Sleepy Sunday

Today feels so much like a lazy Sunday... I wish more was going on, but I suppose I'm okay as-is.

Meh. Just pre-registered for Fanime. I figured I should do that while I have the money and when I'm not pressured by costume costs, hotel reservations, and anything else that might pop up. Heads up, fellow Fanime-goers--registration is $50 until March 31st, and then it goes up, so if you have the money, I'd recommend pre-regging soon.

Uh-oh...that just caused a spurt of pre-con freak out. XD;; Not bad freak out, though--GOOD freak out. All the sudden I feel rather motivated to pester Mom about making hotel reservations and I have this urge to run down to the fabric store to start my costume and I'm seriously way too tempted to pre-reg for AX, too. XD;; Maybe I should take this one step at a time... ^^;;

So...um...today I woke up. I felt organized and had slept enough, so I made my bed and immediately went off and did my Government homework for last Friday and next Friday. I ate breakfast. I...did nothing. I did more nothing. I played Pokémon Emerald for a little while (AKA approximately over an hour).

We went down to the fish store because Jake is a fish fanatic and insisted on buying Dad a pleco for his birthday. So, we got said pleco (who is rather cute, by the way), Jake bought himself a baby ciclid for a dollar, and we went to Taco Bell (._.;) and went home.

I played more Pokémon Emerald. Felt very...disconnected from the world. For a little while, I was thinking "Huh...I feel oddly distant from all my problems." The angsting came back later while we were in the car on the way to Jake's, but at least I've spent the majority of today being relatively pain-free emotionally.

We took Jake home. Now we're back home and I'm writing in this. Not sure what to do with myself... Maybe I'll watch anime. It's a really nice day, weather-wise.

Oh, Cody just called and said hello because he's back from the trip. That makes me happy. ^^

Hm. Not much else to say. I'm going to go relax and such.

Sleepy Sunday

Today feels so much like a lazy Sunday... I wish more was going on, but I suppose I'm okay as-is.

Meh. Just pre-registered for Fanime. I figured I should do that while I have the money and when I'm not pressured by costume costs, hotel reservations, and anything else that might pop up. Heads up, fellow Fanime-goers--registration is $50 until March 31st, and then it goes up, so if you have the money, I'd recommend pre-regging soon.

Uh-oh...that just caused a spurt of pre-con freak out. XD;; Not bad freak out, though--GOOD freak out. All the sudden I feel rather motivated to pester Mom about making hotel reservations and I have this urge to run down to the fabric store to start my costume and I'm seriously way too tempted to pre-reg for AX, too. XD;; Maybe I should take this one step at a time... ^^;;

So...um...today I woke up. I felt organized and had slept enough, so I made my bed and immediately went off and did my Government homework for last Friday and next Friday. I ate breakfast. I...did nothing. I did more nothing. I played Pokémon Emerald for a little while (AKA approximately over an hour).

We went down to the fish store because Jake is a fish fanatic and insisted on buying Dad a pleco for his birthday. So, we got said pleco (who is rather cute, by the way), Jake bought himself a baby ciclid for a dollar, and we went to Taco Bell (._.;) and went home.

I played more Pokémon Emerald. Felt very...disconnected from the world. For a little while, I was thinking "Huh...I feel oddly distant from all my problems." The angsting came back later while we were in the car on the way to Jake's, but at least I've spent the majority of today being relatively pain-free emotionally.

We took Jake home. Now we're back home and I'm writing in this. Not sure what to do with myself... Maybe I'll watch anime. It's a really nice day, weather-wise.

Oh, Cody just called and said hello because he's back from the trip. That makes me happy. ^^

Hm. Not much else to say. I'm going to go relax and such.

Gankutsuou! ♥

Yeah. Watched episodes 9-12 of Gankutsuou. Still going to die of the shiny. And the characters. And the storyline. And the pairings. And the music. And absolutely everything about it in general. *_* I'm in love with that series.

Franz/Albert is SO CANON.

