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May. 1st, 2012 12:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pacificpikachuI felt awful all of today, until about an hour ago (and now I just feel meh). I can't even quite describe the feeling--exhaustion/drowsiness, general full body discomfort, and waves of miserable sick feeling? Feeling so terrible physically made my mental state less than excellent, too. I went home and slept, but barely--I couldn't seem to shake the discomfort. Random itchiness, my hair feels like it's in the way, the blankets were never right, no position was relaxing, so on.
It's awful being in such a terrible state. I spend almost all of my time just drained, drowsy, and wanting to go to bed. It sounds overly dramatic, but I feel like an old lady just waiting to die. I have trouble enjoying normal things because I'm just exhausted and even if I want to do something fun, most of the time I end up sleeping instead. I barely eat because my medication suppresses my appetite. I'll eat some things in the evening, but when I'm at work I usually forego eating altogether, even knowing that I should. I've lost something like 40 lbs in the last few months, which is good in a way because I am overweight, but I think it's rather indicative of my lack of interest in food. Not an eating disorder or anything, mind you, it's just a side effect of a medication, but still.
Pretty much all I do these days is search auction sites obsessively and screencap Pokémon episodes. And watch some TV, I guess. I care for my animals of course, but not as extensively and thoroughly as I'd prefer.
I'm extremely lonely. I almost never spend time with any people aside from my mom, and she just comes and goes at random. She's usually rushing around, and gets mad at me if I even try to show her two or three pictures, or a five minute video. Incidentally, she's in New York right now. I'm glad she got to go away, though--I think this is her first time on a trip out of state without my brother or me since who knows when.
Most of my friends moved away or are busy, or I just never feel up to initiating contact. I like all of my co-workers and care about them, but I'm too out of it to go to any parties they have or do anything with them. Or even talk to them, really. I feel isolated at work as a result, but it's my own doing--I can't even properly keep in touch with the people I work with when I think they're fantastic. I feel left out when they talk about the fun things they did together, but I'm not up for joining them either.
I love all you guys, too--my online friends. I cherish everyone more than I can say. But I don't feel up to IMing most of the time, and I forget or don't have the energy to reply to comments often as well.
Sometimes I just feel so tired and miserable that tears well up in my eyes. I think things like, "I just want to curl up in a hole and die." I don't really mean that, and I'm not suicidal at all, but that's how miserable I feel sometimes physically.
It doesn't help that no matter how much I explain my excessive tiredness to my mom, and how much she seems to get it, she still treats me like I'm just being lazy and purposefully neglecting things she wants me to do. I wish--I really do legitimately forget what I'm supposed to do all the time, or I just can't do it.
I have so many things that I'm thankful for. I don't think I take my life or friends or family or animals or awesome collection for granted, and I have memories that are so incredible I still can't believe they happened, but I can't help but be sad and frustrated when I'm so exhausted and out of it all the time that my quality of life has been severely diminished. If I'm not at work, I'm almost always either: a) sleeping, or b) sitting on the couch in one place, not moving, either watching TV or on my laptop. If I stand up, I feel dizzy. My face is pale and I'm always shedding unusual amounts of hair (not to the point of bald spots or anything, but there is always hair everywhere). I'm hoarse most of the time.
Anyway, I'll be going to the doctor again soon. I went to an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor recently and she summarized my lab results briefly. Of course my thyroid levels were normal, though I'm reluctant to accept that result entirely, and apparently I have had or do have eppstein-barr virus and I'm anemic. I just really hope this isn't chronic fatigue syndrome or my life is going to be difficult.
She also stuck a camera down my nose to look at my throat. Ouch! That was not pleasant.
I have good days and bad days with my fatigue, and this was a bad day. I just hope that someday I'll have my energy back for good. This is not a good way to live at all. I have so much more ambition and passion than I can do anything with currently. I feel like many things are in grayscale in my life currently, metaphorically, and while I do have bursts of creativity, I don't have the stamina or energy to finish anything.
I think I'm done writing about this for now. Next entry: Adorable gosling following me around! He's totally imprinted on me.
I've settled on Augustus as a name for the turkey, thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pheonixxfoxx for the great suggestion!
