(no subject)

I'm having a rough day. ;____; First my alarm didn't go off so I got to work an hour late (this wasn't a problem as far as with my work, but I felt bad about it). I had been dreaming that my mother, who was not my real life mother but someone else, was screaming at me and badly berating me, and this made me wake up feeling strange already. I was also off of my medication for longer than usual because I forgot to fill my prescription, so that does not bode well for my emotional state or energy levels or brain. Of course, the earthquake and tsunamis in Japan are very upsetting as well. I've just felt a sense of foreboding all day.

Work was great. I got to have a delicious lunch with my co-workers while we talked about animal issues. This made me feel conflicted about breeding seramas like I do, something I have felt conflicted about before (might post about this later in more detail), but after more thought I think I mostly came to terms with that. Anyway, I got things done and work was good. I really love where I work and the people I work with.

I went over to dad's to show him my computer and get some help fixing it, and he completely blew up at me and I completely blew up too and was screaming and crying. I ended up crying for at least a half-hour. Partly just because it was upsetting, and partially I think because the lack of medication screwed with my brain and emotions. As he always does after he gets pissed off, after a half-hour or so he calmed down. Still was not a good way for things to go...

Anyway, he helped me try to fix my laptop and determined it's likely a blown fuse inside the computer. Ughhhh. This means I'll probably have to send it in for repairs and everything. I really don't want to deal with this, I just want my laptop back and working, I don't want it to go in the mail and I don't want it to be gone for so long. I'm disappointed and sad.

I still feel all teary and downtrodden. I'll probably just cry more on the way back to mom's house. Bad day.

I want my computer to be fixed and working. I want to sell things, then I want to pay off my Treasure-Japan bill and get my box and then sell more things, and then I want to pay dad back as much as I can. I want to save for my conventions but even with my job I'll still have to scramble some for convention money as usual. I don't want to be yelled at. I want my parents to stop making me feel like a failure. Or maybe it's me making myself feel like a failure. Probably both. I want my chicken coops to not be muddy. I want my mom's house to be clean and organized. I want to see my friends and be able to spend time with them more than a few times a year. More than anything, I want there to be so much less suffering in the world, but I am not in control of that. I can only do what I do and save the lives I can save, but I feel like no matter how much I do I can't make up for how horrifying my own species is and nothing I do is enough. I wish I could stop feeling like a hypocrite over small things I do that I feel are unethical, but I have a hard time giving them up. I wish I had enough money to not be in debt to anyone and be able to buy what I want and travel some. I don't really wish I was thin and rich and accomplished and more responsible, but I wish the pressure to be those things and conform to society would go away. I wish I could never lose any of my animals to sudden tragic circumstances again, but I do my best to come to terms with that when it happens. I wish people weren't so selfish. I wish there could be harmony among living things. I wish humanity would die out peacefully by lack of reproduction.

I'm just having a rough time. Nowhere near as bad as those dealing with the disaster in Japan, though. Nowhere near those animals in factory farms. I need to try and keep some perspective here. But still, we all have good and bad days...

Off to go train for the Elite Four, then. Pokémon always, always helps me feel better.

(no subject)

I'm having a rough day. ;____; First my alarm didn't go off so I got to work an hour late (this wasn't a problem as far as with my work, but I felt bad about it). I had been dreaming that my mother, who was not my real life mother but someone else, was screaming at me and badly berating me, and this made me wake up feeling strange already. I was also off of my medication for longer than usual because I forgot to fill my prescription, so that does not bode well for my emotional state or energy levels or brain. Of course, the earthquake and tsunamis in Japan are very upsetting as well. I've just felt a sense of foreboding all day.

Work was great. I got to have a delicious lunch with my co-workers while we talked about animal issues. This made me feel conflicted about breeding seramas like I do, something I have felt conflicted about before (might post about this later in more detail), but after more thought I think I mostly came to terms with that. Anyway, I got things done and work was good. I really love where I work and the people I work with.

I went over to dad's to show him my computer and get some help fixing it, and he completely blew up at me and I completely blew up too and was screaming and crying. I ended up crying for at least a half-hour. Partly just because it was upsetting, and partially I think because the lack of medication screwed with my brain and emotions. As he always does after he gets pissed off, after a half-hour or so he calmed down. Still was not a good way for things to go...

Anyway, he helped me try to fix my laptop and determined it's likely a blown fuse inside the computer. Ughhhh. This means I'll probably have to send it in for repairs and everything. I really don't want to deal with this, I just want my laptop back and working, I don't want it to go in the mail and I don't want it to be gone for so long. I'm disappointed and sad.

I still feel all teary and downtrodden. I'll probably just cry more on the way back to mom's house. Bad day.

I want my computer to be fixed and working. I want to sell things, then I want to pay off my Treasure-Japan bill and get my box and then sell more things, and then I want to pay dad back as much as I can. I want to save for my conventions but even with my job I'll still have to scramble some for convention money as usual. I don't want to be yelled at. I want my parents to stop making me feel like a failure. Or maybe it's me making myself feel like a failure. Probably both. I want my chicken coops to not be muddy. I want my mom's house to be clean and organized. I want to see my friends and be able to spend time with them more than a few times a year. More than anything, I want there to be so much less suffering in the world, but I am not in control of that. I can only do what I do and save the lives I can save, but I feel like no matter how much I do I can't make up for how horrifying my own species is and nothing I do is enough. I wish I could stop feeling like a hypocrite over small things I do that I feel are unethical, but I have a hard time giving them up. I wish I had enough money to not be in debt to anyone and be able to buy what I want and travel some. I don't really wish I was thin and rich and accomplished and more responsible, but I wish the pressure to be those things and conform to society would go away. I wish I could never lose any of my animals to sudden tragic circumstances again, but I do my best to come to terms with that when it happens. I wish people weren't so selfish. I wish there could be harmony among living things. I wish humanity would die out peacefully by lack of reproduction.

I'm just having a rough time. Nowhere near as bad as those dealing with the disaster in Japan, though. Nowhere near those animals in factory farms. I need to try and keep some perspective here. But still, we all have good and bad days...

Off to go train for the Elite Four, then. Pokémon always, always helps me feel better.