Well...okay, Franz/Albert is SO CANON on Franz's part, anyway. Albert is a little to distracted by shiny Hakushaku and Eugenie (who I like very much and can therefore most definitely forgive). I am totally not saying this just because I'm a fangirl, either. I squeed out loud like...five times in episode ten (?) when Franz was talking to Maximilien about love. And here I thought those inklings of Franz/Albert I saw in the beginning of the show were just my fangirl mind leaking into my consciousness. ^^

I also squeed a little over Albert/Eugenie, though, so my loyalties as far as pairings go in this series are slightly questionable. Oh well. Since Naruto I've discovered that I can have an OTP and still fall in love with pairings that counteract said OTP, so I'm good. :P

Anyway. Enough pairing talk. It's an absolutely wonderful series in every aspect imaginable--definitely one of the better series I've seen...period. Not to brag or anything, but at this point I think I have the right to say that I've seen a lot of great series, so this is quite an accomplishment. I'm afraid to fanart it, though, because it's so pretty in the actual show. ._.;

Er. Yeah. Gankutsuou is teh awesome. :D

Gankutsuou! ♥

Yeah. Watched episodes 9-12 of Gankutsuou. Still going to die of the shiny. And the characters. And the storyline. And the pairings. And the music. And absolutely everything about it in general. *_* I'm in love with that series.

Franz/Albert is SO CANON.

Well...okay, Franz/Albert is SO CANON on Franz's part, anyway. Albert is a little to distracted by shiny Hakushaku and Eugenie (who I like very much and can therefore most definitely forgive). I am totally not saying this just because I'm a fangirl, either. I squeed out loud like...five times in episode ten (?) when Franz was talking to Maximilien about love. And here I thought those inklings of Franz/Albert I saw in the beginning of the show were just my fangirl mind leaking into my consciousness. ^^

I also squeed a little over Albert/Eugenie, though, so my loyalties as far as pairings go in this series are slightly questionable. Oh well. Since Naruto I've discovered that I can have an OTP and still fall in love with pairings that counteract said OTP, so I'm good. :P

Anyway. Enough pairing talk. It's an absolutely wonderful series in every aspect imaginable--definitely one of the better series I've seen...period. Not to brag or anything, but at this point I think I have the right to say that I've seen a lot of great series, so this is quite an accomplishment. I'm afraid to fanart it, though, because it's so pretty in the actual show. ._.;

Er. Yeah. Gankutsuou is teh awesome. :D

I am the queen of filling up people's Friends pages for no reason. >D

I'm basically writing again for two reasons. Neither of them are meaningful at all.

1. I'm excited that I added three new icons. I know this is a stupid thing to be excited over, but I am terribly excited over it. XD; I keep wishing I had excuses to comment on entries just so I can use said icons. So, I'll just write this entry.

2. I'm burning Ayumi Hamasaki CDs in mass quantities. I have nothing better to do.

Now I'm going to go bond with my family by watching random bits of Cops. XD; While continuing to burn Ayumi CDs.

I am the queen of filling up people's Friends pages for no reason. >D

I'm basically writing again for two reasons. Neither of them are meaningful at all.

1. I'm excited that I added three new icons. I know this is a stupid thing to be excited over, but I am terribly excited over it. XD; I keep wishing I had excuses to comment on entries just so I can use said icons. So, I'll just write this entry.

2. I'm burning Ayumi Hamasaki CDs in mass quantities. I have nothing better to do.

Now I'm going to go bond with my family by watching random bits of Cops. XD; While continuing to burn Ayumi CDs.

I need to stop writing pointless entries... -_-;

You know, as a general rule, I don't usually regret. I've gone through almost all of my life just living--and once something happened, it just happened, and that was that. There were very few times I wished I could just go back and change what happened, and there were very few times that I regretted decisions I made.

Right now, I can't help but wish I had dealt with certain things differently. I wish I had told people things earlier than I did. I wish I had spoken when I was silent. I wish I had valued things more that I used to think would never change. I wish I had told my stories, I wish I had shared my pain with others, I wish I had realized how I was beginning to define myself. I wish I had realized how deep my shell was becoming. I wish I had known I would have to let him go--because maybe then, I could have prepared myself to do so. Do I even know how to let go? I don't think I do. I'm not even sure if I'm capable of it.

I know now what pain is. I know now what love is. I have tasted insanity now--and realized just how cold, how painful, how hellish true insanity is. If my twelve-year-old self could see me as I am now, she'd be shocked and horrified over what I've become. Why? Because I've become exactly what I promised myself I would never be.

I used to have inner peace. I'd almost go so far as to say I was close to enlightenment, the way I was. And yet, I chose this path anyway--this path of human emotion, raw love, pain. I never knew it would hurt so much, and yet...if I could go back, I don't know what choices I would make. I think they might just be the same ones I made the first time.

I think one of my problems is that I build these sandcastles all the time--these beautiful, towering, pristine sandcastles. And yet...I can't accept that they are made out of sand, and that someday, the tide will wash them all away. People would usually just find a different medium--something that the tide couldn't take down--but me... I love the sandcastles so much that I can't stop building them, more and more grand, every time, more beautiful--and I can't help but run around and try to stop the tide from coming, and I can't help but be upset every time when my beautiful creations are turned into nothing.

