, those are just two examples.
I am going through some rough patches because of my depression and whatnot, but I must be honest and say ultimately I am very happy with my life. Please never misunderstand my issues to mean that I am overall unhappy or that I don't appreciate what I have. I have a truly wonderful life and I am stunned to the point of disbelief at how amazing my life can be at times. Getting Honey and Hooch, seeing Yoko Kanno in concert TWICE, visiting GAINAX, going to the Pokémon Center, getting to attend as many conventions as I have, getting to meet as many anime creators as I have, the fun I have with all my animals and wildlife rehabbing, my online and RL friends (even though most of my RL friends have moved away or are too busy to do much), my family (even though they can be irritating at times), and so on. I am very thankful and anything bad I go through or difficult times I have are just bumpy patches of the road. Sometimes they're long and difficult, but I always try to keep in mind the larger context of my life, and that is that my life is amazing. ♥
Anyway, it's 3 AM and even though I slept all day I should probably go do something else. I'm impressed if you got this far in my rambling!
I've been pondering, and I think when it comes down to it, there are only two major issues going on right now in my life that are causing me stress.
1. Money -- This is a recurring issue in my life (and I think the lives of most people, but yeah). It seems like money issues are usually what cause the most stress in my life and also the underlying cause of my parents getting mad at me a lot of the time. Even if I just made a little money, $100 a week or something, that would be plenty for me to support my hobbies, save up a little for trips and fun and getting a frozen yogurt with friends every now and then, and help my parents with costs of things sometimes. I mean, of course more than that would be better, but really--any sort of stable income would improve my quality of life a lot I think. Hence why I'm job searching, but of course the whole problem is finding a job in this terrible job market. I have a lot of skills that can be used to make money (drawing, writing, internet skills, working with and caring for animals, and overall I think I would make a great employee), it's more a matter of finding opportunities... I'm still hoping on that vet assistant job, but I haven't heard anything back yet so I'm starting to lose hope.
I really hope that something comes up soon, I'm so sick of not having a job.
I received a large bill from Treasure-Japan today that was considerably bigger than I was expecting, which means time to sell as much as I can and hope I can scrape together the money for it in the next few days. It's stressing me out majorly because when I say this is a big bill I mean it, but I think ultimately it'll be all right somehow. I did some collection weeding and I just...things always work out, I'm sure this will, too. I just hope sales go well because otherwise things are going to be hard.
2. Energy/Depression -- My energy levels are low and have been for quite a while. I'm constantly struggling with finding the energy to do even small, mundane tasks around the house, and waking up has become a process that takes several hours and doesn't complete until midday even though I get enough sleep and sleep well. I ended up sleeping almost all of today even though I got enough sleep. It screws enough with my sleep process and daily life and all that, but worse it screws with my classes and ambitions.
I only have five or six classes left that I can take at Sierra College before I should be transferring to UC Davis. The problem is that those five or six classes are Chemistry, Organic Chemistry, Physics, and Calculus. Normal!Kristin can handle these classes even though I don't like them. I got an A in Chem 1A and have a GPA of 3.7-3.8 or something like that, what does that tell you? But because of these energy and focus issues, it makes it nearly impossible to take on these classes--particularly ones with labs. :( I would just take Calculus because I only have one semester of it to go and it's totally doable, but naturally that's the class Sierra College only offers at 7 AM down in Rocklin... Like hell I'm taking that at Sierra.
So basically I'm stuck, because I'm scared to take these difficult classes while I'm in the midst of this depression because I have a feeling I'll just get super frustrated and struggle and then end up dropping the class, but because of my parents' insurance, I have to stay a full-time student which leads me to taking a bunch of junk classes (which is a waste of time and energy more or less). I really think I should take a semester off to try and get my medications to where I feel better and am more normal, as well as try and get a job, but my parents can't afford the $200 or $300 or whatever a month to pay for my health insurance if I take time off school. I'm serious when I say I'm not up for the tough classes right now, though, I can hardly even handle being on summer break...
I guess there are two solutions to my two problems, and those are:
1. Get a job! Somehow, even though there are practically no jobs available!
2. Mess with medications (with a doctor, obviously, not just talking at random here) until I find a combination that works for me and brings me back up into the range of normal energy level.
