![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pacificpikachuWell, unexpectedly, today turned out being a good day. It shouldn't have been a good day by all counts (ahaha--Hakushaku! Okay, I'll shut up now), but it somehow managed to be one.
Like I said, I woke up and was exhausted this morning due to lack of sleep. -_-; I went to school, sat in the middle office for a while listening to Cody and Kirstin talking about the trip, talked to Nicole for a little while about random stuff, and headed off to class.
During first period, I...didn't do much. Listened to Ayumi Hamasaki for most of the period, just for the heck of it, and talked to Jessie a little. She continues to bother me slightly, even if I do believe her to be an overall good person. :P Apparently, she only listens to J-rock bands with male vocalists, because she "thinks male voices are sexy/doesn't care about female voices". Is it just me, or is that being a tad...narrow-minded? I doubt there's a single anime she'd like if it didn't have bishounen in it. I mean, I love my bishounen like any female anime fan does, but...this strikes me as missing the point and being excessive. Anyway, then I delivered stuff to the attendance office, as usual. Meh.
Second period, we signed up for this Supreme Court simulation. I signed up to be one of the judges on a case regarding the separation of church and state, so this should be right up my alley. >D I'll also be working together with another really nice girl in the class, so hopefully this will all go very smoothly.
Third period...uh...I ran a lot. x.x I was kind of proud of myself, though, just because I wasn't even trying that hard and I still beat out every other girl in the class and most of the guys on both runs we did. Not that it matters, but I'm just egotistical and like it when I win stupid things that don't matter. Then we...er...played basketball the rest of the period. Not very eventful.
Lunch, it was nice to have Zoe and Shannon both back to talk to. ^_^ I don't remember what we talked about, other than Rosie and I discussing briefly that we were both having a good day despite good reasons not to, and that Rosie has a German exchange student (which is awesome). Oh, and I think there was a fair amount of me shouting about the canon-ness of Franz/Albert, which Zoe of course had to question. I'm not just a shounen-ai fangirl who's seeing things, I swear! Oh, and GW and I discussed the end of Wolf's Rain in very vague terms as to not spoil everyone. XD;; He's two episodes from the end.
There was a really cool presentation in Art by an alumni named Glenn Hernandez (who is studying to be an animator and is anti-Disney--yay!). His art was extremely cool--I really enjoyed the presentation. I was especially fascinated by these quetzal people for this one story he was trying to work out. From what I could tell, the story involves half-bird half-human gods, human sacrifices, and other coolness. Right up my alley, it seems. Also, I was flipping through his sketchbook, and he wrote on one page "*Dream Project: Making a live-action adaptation of Katsuhiro Otomo's manga Akira." That got him big points in my book. :D
English...eh, apparently I didn't do my documentation correctly in my Senior Project paper. Oops. It's partly because my sources are so weird, and also partly because I couldn't find sources for most of the things I wanted to say, so I just said them anyway. So...need to fix that to the best of my ability. Oh well. We talked briefly about Great Expectations, which, despite that the book is terribly intriguing, was not too enlightening of a conversation. :p
Sat around and read Great Expectations in Anatomy. Helped Doc copy stuff. Felt useful as a result, and maybe even a little redeemed. I hope he's not holding on to old prejudices about me... I'm not a bad person, I swear! He's always friendly and nice towards me, so I think he's forgiven me.
Didn't do a lot when I got home. Mostly sat around and read Great Expectations (hmmm...maybe I like the book, just a little?) and took a shower. KK and I talked a little on the phone about stuff, but unfortunately, for whatever reason, I'm virtually incapable of talking about difficult things over the phone, so I didn't say as much as I might have wished to. We're...hopefully going to work stuff out, although I think at this point it's more my problem than anyone else's. At least our friendship is unscathed and will continue to be so, despite how hard this has been.
I'm...starting to think I should just concede defeat, at least for now. I don't think I can let go of everything, but... I know I'll be unhappy and extremely emotional for what could be extremely long amounts of time if I don't let go of most of it. See, that's the hard part--letting go. If I'm able to do that, I think I can be happy. It's just...so hard, when you've had all these ideals and this beautiful, Paradise-like idea in your head for painful years, and yet...no matter how hard you wish, no matter how hard you work towards it, no matter how emotionally involved you become--in the end, you have to watch someone else get that thing you wanted more than life itself. Did they work as hard as you for that? Did they need it as much as you did? No. They get it anyway, though, just because...I guess that's how life is sometimes. And...there's nothing I can do to change it. I can't just stand in the way of it, as that wouldn't solve anything and would cause pain on everyone's part. And I'm beginning to realize--even if they did break it off right now, that still wouldn't mean I'd get what I want. The world just doesn't work that way.
So, I'm starting to attempt to set my mind in that direction. At this point, I don't know what's going to become of it, and who knows how hard I'm going to struggle to just accept it and move on. But...if that's what I must do, then I suppose I must continue to live in whatever way I can, and I must try to be happy, even if I didn't get what I fought so hard to protect.
I'm starting to think back to my old ideals I used to have and the old beliefs that reigned over my life for so long, and I can't help but wonder if this was some sort of test--something I have to overcome. And when I think of it like that, it's maybe the tiniest bit less painful.
This is going to be so, so hard, and involve the deepest sort of acceptance--but is there any other solution? Is there any other way I'm not seeing that I can deal with this? I'm...not sure there is. So, wish me luck. Part of me wants to hang on forever--and I think a small part of me will, no matter what happens--but another part of myself just wants me to be able to live. After all, that's what we were born for, wasn't it?