If this one doesn't work out, once everything is said and done, I can't say whether I will ever love anyone romantically ever again. I wish I could promise myself that I won't--I wish I could say that, definitively, I will never suffer like this again. But...that would be building another sandcastle, now wouldn't it? Just like the first one. Suffice to say, though, at this point in my life--I can't picture anyone but him in that place. I'm beginning to realize that...at least, the way it's going at the moment...he probably won't be in that place, no matter how hard I work for it. Maybe someday... Maybe... But probably not. That's hard enough for me to realize for now. It could take me years to come to this realization, and truly understand it. I don't want anyone else. I don't want love. I accepted this because it snuck up on me unexpectedly, and because...well, because it was real. Most things in my life--the things that really matter to me--are not real, in one sense or another.

And I'll never be the same person again. I'm like the last unicorn... I could be changed back into a unicorn after being human for a time, but I will never be the same again--for I have felt regret, and love--and those are emotions a unicorn is never supposed to feel.

Honestly, I could go on like this for ages. I sort of feel like I'm beginning to understand some things (whether I want to understand them or not), and in my current mindset, I feel like I'm looking at myself from a distance. I know this insight isn't going to last, so I wish I could write it all down--all the things I'm thinking about at this moment--but unfortunately, I must go off to bed. I'll save the angst and insightful ponderings for another time, when I don't need to go to bed.

I need to stop writing pointless entries... -_-;

You know, as a general rule, I don't usually regret. I've gone through almost all of my life just living--and once something happened, it just happened, and that was that. There were very few times I wished I could just go back and change what happened, and there were very few times that I regretted decisions I made.

Right now, I can't help but wish I had dealt with certain things differently. I wish I had told people things earlier than I did. I wish I had spoken when I was silent. I wish I had valued things more that I used to think would never change. I wish I had told my stories, I wish I had shared my pain with others, I wish I had realized how I was beginning to define myself. I wish I had realized how deep my shell was becoming. I wish I had known I would have to let him go--because maybe then, I could have prepared myself to do so. Do I even know how to let go? I don't think I do. I'm not even sure if I'm capable of it.

I know now what pain is. I know now what love is. I have tasted insanity now--and realized just how cold, how painful, how hellish true insanity is. If my twelve-year-old self could see me as I am now, she'd be shocked and horrified over what I've become. Why? Because I've become exactly what I promised myself I would never be.

I used to have inner peace. I'd almost go so far as to say I was close to enlightenment, the way I was. And yet, I chose this path anyway--this path of human emotion, raw love, pain. I never knew it would hurt so much, and yet...if I could go back, I don't know what choices I would make. I think they might just be the same ones I made the first time.

I think one of my problems is that I build these sandcastles all the time--these beautiful, towering, pristine sandcastles. And yet...I can't accept that they are made out of sand, and that someday, the tide will wash them all away. People would usually just find a different medium--something that the tide couldn't take down--but me... I love the sandcastles so much that I can't stop building them, more and more grand, every time, more beautiful--and I can't help but run around and try to stop the tide from coming, and I can't help but be upset every time when my beautiful creations are turned into nothing.

If this one doesn't work out, once everything is said and done, I can't say whether I will ever love anyone romantically ever again. I wish I could promise myself that I won't--I wish I could say that, definitively, I will never suffer like this again. But...that would be building another sandcastle, now wouldn't it? Just like the first one. Suffice to say, though, at this point in my life--I can't picture anyone but him in that place. I'm beginning to realize that...at least, the way it's going at the moment...he probably won't be in that place, no matter how hard I work for it. Maybe someday... Maybe... But probably not. That's hard enough for me to realize for now. It could take me years to come to this realization, and truly understand it. I don't want anyone else. I don't want love. I accepted this because it snuck up on me unexpectedly, and because...well, because it was real. Most things in my life--the things that really matter to me--are not real, in one sense or another.

And I'll never be the same person again. I'm like the last unicorn... I could be changed back into a unicorn after being human for a time, but I will never be the same again--for I have felt regret, and love--and those are emotions a unicorn is never supposed to feel.

Honestly, I could go on like this for ages. I sort of feel like I'm beginning to understand some things (whether I want to understand them or not), and in my current mindset, I feel like I'm looking at myself from a distance. I know this insight isn't going to last, so I wish I could write it all down--all the things I'm thinking about at this moment--but unfortunately, I must go off to bed. I'll save the angst and insightful ponderings for another time, when I don't need to go to bed.