The line between light and shadow
Apr. 27th, 2006 01:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pacificpikachuToday was a relatively good day.
First period, I basically read Jessie's Anime Insider magazine (or was it Animerica? Can't remember) and sat around. Listened to music. Talked briefly with Nicole because she happened to swing by the class. Endured Jessie trying to get me to assess the hotness of various J-rockers. Wasn't really interested enough to have any opinions, so I mostly just shrugged. Jasmine continued her cute and amusing Zoloft blob series of paintings.
We watched the rest of the documentary on 9/11 in Government, and then proceeded to have a rather in-depth and highly engaging conversation about it. Now I'm finding some debunking sites about this documentary, so I really have no idea what side to take, but it's really interesting to think about it nonetheless. Even if it is all a hoax (which...I really don't know how I feel), it certainly brings up some good questions and speculations.
During lunch, many of my friends and I sat around in the art room and talked and worked on various projects. Nicole was in the art room working on her Song of Myself, which is turning out really cool so far. ^^ I hope she and I get to hang out today... I really want to reconnect with her and I know this won't happen until we get to have a nice big conversation. Zoe was working on this poster about the right to petition and the 1st Amendment, and it was amusing because she had a fake petition on it that had the "signatures" of anime characters, seiyuu, mangaka, religious figures, and other random people. XD;
English was interesting, and again I had to supress my urge to bring Fullmetal Alchemist into the Frankenstein conversation. Because, y'know, it's so relevant (no sarcasm there, either) but bringing it up would just sound stupid and probably cause several of my classmates to facepalm. There are too many parallels in theme and story and ideas to even name, though, and I think if they were all familiar with Fullmetal Alchemist it would have made an awesome discussion. Hey, Sean brought up Frankenweenie, which is much less...uh...credible than Fullmetal Alchemist! Haha, I loved Frankenweenie when I was little, though. That, however, is not my point. >.>
Because I have no seventh period and therefore that marked the end of my school day, I walked friends to class and then waited outside in the nice cheerful sunshine for Mom to pick me up and bring me to Dad's, where I am now. While sitting there, I got to thinking. And that's rarely a good thing with me. XD;;
I realize me going over and over and over this whole thing is getting redundant, but I need to get it out of my system. Writing it in here just happens to feel like one of the more productive things I can do, as putting my feelings into words solidifies them, to an extent, which gives me a better reference point to work with.
You know, even if I'm just pushing all my issues under the carpet, even if I'm not actively dealing with them like maybe I should, lately I've felt a little better. I've been distracted, I've been busy, I've been a little lonely but not overwhelmingly so, and I've pushed it out of my mind to the best of my ability. This is not to say I don't still think about it--and constantly, at that, as it is something I have trouble NOT thinking about every four seconds--but I don't dwell on it as much as I did. And so, I've felt better.
Well, at least when I'm not reminded of it. When I don't have to deal with it, when I disconnect myself from it, I can be an indepedent, relatively happy, okay, optimistic person. When there are few reminders, I can look around and go "Wow, isn't this world beautiful? It's so wonderful, and I'm free, and I can make my own choices about things--and I can get over this!"
The problem with this? The second there is a reminder of some sort, even if it's quite literally something like seeing them anywhere near each other at all (like...in the same room not near each other, even), I go right back into feeling broken, awful, betrayed, and like I've wasted the last two or three years of my life. Even happy memory I have with both of them is just a little tainted, every reminder of them even as individuals is a little painful for me.
I don't want to give them up as friends, as I love them both deeply, but the fact stands--every time I'm around them, I can't help but be pulled into this vortex of emotion where I feel hopeless. And that is NOT a good feeling by any stretch of the imagination. When I'm not around them? I might be slightly lonely, but I'm okay. So, I could basically be an emotional wreck and continue spending lots of time with them; or I can spend very little time with them and be all right, but at the sacrifice of my connections to them weakening. And...not so long ago, these were two of my absolute favorite people in the world. Two of three of my favorite people in the whole world, probably. I wish I could have a middleground where I've totally accepted and come to terms with what they have and can continue to spend lots of time with them, but I know I'm not ready for that and I don't know if I will be for a long time, at least, if ever. I suppose I need to talk to both of them about it at length (separately, at least), but I don't think that'll help me when I'm actually with both of them.
I guess it's just this simple: I wish with all my might that I never had to give him up, but no matter how hard I wish nothing will come of it. I have to let go of these dreams that have become such a large part of my reality, and now that I've woken up, everything is such a nightmare.
So... I had more to say, but I've forgotten most of it now and I don't feel like writing much more. Most of the time I'm really okay, but I have pretty violent mood swings still about this. It...feels like my life is a long series of pleasant dreams and difficult awakenings.
