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Aug. 11th, 2012 12:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pacificpikachuI guess I'm not done rambling about things, so I shall ramble more about things! Just all over the place, nothing in particular.
I found my camera finally! I missed having it for the last, what, two weeks or so? It was just wedged between my bed and the wall, which is a silly place to not be able to find it. Well, it's back now and that's all that matters.
I also just want to say I haven't been online a lot lately. I catch up on LJ every few days, so if you receive a late comment, that's why! I think there's just so much going on in my mind that sometimes I can't handle the clutter. I am a person of excess, as I've said many times, and that goes for a number of things. I go through periods of time where I'm barely online, and periods of time where you can hardly wrench me from my computer. I think it's good for me to be a little sparing with computer usage if I feel like I don't want to be on it constantly. Though I'm not sure playing Pokémon Conquest is all that much better, in the long run, I find it relaxing. Sometimes I think I overstimulate myself with the internet and my million and a half interests and projects, so it's good to take a step back and breathe now and then.
But, I do want to say again, that I care about you all. If you're on my friends list, even if we don't comment back and forth much, I think you'd be surprised how much I think of all of you. Seriously, I even think sometimes about online friends I had years and years ago and haven't talked to since. Although my fatigue and unfortunate focus on my own chaos may sometimes distract me from commenting back or perhaps not commenting, just know that I read, and I'm here for you. I do think of you and care and remember more about you than you'd think, and I want you all to thrive. It just makes me sad to see so many of my friends struggling with being unable to find jobs, with family problems, with loss, relationship issues, loneliness, mental health, and so on. I mean, they're all a part of life, but...still, it hurts.
I just want to give you all hugs. I hope I get to meet every single one of you IRL at some point so I can do that (also, 'cause it's fun). Thank you, all of you, for caring about me, too. Even enough to read my weird ramblings! I mean, really. That's great.
(The following is not angst, it's introspection--I'm not in a bad mood at all! Nothing spurred this, either.)
I feel sad sometimes because I think I don't engage with people as much as I should. It's hard, with my fatigue, to find the energy to do so, to be honest. What makes me the saddest is that I feel like you all deserve so much more from me, and I would give it in a second if I knew how. I think I seem insincere in a way, because I lurk around and leave comments sporadically or maybe not at all, and then sometimes it's hard to reach me, or all I do is rant about how dysfunctional I am, and then I suddenly write long comments out of the blue of how much I care about my friends, LOL.
I sometimes wonder if people think I have ulterior motives or feelings I don't actually have. I've been super surprised in the past (and it's only happened a few times, but still) when I had friends approach me and ask if I was mad at them when I wasn't even the slightest inkling mad at them, nor was there any drama between us at all. (Protip: I'm practically never mad at people, and I don't stir up drama on purpose.) Just confusing! It was always a matter of a) I forgot to reply to them because I'm derpy like that, or b) one friend asked me this because I was actually actively looking for him at a con but didn't see him, but he saw me multiple times apparently, but he thought I was ignoring him? No, I just didn't see him, hahaha, even though I was looking for him! I digress, though.
I think I just have more feelings than I can properly express, and towards my friends they're 99% positive feelings, but I need to remember that no one else can hear my thoughts and feelings. I have to actually communicate them. I wish I had the energy to have long conversations with people via IM or something, but for some reason IMs have generally caused me a lot of stress. I'm not sure why. I really, really miss pkmncollectors chat years ago, I'll never forget the experiences I had there, but aside from that, I struggle with dealing with IMs. I find communicating that way draining somehow, and when I have this little energy, there's no way. I really don't like phones at all either, unless it's a friend I talk to a regular basis (and then I'll never shut up, but I still hate phones). Basically, I like LJ comments and in-person conversations--the second of which I rarely have currently.
I don't know exactly what I'm getting at so I'm going to stop here. But I guess I just want you all to feel cared about and know that I have good intentions even though I can be sort of a weird person? I think that a) I'm not complicated even though I have a ton of interests and am rather scattered, and b) I'm eccentric but ultimately well-meaning. If you ever have a question for me or want to talk to me about anything, please do.
