Life can be so difficult sometimes...
Nov. 14th, 2006 10:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pacificpikachuWell, today we found out that Lily has a mass on her spleen. I don't even know how to say it, but...
We'll probably have to put her down within the next few days.
She's down at Loomis Basin Veterinary Clinic now, being monitored and tested and such. I feel so bad that we had to leave her there overnight. There's a small chance that they can operate on it and that she'll be all right, but if we even have that option, the surgery will be $3000--and even then, there would be no guarantee she'd make it. The mass may be cancerous, and if it is there's a chance the cancer has spread to the rest of her body. No matter how we look at it, her chances of survival are very slim.
I have no idea how to even deal with this. I've been crying for a while, but...it hasn't helped. I'm in extreme denial, no matter how hard I try to imagine life without her. I love that dog so much--I think there are very few (if any) beings in this world I'm less prepared to say goodbye to. I know putting her down will save her so much pain and allow for a peaceful passing, but...it's still so, so difficult for me to even comprehend that I'm going to have to let go of her. I don't even remember what life was like without that dog. I always thought she'd live to be fifteen or sixteen at the youngest, and then would die peacefully of old age. She's only eleven, and other than the small symptoms she's been showing the last month or so, she's been completely fine.
She's still perky and conscious and alive... That's the hardest part. I have no idea how I'll be able to come to terms with it when she goes--and that could be tomorrow.
I'm in such anguish now. I don't know how to write about it, and I'd perhaps prefer not to talk about it right now. I guess I'll just have to deal as humans do--take things as they come. Things happen, and no matter how much we cry and how wounded we are and how much we wish things could be different, we still continue to live. Sometimes it is so painful we have to struggle past even the smallest hurdles (I have no idea how I'll be able to go out to the chicken coop without crying for a long time), but there will still be a time when I can look back on this as something I survived. There will be a time when I can smile instead of cry at all the wonderful memories I've had with this dog.
I just wish I could live a life with her in it always. The world is a more beautiful place to me because she exists. But I guess the only way I can pay her back for all that she's done for me is to ensure that she has a peaceful and painless death.
Sorry to take up your Friends-list, everyone, but I really don't want to put this picture under a cut.
I'm so, so afraid to live in a world without this face.
On a somewhat unrelated note, KK dropped by completely at random today. That made me feel a peculiar sense of things settling back into their places, because I've missed her and I was beginning to believe she had given up on me. We had a good time until I got the call about Lily... Anyway, I hope I'll continue to see her as time goes on.
I'm really having a tough time right now. I may not go to Psychology and English tomorrow (though I'll probably go to Statistics because we have a test on Monday). I don't know, I can't decide.
We'll probably have to put her down within the next few days.
She's down at Loomis Basin Veterinary Clinic now, being monitored and tested and such. I feel so bad that we had to leave her there overnight. There's a small chance that they can operate on it and that she'll be all right, but if we even have that option, the surgery will be $3000--and even then, there would be no guarantee she'd make it. The mass may be cancerous, and if it is there's a chance the cancer has spread to the rest of her body. No matter how we look at it, her chances of survival are very slim.
I have no idea how to even deal with this. I've been crying for a while, but...it hasn't helped. I'm in extreme denial, no matter how hard I try to imagine life without her. I love that dog so much--I think there are very few (if any) beings in this world I'm less prepared to say goodbye to. I know putting her down will save her so much pain and allow for a peaceful passing, but...it's still so, so difficult for me to even comprehend that I'm going to have to let go of her. I don't even remember what life was like without that dog. I always thought she'd live to be fifteen or sixteen at the youngest, and then would die peacefully of old age. She's only eleven, and other than the small symptoms she's been showing the last month or so, she's been completely fine.
She's still perky and conscious and alive... That's the hardest part. I have no idea how I'll be able to come to terms with it when she goes--and that could be tomorrow.
I'm in such anguish now. I don't know how to write about it, and I'd perhaps prefer not to talk about it right now. I guess I'll just have to deal as humans do--take things as they come. Things happen, and no matter how much we cry and how wounded we are and how much we wish things could be different, we still continue to live. Sometimes it is so painful we have to struggle past even the smallest hurdles (I have no idea how I'll be able to go out to the chicken coop without crying for a long time), but there will still be a time when I can look back on this as something I survived. There will be a time when I can smile instead of cry at all the wonderful memories I've had with this dog.
I just wish I could live a life with her in it always. The world is a more beautiful place to me because she exists. But I guess the only way I can pay her back for all that she's done for me is to ensure that she has a peaceful and painless death.
Sorry to take up your Friends-list, everyone, but I really don't want to put this picture under a cut.
I'm so, so afraid to live in a world without this face.
On a somewhat unrelated note, KK dropped by completely at random today. That made me feel a peculiar sense of things settling back into their places, because I've missed her and I was beginning to believe she had given up on me. We had a good time until I got the call about Lily... Anyway, I hope I'll continue to see her as time goes on.
I'm really having a tough time right now. I may not go to Psychology and English tomorrow (though I'll probably go to Statistics because we have a test on Monday). I don't know, I can't decide.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-11-15 04:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-15 07:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-15 08:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-16 02:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-16 05:13 am (UTC)I'm so sorry. I may not have had the same connection to my dog, who died, as you did to Lily, but I understand what it's like, in at least a fraction. I'm so sorry. Be the brave and strong individual I know that you are and you'll pull through, just like you've always done. And soon, you'll remember it all with a twinge of pain, but mostly fondness. You and Lily are in my heart. If you need me, I'm here now.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-16 05:45 am (UTC)Thank you for being there for me, and I probably will need distractions and fun for a while. Part of this will be helped with the fact that we might get a puppy soon, but...really, there's nothing in the entire world that can fill that void that she left. I can't believe she's gone...
no subject
Date: 2006-11-16 05:45 am (UTC)Lilly
Date: 2006-11-16 07:16 pm (UTC)I can't quite say anything to cheer you up. I know that. But I just wanted to extend my heart out ... wait... that doesnt really make sense. Although you don't want or need me to feel for you or lilly, I do. I cant say I share anything with lilly, but I ...
Lilly will be with you forever. The memories of Lilly will fade into an eternal part of your soul. The look in her eyes will be a snapshot a love overflowing forever in your heart. The feel of her fur will be a breeze against your skin. And the smell of her breath... that will never fade from your memory :D. I shouldnt joke, I shouldn't jest. ... I probably shouldn't be doing exactly what you told me not to do...
Yeah...
Just know that I'm here for you when you need me. Thank you for telling me about Lilly's passing. It really means a lot to me. I'll definetely shut up now. I've crossed a line... or six.
love
cody, crosser of lines
no subject
Date: 2006-11-16 09:33 pm (UTC)Lots of love,
-Suzie