First period, I basically read Jessie's Anime Insider magazine (or was it Animerica? Can't remember) and sat around. Listened to music. Talked briefly with Nicole because she happened to swing by the class. Endured Jessie trying to get me to assess the hotness of various J-rockers. Wasn't really interested enough to have any opinions, so I mostly just shrugged. Jasmine continued her cute and amusing Zoloft blob series of paintings.
We watched the rest of the documentary on 9/11 in Government, and then proceeded to have a rather in-depth and highly engaging conversation about it. Now I'm finding some debunking sites about this documentary, so I really have no idea what side to take, but it's really interesting to think about it nonetheless. Even if it is all a hoax (which...I really don't know how I feel), it certainly brings up some good questions and speculations.
During lunch, many of my friends and I sat around in the art room and talked and worked on various projects. Nicole was in the art room working on her Song of Myself, which is turning out really cool so far. ^^ I hope she and I get to hang out today... I really want to reconnect with her and I know this won't happen until we get to have a nice big conversation. Zoe was working on this poster about the right to petition and the 1st Amendment, and it was amusing because she had a fake petition on it that had the "signatures" of anime characters, seiyuu, mangaka, religious figures, and other random people. XD;
English was interesting, and again I had to supress my urge to bring Fullmetal Alchemist into the Frankenstein conversation. Because, y'know, it's so relevant (no sarcasm there, either) but bringing it up would just sound stupid and probably cause several of my classmates to facepalm. There are too many parallels in theme and story and ideas to even name, though, and I think if they were all familiar with Fullmetal Alchemist it would have made an awesome discussion. Hey, Sean brought up Frankenweenie, which is much less...uh...credible than Fullmetal Alchemist! Haha, I loved Frankenweenie when I was little, though. That, however, is not my point. >.>
Because I have no seventh period and therefore that marked the end of my school day, I walked friends to class and then waited outside in the nice cheerful sunshine for Mom to pick me up and bring me to Dad's, where I am now. While sitting there, I got to thinking. And that's rarely a good thing with me. XD;;
I realize me going over and over and over this whole thing is getting redundant, but I need to get it out of my system. Writing it in here just happens to feel like one of the more productive things I can do, as putting my feelings into words solidifies them, to an extent, which gives me a better reference point to work with.
You know, even if I'm just pushing all my issues under the carpet, even if I'm not actively dealing with them like maybe I should, lately I've felt a little better. I've been distracted, I've been busy, I've been a little lonely but not overwhelmingly so, and I've pushed it out of my mind to the best of my ability. This is not to say I don't still think about it--and constantly, at that, as it is something I have trouble NOT thinking about every four seconds--but I don't dwell on it as much as I did. And so, I've felt better.
Well, at least when I'm not reminded of it. When I don't have to deal with it, when I disconnect myself from it, I can be an indepedent, relatively happy, okay, optimistic person. When there are few reminders, I can look around and go "Wow, isn't this world beautiful? It's so wonderful, and I'm free, and I can make my own choices about things--and I can get over this!"
The problem with this? The second there is a reminder of some sort, even if it's quite literally something like seeing them anywhere near each other at all (like...in the same room not near each other, even), I go right back into feeling broken, awful, betrayed, and like I've wasted the last two or three years of my life. Even happy memory I have with both of them is just a little tainted, every reminder of them even as individuals is a little painful for me.
I don't want to give them up as friends, as I love them both deeply, but the fact stands--every time I'm around them, I can't help but be pulled into this vortex of emotion where I feel hopeless. And that is NOT a good feeling by any stretch of the imagination. When I'm not around them? I might be slightly lonely, but I'm okay. So, I could basically be an emotional wreck and continue spending lots of time with them; or I can spend very little time with them and be all right, but at the sacrifice of my connections to them weakening. And...not so long ago, these were two of my absolute favorite people in the world. Two of three of my favorite people in the whole world, probably. I wish I could have a middleground where I've totally accepted and come to terms with what they have and can continue to spend lots of time with them, but I know I'm not ready for that and I don't know if I will be for a long time, at least, if ever. I suppose I need to talk to both of them about it at length (separately, at least), but I don't think that'll help me when I'm actually with both of them.
I guess it's just this simple: I wish with all my might that I never had to give him up, but no matter how hard I wish nothing will come of it. I have to let go of these dreams that have become such a large part of my reality, and now that I've woken up, everything is such a nightmare.
So... I had more to say, but I've forgotten most of it now and I don't feel like writing much more. Most of the time I'm really okay, but I have pretty violent mood swings still about this. It...feels like my life is a long series of pleasant dreams and difficult awakenings.