It's awful being in such a terrible state. I spend almost all of my time just drained, drowsy, and wanting to go to bed. It sounds overly dramatic, but I feel like an old lady just waiting to die. I have trouble enjoying normal things because I'm just exhausted and even if I want to do something fun, most of the time I end up sleeping instead. I barely eat because my medication suppresses my appetite. I'll eat some things in the evening, but when I'm at work I usually forego eating altogether, even knowing that I should. I've lost something like 40 lbs in the last few months, which is good in a way because I am overweight, but I think it's rather indicative of my lack of interest in food. Not an eating disorder or anything, mind you, it's just a side effect of a medication, but still.
Pretty much all I do these days is search auction sites obsessively and screencap Pokémon episodes. And watch some TV, I guess. I care for my animals of course, but not as extensively and thoroughly as I'd prefer.
I'm extremely lonely. I almost never spend time with any people aside from my mom, and she just comes and goes at random. She's usually rushing around, and gets mad at me if I even try to show her two or three pictures, or a five minute video. Incidentally, she's in New York right now. I'm glad she got to go away, though--I think this is her first time on a trip out of state without my brother or me since who knows when.
Most of my friends moved away or are busy, or I just never feel up to initiating contact. I like all of my co-workers and care about them, but I'm too out of it to go to any parties they have or do anything with them. Or even talk to them, really. I feel isolated at work as a result, but it's my own doing--I can't even properly keep in touch with the people I work with when I think they're fantastic. I feel left out when they talk about the fun things they did together, but I'm not up for joining them either.
I love all you guys, too--my online friends. I cherish everyone more than I can say. But I don't feel up to IMing most of the time, and I forget or don't have the energy to reply to comments often as well.
Sometimes I just feel so tired and miserable that tears well up in my eyes. I think things like, "I just want to curl up in a hole and die." I don't really mean that, and I'm not suicidal at all, but that's how miserable I feel sometimes physically.
It doesn't help that no matter how much I explain my excessive tiredness to my mom, and how much she seems to get it, she still treats me like I'm just being lazy and purposefully neglecting things she wants me to do. I wish--I really do legitimately forget what I'm supposed to do all the time, or I just can't do it.
I have so many things that I'm thankful for. I don't think I take my life or friends or family or animals or awesome collection for granted, and I have memories that are so incredible I still can't believe they happened, but I can't help but be sad and frustrated when I'm so exhausted and out of it all the time that my quality of life has been severely diminished. If I'm not at work, I'm almost always either: a) sleeping, or b) sitting on the couch in one place, not moving, either watching TV or on my laptop. If I stand up, I feel dizzy. My face is pale and I'm always shedding unusual amounts of hair (not to the point of bald spots or anything, but there is always hair everywhere). I'm hoarse most of the time.
Anyway, I'll be going to the doctor again soon. I went to an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor recently and she summarized my lab results briefly. Of course my thyroid levels were normal, though I'm reluctant to accept that result entirely, and apparently I have had or do have eppstein-barr virus and I'm anemic. I just really hope this isn't chronic fatigue syndrome or my life is going to be difficult.
She also stuck a camera down my nose to look at my throat. Ouch! That was not pleasant.
I have good days and bad days with my fatigue, and this was a bad day. I just hope that someday I'll have my energy back for good. This is not a good way to live at all. I have so much more ambition and passion than I can do anything with currently. I feel like many things are in grayscale in my life currently, metaphorically, and while I do have bursts of creativity, I don't have the stamina or energy to finish anything.
I think I'm done writing about this for now. Next entry: Adorable gosling following me around! He's totally imprinted on me.
I've settled on Augustus as a name for the turkey, thanks to
pheonixxfoxx for the great suggestion!
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no subject
Date: 2012-05-01 02:49 pm (UTC)If I stand up, I feel dizzy.
That was happening to me too. D: My doctor said I could be anemic or it could be due to lack of salt (my first reaction was "seriously?!", but I don't put salt on anything), or it could just be because I have low blood pressure. (I was supposed to get a blood test done to tell for sure, but I chickened out.) Someone my mom knows had similar symptoms, and hers turned out to be due to a celiac intolerance, of all things. If you think that might be the case for you, I think you can request a celiac test the next time you get blood drawn.
Anyway, going to the doctor sounds like a good idea. Good luck getting it figured out.