How does one react to heartbreak?

[pacificpikachu]

Downloaded the Monster anime. I'm loving the three episodes I saw--it seems to be going exactly as the manga went, voice acting is good, animation is nice (and very Urasawa-esque, which is definitely good). I even got my brother into it! XD;; He likes it because it has doctors and mystery and guns. Hahaha.

Well...today KK and I finally had our big talk we've been needing to have, regarding exactly what's been going on over the past few months. We actually didn't think we'd have the time to talk about everything, but...well, we pretty much did. And...

I'm not sure how to feel.

I'm relieved that I know the whole story, and that...it can't get too much worse for me from here. At least...I don't think it can. I don't know--I suppose it could. Within reason, though, it probably won't.

I'm horrified that all my worst fears were confirmed. Just short of people dying or contracting fatal illnesses or whatever...the situation regarding this whole thing couldn't be too much worse than it is.

I'm not reeling as much as I could have, knowing what I know...but that's only because I prepared myself for the worst. I braced myself for the worst, but I was hoping for the best. But no--it was as bad as I as I was hoping it wouldn't be. ._.;

I'm completely heartbroken. Completely...lost, I guess you could say. I know that this will scar me for the rest of my life. I know that, despite that I may move on to a degree, some part of me will always, always love him, and never want to give up on him.

I...don't know what to say. As of right now, I'm not feeling depressed or anything--I'm simply resuming life as I've lived it for quite a while now, but... I know there's some part of me, somewhere, that's crying its eyes out and that wonders how this could have ever happened. I know there's some part of me that's wondering how in the hell I can be expected to cope with this. There's some part of me that wishes I could go back and change things--or that...god, I just wish none of this had happened. I wish I could have prevented it...somehow...or fixed it, or... I don't even know how to react.

Acceptance is going to be beyond hard. I know I'm going to have my days where I wish I was dead sooner than deal with everything, and I know I'm going to have my days where I distance myself from the whole thing. I know that I can't stop the pain--it's inevitable. I don't even want to be optimistic at the moment... I don't want to move on. I just want the whole situation to go away. I know it's not going to, though.

I...just don't know what I can say anymore. I'm not capable of expressing it in words. I...doubt anyone could. I wish I could cry, but I can't. I wish I could just be like any other person and just cry for a week or whatever and just get over it...but I can't. I...love him so much despite everything, and I can't see that changing any time soon. Or...even ever. Maybe someday I'll accept it to a point where it's an invisible wound, but it'll never go away.

...I wish I knew how to react. I... *Sigh* I don't even know what to do, or what to feel, or how to go about living again. Some part of me has died, in a sense. I wish this was easier...

Comments

[lemaster-69.livejournal.com]

The thing about love is that there's always enough to go around and that love isn't static. It can grow and expand or it can wither and die. And sometimes after having your heart broken you think you can't--or won't--ever do that again. But you do. Because when it's good, it's wonderful.

And sometimes after you've had your heart broken, after a long time, you don't remember (or you choose to forget) all the bad things associated with that person. You know they happened; they're in your memory. But you think more about the good times and about how wonderful it felt to be with that person.

You can't 'get over it.' Not immediately, anyway, and sometimes not ever. But the fact that you can think objectively about a matter so close to your heart and so emotionally charged, and come to reasonable conclusions about the matter, makes me think that you'll be all right.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot, Barb. Again I say it's always good to hear from someone who has more experience at life in general than I do, and who has already been through a lot. I really value your advice.

This...is a pretty complicated situation (both in actual fact and emotionally, and all the implications and motivations behind everything), so it's hard to say exactly what I can do but try my best to accept it.

And maybe I will move on someday. Maybe I will. But then again...the hardest part about this whole thing was that I've spent most of my life with the goal of never falling in love (and I was very serious about that goal, and still am). He was simply the exception to this rule--the one person I was willing to break it for. It was a fluke that I fell in love with him like I did (and--knowing it wasn't reciprocated in quite the same way--that I continued to pursue it), and it was all a fluke that he fell in love with my best friend. But...they've been the hardest couple of flukes in my life.

Again, thanks for your advice. You're a wonderful person. *Hugs* I hope all is going well for you.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_tehriah/]

*hugs*

You know, I actually know exactly how you feel. I went through the same thing a few years ago--twice. It was horrible. >.<

But you really do get over it, and it really isn't that hard. I swear. I felt as lost and alone as you do, but you do move on--you don't even have to try, really. I know you can't see that yet and I don't expect you to, but looking back on this in a few years I swear you'll understand what I mean.

The first is always the absolute worstest. If you wanna talk, you know I'm always here. Internet buddies are great in that you can confide anything in them and they won't judge you. :P But I swear I've been through what you're going through now, and if you want a virtual ear, well I'd be happy to loan you one. ^^

*hugs again*

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the eHugs and sympathy--it's helpful. Augh, yeah--this whole situation is terrible. The thing is, it's...a pretty complex situation, when you factor in the psychological things I didn't even realize I had, and a bunch of other complications... Nevertheless, it's nice to hear people move on, and maybe--someday--I'll move on, too. Like I said, though...it's not exactly the typical situation when you take into account the way I went about doing things psychologically. @_@ Maybe I'll explain sometime...