(I like how it sounds like I'm talking about specific incidences or something, but this is really just arbitrary.)
It's midnight, I have work tomorrow, and guess who hasn't started any art despite intending to put aside hours to work on art? I want to work on art, too! Well, I guess as long as I'm not sleepy... I can always nap tomorrow between other things if I need to. Assuming I even start working on art, that is.
I found my camera finally! I missed having it for the last, what, two weeks or so? It was just wedged between my bed and the wall, which is a silly place to not be able to find it. Well, it's back now and that's all that matters.
I also just want to say I haven't been online a lot lately. I catch up on LJ every few days, so if you receive a late comment, that's why! I think there's just so much going on in my mind that sometimes I can't handle the clutter. I am a person of excess, as I've said many times, and that goes for a number of things. I go through periods of time where I'm barely online, and periods of time where you can hardly wrench me from my computer. I think it's good for me to be a little sparing with computer usage if I feel like I don't want to be on it constantly. Though I'm not sure playing Pokémon Conquest is all that much better, in the long run, I find it relaxing. Sometimes I think I overstimulate myself with the internet and my million and a half interests and projects, so it's good to take a step back and breathe now and then.
But, I do want to say again, that I care about you all. If you're on my friends list, even if we don't comment back and forth much, I think you'd be surprised how much I think of all of you. Seriously, I even think sometimes about online friends I had years and years ago and haven't talked to since. Although my fatigue and unfortunate focus on my own chaos may sometimes distract me from commenting back or perhaps not commenting, just know that I read, and I'm here for you. I do think of you and care and remember more about you than you'd think, and I want you all to thrive. It just makes me sad to see so many of my friends struggling with being unable to find jobs, with family problems, with loss, relationship issues, loneliness, mental health, and so on. I mean, they're all a part of life, but...still, it hurts.
I just want to give you all hugs. I hope I get to meet every single one of you IRL at some point so I can do that (also, 'cause it's fun). Thank you, all of you, for caring about me, too. Even enough to read my weird ramblings! I mean, really. That's great.
(The following is not angst, it's introspection--I'm not in a bad mood at all! Nothing spurred this, either.)
I feel sad sometimes because I think I don't engage with people as much as I should. It's hard, with my fatigue, to find the energy to do so, to be honest. What makes me the saddest is that I feel like you all deserve so much more from me, and I would give it in a second if I knew how. I think I seem insincere in a way, because I lurk around and leave comments sporadically or maybe not at all, and then sometimes it's hard to reach me, or all I do is rant about how dysfunctional I am, and then I suddenly write long comments out of the blue of how much I care about my friends, LOL.
I sometimes wonder if people think I have ulterior motives or feelings I don't actually have. I've been super surprised in the past (and it's only happened a few times, but still) when I had friends approach me and ask if I was mad at them when I wasn't even the slightest inkling mad at them, nor was there any drama between us at all. (Protip: I'm practically never mad at people, and I don't stir up drama on purpose.) Just confusing! It was always a matter of a) I forgot to reply to them because I'm derpy like that, or b) one friend asked me this because I was actually actively looking for him at a con but didn't see him, but he saw me multiple times apparently, but he thought I was ignoring him? No, I just didn't see him, hahaha, even though I was looking for him! I digress, though.
I think I just have more feelings than I can properly express, and towards my friends they're 99% positive feelings, but I need to remember that no one else can hear my thoughts and feelings. I have to actually communicate them. I wish I had the energy to have long conversations with people via IM or something, but for some reason IMs have generally caused me a lot of stress. I'm not sure why. I really, really miss pkmncollectors chat years ago, I'll never forget the experiences I had there, but aside from that, I struggle with dealing with IMs. I find communicating that way draining somehow, and when I have this little energy, there's no way. I really don't like phones at all either, unless it's a friend I talk to a regular basis (and then I'll never shut up, but I still hate phones). Basically, I like LJ comments and in-person conversations--the second of which I rarely have currently.
