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pacificpikachuWell, I gathered up the strength in the morning to go to Chemistry. It wasn't too bad--though I was a little upset during the lecture and I kept getting confused during the lab--and it actually cheered me up a little watching everyone in the class messing around and having a good time. Michael kept mixing 6M HCl with bleach and getting it to fizz and bubble every time the teacher left the room, and then he'd wash it down the sink when she returned.
Anyway...um, I don't really know how I'm feeling now. I guess this is the denial stage. It's like...I know what happened yesterday, and I know who Lily was and how big a part of my life she was, but I can't seem to connect the two concepts with each other. I keep thinking I'm going to see her sitting in the backseat of the car, or hear her barking along with Tia, or be able to bring her out with me to the chickens. It just feels so empty without her, even though I can't say at this point I completely understand that she's gone.
Every time I think of her last few moments, even though they were peaceful, I can't help but cry and feel sick. I took two pictures of her about a half hour before she slipped away (and Mom is getting them developed), but...I think it's going to be really painful to look at them when they're done. I just know I'm going to have an extremely hard time looking at those pictures when they're developed. I've been going through pictures of her that I have on my laptop, but...I can't seem to register that that's all I really have left of her, other than my memories and her collar and a little clip of her hair. I can't accept it at all conceptually.
It hurts so much.
Even though I know we made the right decision, it's hard not to wish she could just be home again wagging her tail and bringing us socks to throw to her and getting so excited when we go see the chickens and all those wonderful things she used to do...
Gah, I just know this is going to get even harder when it actually registers that she's gone, too.
I've been distracting myself in the meantime, and I'm looking for border collie puppies at rescue organizations and such. That's the only thing I can think of that will reassure me even a tiny bit.
Anyway...um, I don't really know how I'm feeling now. I guess this is the denial stage. It's like...I know what happened yesterday, and I know who Lily was and how big a part of my life she was, but I can't seem to connect the two concepts with each other. I keep thinking I'm going to see her sitting in the backseat of the car, or hear her barking along with Tia, or be able to bring her out with me to the chickens. It just feels so empty without her, even though I can't say at this point I completely understand that she's gone.
Every time I think of her last few moments, even though they were peaceful, I can't help but cry and feel sick. I took two pictures of her about a half hour before she slipped away (and Mom is getting them developed), but...I think it's going to be really painful to look at them when they're done. I just know I'm going to have an extremely hard time looking at those pictures when they're developed. I've been going through pictures of her that I have on my laptop, but...I can't seem to register that that's all I really have left of her, other than my memories and her collar and a little clip of her hair. I can't accept it at all conceptually.
It hurts so much.
Even though I know we made the right decision, it's hard not to wish she could just be home again wagging her tail and bringing us socks to throw to her and getting so excited when we go see the chickens and all those wonderful things she used to do...
Gah, I just know this is going to get even harder when it actually registers that she's gone, too.
I've been distracting myself in the meantime, and I'm looking for border collie puppies at rescue organizations and such. That's the only thing I can think of that will reassure me even a tiny bit.
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no subject
Date: 2006-11-17 06:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-17 01:31 pm (UTC)