You know, I might take you up on that virtual ear offer sometime. :P So if you get an uber-long, angsty e-mail...haha, don't be suprised. I feel lucky that I have so many friends who are willing to listen and help. That's a comfort, even if it doesn't alleviate the situation iself. You know you're always, always welcome to e-mail if you have any rants/sorrows/whatever you need to get out, too--this isn't a one-sided thing.

Anyway, thanks a lot. *Hugs* You're very sweet.

[kasumichan2003.livejournal.com]

Someday, I'm sure you'll be able to say you have moved on. I can't say I have been in the same situation as yours, but I've had my heart broken a few times now and I always move on. Sooner or later you'll be fine. *huggles*

[lemaster-69.livejournal.com]

From what my married friends tell me, falling in love is a fluke. They all swear, "I wasn't looking for anyone, and he [or she] just appeared, like magic!"

Something similar happened to me when I was 19. I had a good friend, Tom. We joked around together, did things together and I started to "like" like him. However, I had a party and invited my other good friend Debbie. They hit it off really well and started dating. Debbie was nervous about telling me, but she and I took a long walk together and I told her I was happy for her and Tom (and, in reality, I was).

She asked me to be a bridesmaid when she and Tom got married a few months later. I'd really struggled with jealousy over that time and had more than a few nights of wallowing in self-pity ["Everyone has a boyfriend but me! Woe!"]. Like you, I tried to look at the situation objectively. Debbie was more suited to Tom than I was, as hard as that was to admit.

I had fun at the wedding, since it was my first time as a bridesmaid. I got to dance with a couple of other guys and before long, the jealous feeling I had sort of went away. I tried to find other things to occupy my mind and my time (like getting a job), and eventually I did fall in love with someone else.

*hugs back* It's not a pleasant situation by any means, but you'll get through it.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks for sharing your story. It really does make me feel a little better.

Yeah...I've been best, *best* friends with this boy (and the constant companion of him, too--we've traveled together, and we'd barely be away from each other at all) for at least four years. I've been madly in love with him for, at the very least, two years, so it's a hard thing to try to get these feelings (which have become such a part of the way I live and the way I think) to even slightly dissolve. That and the fact that he and KK just...totally unexpectedly, even to them, fell for each other... Ack. It was bad timing for my emotional state regarding the whole thing, too. And both of them know full well how in love with him I am, so that made it even harder.

Anyway, it's good your situation turned out well, even if it took some time, and I'm hoping I'll be okay...eventually...too. Thank you for sharing the advice. :)

[hitchi.livejournal.com]

Kristin...you did such a good job of hiding it, at least from the limited perspective that I had. I know it hurts so, so much more when it's someone who is just human like everyone else, but such a good and deserving human. I'm not sure if I can promise that everything will be okay, but I wish that I could.

There are some things you say in particular (I know there's some part of me, somewhere, that's crying its eyes out and that wonders how this could have ever happened. I know there's some part of me that's wondering how in the hell I can be expected to cope with this. There's some part of me that wishes I could go back and change things--or that...god, I just wish none of this had happened. I wish I could have prevented it...somehow...or fixed it, or... and I don't even want to be optimistic at the moment... I don't want to move on.), they strike me, remind me of how I felt (and still feel) about a completely different situation of mine. ._. But because I can relate so much to your words, I will tell you how it all still effects me, in hopes that it will help you.

Like you, I know that I will never, ever get over what happened as long as I exist. When I first realized how I felt about it, I just tried to evade it, but even as I did, I knew it would not go away. I was eventually forced to face it, and it was so painful, but I had to endure it. And now, whenever someone mentions it, I get upset, at least on the inside...and there are times when I just can't get it out of mind. But ordinarily, I am occupied with other things, and I've learned not to dwell on it. I am by no means over it, and I do not have any faith that I can one day cope with it.

Like I said, our situations are completely different, but maybe there are some connections. Remember, thingd can change. They may not always be like this. Therefore, please do not give up hope.

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Thank you so much, Hitchi. It's really nice knowing that you understand--at least in some aspects--what I've been going through. Like I've said before, no matter how much your self-confidence suffers from your own perspective, you're an absolutely wonderful friend and person from my perspective.

I won't give up hope, don't worry. :) I imagine I'll be on emotional rollercoaster mode for quite a while now, but I'm by no means giving up. I don't know how to give up--that, in fact, is part of my problem. I'm bad at giving things up. ^^;

I'm going to *try* to remember to call you tomorrow. I was going to yesterday (I really was), but we got our DSL installed and then my aunt was visiting. So...no time. >.>

[hitchi.livejournal.com]

Mmm...it's okay. If I don't answer my cell, then it's probably in my room or something, so just call my house. I'll try to answer so that you don't have to talk to my parents. ^^;

[pacificpikachu.livejournal.com]

Okay. ^^;;