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Mar. 11th, 2009 01:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pacificpikachuBasically, I want to drop Chemistry. Again. I really, really do. I just...can't do this. Not now. It's not the material, really, it's the fact that I absolutely cannot seem to muster the energy to put work into it. Again I wonder if I'm depressed, but I can't seem to decide if I am because it seems to be rather selective. It mostly just crops up if I'm getting too much or too little sleep, or if I'm stressed over Chemistry. If I'm just hanging around doing nothing? Things are pretty okay. Sure, I don't have much energy, but I've never had that much energy. And I think the lack of energy is more due to my screwed up sleeping habits than anything else.
I'm four labs behind and I'm not sure what to do on any of them. When I try to figure out what I'm supposed to do, it's like I get overwhelmed by trying to organize and understand what I'm calculating and why, and it doesn't help that the labs aren't exactly clear in what they're trying to convey. There's another test coming up next Wednesday, so that means I have to get at least ten or twelve hours worth of homework done over the weekend, not including labs. I teeter between feeling like I can just stick it out and things will somehow be okay, and realizing the reality that the class is half over and I'm failing it, and yet I STILL can't manage to work. I'm mostly okay with the lecture material (until there's a test on it, hahaha), but then I lag in the labs.
I feel like, what I really, really need to do is just take a break from school for a semester or two for my mental health, and just take some time off to get my life together. The problem is our insurance. My parents can't afford $400 a month to pay for my health insurance (which I need, because I do have medical problems) if I'm not in school, and so they insist if I'm taking a break from school I have to get a full time job and pay the $400 a month for my insurance. Not to sound childish, but I've never had a real job at all--I don't think I'd be able to handle a full-time job at this point in my life either, and especially not if the money from working would just go toward insurance.
Every time I even bring up dropping Chemistry, my parents FREAK OUT and yell at me and make me feel even worse about the whole thing, but I just...can't handle it right now. My mom keeps saying she doesn't think I'm cut out to be a vet because I've had to drop Chemistry so many times now (never mind that the other two times I had AWFUL teachers and severe medical problems), which I don't think is true at all--I think I just need a break to get my focus and energy back because I'm burnt out. Deal with my depression if that is the root of the problem. I feel like I still want to and perhaps even need to be a vet, but I just need to take a breather to get myself back in the right mindset and get any mitigating factors out of my life so I can really just focus on academic goals.
I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated, and I can't make up my mind on anything. Every time I try to work on Chemistry I either goof off until it's really late at night, I get distracted a few minutes into it, or I fall asleep. I've always been an A student, and that just makes everything even worse because everyone expects me to have a great work ethic like I've always had.
Maybe I am just depressed. But all I feel like is I just need a break, and I don't know if there's any way that can happen. ;;
Thank you so much to everyone who has offered encouragement or perspective in the past--I really appreciate it more than I can say. ♥
I wish I could just watch anime and work on cosplay and take Pokémon collection pictures and get adequate amounts of sleep every night and draw and write and sculpt and post about fun/interesting things and SPEND TIME WITH REAL PEOPLE and play with my pets and go out for walks in pretty places and go birdwatching, but I feel guilty doing all of the above because I should be doing Chemistry at pretty much all times. So then I just sit around on my computer procrastinating and doing nothing in particular and accomplishing nothing.
For the record, I am not normally this much of an angstbucket at all. :( Sorry everyone!
I'm four labs behind and I'm not sure what to do on any of them. When I try to figure out what I'm supposed to do, it's like I get overwhelmed by trying to organize and understand what I'm calculating and why, and it doesn't help that the labs aren't exactly clear in what they're trying to convey. There's another test coming up next Wednesday, so that means I have to get at least ten or twelve hours worth of homework done over the weekend, not including labs. I teeter between feeling like I can just stick it out and things will somehow be okay, and realizing the reality that the class is half over and I'm failing it, and yet I STILL can't manage to work. I'm mostly okay with the lecture material (until there's a test on it, hahaha), but then I lag in the labs.
I feel like, what I really, really need to do is just take a break from school for a semester or two for my mental health, and just take some time off to get my life together. The problem is our insurance. My parents can't afford $400 a month to pay for my health insurance (which I need, because I do have medical problems) if I'm not in school, and so they insist if I'm taking a break from school I have to get a full time job and pay the $400 a month for my insurance. Not to sound childish, but I've never had a real job at all--I don't think I'd be able to handle a full-time job at this point in my life either, and especially not if the money from working would just go toward insurance.
Every time I even bring up dropping Chemistry, my parents FREAK OUT and yell at me and make me feel even worse about the whole thing, but I just...can't handle it right now. My mom keeps saying she doesn't think I'm cut out to be a vet because I've had to drop Chemistry so many times now (never mind that the other two times I had AWFUL teachers and severe medical problems), which I don't think is true at all--I think I just need a break to get my focus and energy back because I'm burnt out. Deal with my depression if that is the root of the problem. I feel like I still want to and perhaps even need to be a vet, but I just need to take a breather to get myself back in the right mindset and get any mitigating factors out of my life so I can really just focus on academic goals.
I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated, and I can't make up my mind on anything. Every time I try to work on Chemistry I either goof off until it's really late at night, I get distracted a few minutes into it, or I fall asleep. I've always been an A student, and that just makes everything even worse because everyone expects me to have a great work ethic like I've always had.
Maybe I am just depressed. But all I feel like is I just need a break, and I don't know if there's any way that can happen. ;;
Thank you so much to everyone who has offered encouragement or perspective in the past--I really appreciate it more than I can say. ♥
I wish I could just watch anime and work on cosplay and take Pokémon collection pictures and get adequate amounts of sleep every night and draw and write and sculpt and post about fun/interesting things and SPEND TIME WITH REAL PEOPLE and play with my pets and go out for walks in pretty places and go birdwatching, but I feel guilty doing all of the above because I should be doing Chemistry at pretty much all times. So then I just sit around on my computer procrastinating and doing nothing in particular and accomplishing nothing.
For the record, I am not normally this much of an angstbucket at all. :( Sorry everyone!