The problem is figuring out what to do this semester, and also paying the big T-J bill I have. The first issue is obviously more confusing than the second (which is just a matter of money and should be resolved in a few days) because I just genuinely am not sure what to do. I'm so sick of taking junk classes, it's not doing anything for me and it's a waste of time and energy. I guess I should go talk to the college counselors again but I don't know what they're going to say...
I just wish I had the energy to be my normal self before my brain decided to fail me, and a job where I can work even just a few hours a week so I can support myself a little better. I'm trying my hardest to stay optimistic and look for solutions but that's easier said than done.
--
On the upside, I feel like I have the best hobbies in the world and I genuinely feel like they help keep me somewhat sane.
I love Pokémon so much, I never get tired of it at all and I feel like I love it more all the time. I'm not going to lie, to a certain extent it is escapism for me, but somehow more constructive than that? I guess it's what I go to when I'm feeling stressed-out and it gives me a feeling of happiness and peace. I love the fandom--it has little drama, a lot of very creative, fun, and friendly people, and I absolutely adore how you can pretty much always find what you want out of it. Whether it's amazing fanart that runs the full spectrum of art style and skill level, fanfiction of every kind, genre, and interpretation, collecting stuff, all kinds of different pairings, many levels of canon and fanon to choose from, all the different games, blah blah blah.
I'm not going to turn this into a Pokémon love post because I intend to make one of those at some point and go into more detail, but in short I am just so thankful for Pokémon. I feel like Pokémon and I are so intertwined at this point that it's a fairly significant part of who I am, but I don't mean that in a negative way at all. Instead of stunting any of my creativity or individuality it enhances both, and also provides an outlet for me and a springboard for my imagination. It is what has always kept me drawing and writing even when I get frustrated or feel like I have no inspiration. I've got an endless source of awesome critters to draw and appreciate and write about and collect, my adorable OTP, my OMG HAWT YAOI, deep/creepy/crazy/adorable fanfiction, music, anime, manga, games, a fun and awesome fandom...basically everything I could want within this one wonderful series.
My poultry hobby (as well as my pets in general, but I'm just talking about poultry for now for the sake of simplicity) is another thing that helps keep me sane. If I feel overwhelmed by the human world of money and selfishness and media and politics and so on, a simple walk out to the chicken coop does wonders. I have so many pretty, adorable, friendly, hilarious birds, and they'll greet me by pecking at the zippers on my shoes, flying up on my shoulders, looking for food, and putting on an entertaining show just by being themselves. They help keep me grounded. Er, well as grounded as I can be, anyway--I'm not very good at being grounded. They breed and have little chicks that are so fun to watch grow up, and occasionally they die and break my heart, and it's just a great reminder of the whole cycle of life and the fact that the simple things are what really matter. They take so much enjoyment out of dust baths, sunbathing, socializing, eating, and digging, it always makes me think there's no real reason for me to be unhappy. After all, I am a living thing with a finite time on this planet and there is always the sun and the wind and the trees and the sky, and that's just what a living thing needs.
Of course there are plenty of other things I'm incredibly passionate about that make my life worthwhile and wonderful, those are just two examples.
I am going through some rough patches because of my depression and whatnot, but I must be honest and say ultimately I am very happy with my life. Please never misunderstand my issues to mean that I am overall unhappy or that I don't appreciate what I have. I have a truly wonderful life and I am stunned to the point of disbelief at how amazing my life can be at times. Getting Honey and Hooch, seeing Yoko Kanno in concert TWICE, visiting GAINAX, going to the Pokémon Center, getting to attend as many conventions as I have, getting to meet as many anime creators as I have, the fun I have with all my animals and wildlife rehabbing, my online and RL friends (even though most of my RL friends have moved away or are too busy to do much), my family (even though they can be irritating at times), and so on. I am very thankful and anything bad I go through or difficult times I have are just bumpy patches of the road. Sometimes they're long and difficult, but I always try to keep in mind the larger context of my life, and that is that my life is amazing. ♥
Anyway, it's 3 AM and even though I slept all day I should probably go do something else. I'm impressed if you got this far in my rambling!
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Date: 2010-08-14 10:02 pm (UTC)