(no subject)

I think Tosca might be gone for good. I'm not ready to face this yet, not at all, so for now I'm just distracting myself, and not allowing myself to think about it. I know that once I let go of this barrier, my heart is going to break, and I just don't know how I'm going to handle it. It's been forty-eight hours.

I woke up last night at 4:41 AM from a dead sleep. I almost never wake up like that, once I'm asleep nothing wakes me up. Everything was silent. I was shaking from an ominous feeling I had. Suddenly, it was like I knew what happened--that a bobcat came, and took Tosca and Swordfish and Molly. All the clumps of feathers, it seems like a bobcat kill to me. Of course, I don't know if that's true, but I feel like that's what happened.

I can't cope with it yet, though. I just... I love Tosca so much, and the thought of her being gone for good... I can't handle it right now. I already lost my beloved Swordfish and Molly. It'll hit me at some point if she doesn't come back, but it hurts so much to even consider it, fleetingly, on a shallow level.

I tried so hard to keep her as an indoor cat because of the sad memories of losing Cleo, my tortoiseshell kitty, to a car when she was only a year old. In the end, Tosca made her own choice to let herself out. She always let herself out.

(no subject)

I think Tosca might be gone for good. I'm not ready to face this yet, not at all, so for now I'm just distracting myself, and not allowing myself to think about it. I know that once I let go of this barrier, my heart is going to break, and I just don't know how I'm going to handle it. It's been forty-eight hours.

I woke up last night at 4:41 AM from a dead sleep. I almost never wake up like that, once I'm asleep nothing wakes me up. Everything was silent. I was shaking from an ominous feeling I had. Suddenly, it was like I knew what happened--that a bobcat came, and took Tosca and Swordfish and Molly. All the clumps of feathers, it seems like a bobcat kill to me. Of course, I don't know if that's true, but I feel like that's what happened.

I can't cope with it yet, though. I just... I love Tosca so much, and the thought of her being gone for good... I can't handle it right now. I already lost my beloved Swordfish and Molly. It'll hit me at some point if she doesn't come back, but it hurts so much to even consider it, fleetingly, on a shallow level.

I tried so hard to keep her as an indoor cat because of the sad memories of losing Cleo, my tortoiseshell kitty, to a car when she was only a year old. In the end, Tosca made her own choice to let herself out. She always let herself out.