I don't know exactly what I'm getting at so I'm going to stop here. But I guess I just want you all to feel cared about and know that I have good intentions even though I can be sort of a weird person? I think that a) I'm not complicated even though I have a ton of interests and am rather scattered, and b) I'm eccentric but ultimately well-meaning. If you ever have a question for me or want to talk to me about anything, please do.
(I like how it sounds like I'm talking about specific incidences or something, but this is really just arbitrary.)
It's midnight, I have work tomorrow, and guess who hasn't started any art despite intending to put aside hours to work on art? I want to work on art, too! Well, I guess as long as I'm not sleepy... I can always nap tomorrow between other things if I need to. Assuming I even start working on art, that is.
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no subject
Date: 2012-08-11 08:36 am (UTC)I'm totally going through something similar right now, only it's lasted more like three months or something. D:!
Don't know. You gotta do what you gotta do, though, right?
no subject
Date: 2012-08-11 10:13 am (UTC)Hey, did you hear? SF's Japantown will be holding its J-pop Summit on the 25th and 26th! One of the events is an Evangelion AR game where we play NERV agents! I tell you this because I recall you saying you often come to town?
no subject
Date: 2012-08-11 01:19 pm (UTC)I am probably the most paranoid person on earth when it comes to thinking that people have ulterior motives, but I don't get that vibe from you. If you don't respond, I assume that you're busy. (I mean, you do have half a million birds to take care of.) And there's no reason to feel like you have to comment on entries if you don't have anything to say.
I don't like phones either. I never have any idea what to say. Maybe it's just because I'm useless at communicating without body language cues. I do like IMs, but only with my close friends. Whenever I need to use IMs to contact someone I don't know well or don't talk to very often (for example, a comm mod) I get really nervous. Once you send an IM, you can't edit it. I'm terrified that my IM will have some embarrassing typo or stupid question that I should already know the answer to, and I won't realize it until it's too late. It doesn't help that it says "so and so is typing", which makes me feel like I have to race against the clock to write the IM and proof read it and send it before the other person gets impatient.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-11 03:16 pm (UTC)There is nothing wrong with stepping away from the net, I should be doing that more often myself. I just fear if I do not message people back right away, they will get angry with me!! As of right now, I am very behind on my messages and it is getting to me. It is my own fault really, for I have been staying up late watching the Olympics and playing Pokemon Conquest. Thus, I have been sleeping in which takes precious time out of my day...;_;
As for AIM, I loved the few times I was in the pkmncollectors chat room. Those late night chats about Hypnochat were so much fun!! I just don't have the time for AIM right now, so I converse via LJ and e-mail. When I was younger, I was glued to the phone talking to my two best middle/high school friends. Now, if someone calls who I do not know, I am liable to just hang-up. I have no clue where or why my fear of the phone developed?! Maybe, it coincides with my people phobias?!
no subject
Date: 2012-08-11 10:38 pm (UTC)Though one that that does make me nervous when talking to my online friends is that I do always wonder how my conversations online come across since it's so hard to tell tone through written words. And I always worry that someone will take what I say wrong even though I don't mean it like that. Especially since everyone interprets things differently.
And I will say the day I got that card from you with all of those little goodies made my day! <3
no subject
Date: 2012-08-12 09:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-12 11:17 am (UTC)I think the majority of my LJ friends have all taken a hiatus away from LJ lately. Granted, I've also been severely neglecting this site. I've been so focused on other things, both positive and negative. So we're both in the same boat there.
You've gone through so much loss, sweetie, and you're incredibly strong just by persevering. You're will is incredible and I admire it greatly.
I know you care, hun. Sometimes we care too much, it seems, even though people around us tell us that you can never care too much. Sometimes... I digress. But I'd rather care too much, than too little, ya know? Our hearts continue to grow because of our empathic nature.
You take care of yourself, my friend. <3 I'll be here if you need to talk or simply want a shoulder to cry on. ♥