Like I said, I woke up and was exhausted this morning due to lack of sleep. -_-; I went to school, sat in the middle office for a while listening to Cody and Kirstin talking about the trip, talked to Nicole for a little while about random stuff, and headed off to class.
During first period, I...didn't do much. Listened to Ayumi Hamasaki for most of the period, just for the heck of it, and talked to Jessie a little. She continues to bother me slightly, even if I do believe her to be an overall good person. :P Apparently, she only listens to J-rock bands with male vocalists, because she "thinks male voices are sexy/doesn't care about female voices". Is it just me, or is that being a tad...narrow-minded? I doubt there's a single anime she'd like if it didn't have bishounen in it. I mean, I love my bishounen like any female anime fan does, but...this strikes me as missing the point and being excessive. Anyway, then I delivered stuff to the attendance office, as usual. Meh.
Second period, we signed up for this Supreme Court simulation. I signed up to be one of the judges on a case regarding the separation of church and state, so this should be right up my alley. >D I'll also be working together with another really nice girl in the class, so hopefully this will all go very smoothly.
Third period...uh...I ran a lot. x.x I was kind of proud of myself, though, just because I wasn't even trying that hard and I still beat out every other girl in the class and most of the guys on both runs we did. Not that it matters, but I'm just egotistical and like it when I win stupid things that don't matter. Then we...er...played basketball the rest of the period. Not very eventful.
Lunch, it was nice to have Zoe and Shannon both back to talk to. ^_^ I don't remember what we talked about, other than Rosie and I discussing briefly that we were both having a good day despite good reasons not to, and that Rosie has a German exchange student (which is awesome). Oh, and I think there was a fair amount of me shouting about the canon-ness of Franz/Albert, which Zoe of course had to question. I'm not just a shounen-ai fangirl who's seeing things, I swear! Oh, and GW and I discussed the end of Wolf's Rain in very vague terms as to not spoil everyone. XD;; He's two episodes from the end.
There was a really cool presentation in Art by an alumni named Glenn Hernandez (who is studying to be an animator and is anti-Disney--yay!). His art was extremely cool--I really enjoyed the presentation. I was especially fascinated by these quetzal people for this one story he was trying to work out. From what I could tell, the story involves half-bird half-human gods, human sacrifices, and other coolness. Right up my alley, it seems. Also, I was flipping through his sketchbook, and he wrote on one page "*Dream Project: Making a live-action adaptation of Katsuhiro Otomo's manga Akira." That got him big points in my book. :D
English...eh, apparently I didn't do my documentation correctly in my Senior Project paper. Oops. It's partly because my sources are so weird, and also partly because I couldn't find sources for most of the things I wanted to say, so I just said them anyway. So...need to fix that to the best of my ability. Oh well. We talked briefly about Great Expectations, which, despite that the book is terribly intriguing, was not too enlightening of a conversation. :p
Sat around and read Great Expectations in Anatomy. Helped Doc copy stuff. Felt useful as a result, and maybe even a little redeemed. I hope he's not holding on to old prejudices about me... I'm not a bad person, I swear! He's always friendly and nice towards me, so I think he's forgiven me.
Didn't do a lot when I got home. Mostly sat around and read Great Expectations (hmmm...maybe I like the book, just a little?) and took a shower. KK and I talked a little on the phone about stuff, but unfortunately, for whatever reason, I'm virtually incapable of talking about difficult things over the phone, so I didn't say as much as I might have wished to. We're...hopefully going to work stuff out, although I think at this point it's more my problem than anyone else's. At least our friendship is unscathed and will continue to be so, despite how hard this has been.
I'm...starting to think I should just concede defeat, at least for now. I don't think I can let go of everything, but... I know I'll be unhappy and extremely emotional for what could be extremely long amounts of time if I don't let go of most of it. See, that's the hard part--letting go. If I'm able to do that, I think I can be happy. It's just...so hard, when you've had all these ideals and this beautiful, Paradise-like idea in your head for painful years, and yet...no matter how hard you wish, no matter how hard you work towards it, no matter how emotionally involved you become--in the end, you have to watch someone else get that thing you wanted more than life itself. Did they work as hard as you for that? Did they need it as much as you did? No. They get it anyway, though, just because...I guess that's how life is sometimes. And...there's nothing I can do to change it. I can't just stand in the way of it, as that wouldn't solve anything and would cause pain on everyone's part. And I'm beginning to realize--even if they did break it off right now, that still wouldn't mean I'd get what I want. The world just doesn't work that way.
So, I'm starting to attempt to set my mind in that direction. At this point, I don't know what's going to become of it, and who knows how hard I'm going to struggle to just accept it and move on. But...if that's what I must do, then I suppose I must continue to live in whatever way I can, and I must try to be happy, even if I didn't get what I fought so hard to protect.
I'm starting to think back to my old ideals I used to have and the old beliefs that reigned over my life for so long, and I can't help but wonder if this was some sort of test--something I have to overcome. And when I think of it like that, it's maybe the tiniest bit less painful.
This is going to be so, so hard, and involve the deepest sort of acceptance--but is there any other solution? Is there any other way I'm not seeing that I can deal with this? I'm...not sure there is. So, wish me luck. Part of me wants to hang on forever--and I think a small part of me will, no matter what happens--but another part of myself just wants me to be able to live. After all, that's what we were born for, wasn't it?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-03-29 04:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-29 05:59 am (UTC)